I wanted you before I had you. When I saw that you were mine, I was beyond excited. I started preparing for you in the very beginning. I must have known you were going to be a boy, I only seemed to buy boy things. Maybe I was to excited. I remember reading about a culture (I don’t remember which one) that does not celebrate the baby until after they have arrived. I thought I needed to be prepared, but it makes since now. I got to borrow you, and I thank you for that.
The whole pregnancy I worried about you, but I guess I was more worried about me. I wanted you to be perfect, because I really wanted you. But through my worries things continued to go well. I bought a home doppler so I could make sure you had a heart beat, so I could hear you. Whenever I was worried I would listen to your beautiful sound. You were developing wonderfully. Every pain I had went away. I was so happy. Max I wonder if you know or could feel how much I loved you growing inside me.
I wish I was not so controlling. I wish I let everything go. I would take all the things I have been given in my life just to have you. Max I thought you were mine, but again I guess I just got to borrow you. I think you were to teach me how precious life is. How much I take for granted, How fast the people you love can disappear. How precious life is, and to enjoy what I have in the moment.
Max you were so loved. Max baby you would have loved your daddy, he loved you. Your dad is one of the greatest people I have ever met. Max you looked just like your daddy’s, dad. Its funny cause the whole pregnancy I keep saying how neat it would be if you came out with blonde hair and blue eyes like him Well you came out with dark hair and eyes. But you did look like him. You had my furrowed brow, and slantie eyes. But you looked so much like your grandfather. You had the cutest button nose. You had your dads wonderful mouth and perfect chin. Max I love looking at your nose and the way your mouth cues up in the one picture right after you were born.
Max it has not been easy, some days are harder then others. Sometimes I get sad, overwhelmingly so. It just hits me, and I cant control it. Sometimes I get angry, and question everything I have done up until this point. Its going to be hard and for a while but Max I am hopeful. I got to see your little face, I got to hear you cry and I got to meet you. I got to kiss your beautiful cheek when you were still on this earth. I wonder what went wrong, and I may never have a definite answer, I need to except that. I need to move on and forgive. It may seem strange but you have given me hope. Hope for the future and confidence that I can get through anything. Hope that someday I will give you a sibling and get to experience having the same feeling that I had when you were growing in me. I love looking forward to having that feeling you gave me again. You taught me a different kind of love. I will not be stuck on the idea that I lost you. Yes I miss you and my heart hurts, I will always miss you. but in your little time with me you have given me so much joy and I love you.
Love you always......
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