Day 39

Good morning baby.... or almost afternoon. I wrote in your book this morning, So im going to transfer over some of it now.
Max Im thinking of you... I woke up thinking about you. I woke up wondering if you are ok, and if I will ever get over this. I don't mean get over you, that I will never. I mean be able to move on and be ok.
I was thinking about how my life has changed since being pregnant with you.
Max your dad and I were together last night and I did not cry. I cried the first time and not because I was upset or anything but because I was so overwhelmed with emotion and I just need to be with him. It was like I did not know if i could be ok again with being that way. Well I think my body and soul needed him.
Max I also woke up going back to the conversation with someone last night. Sometimes people say things to try and comfort me or make me feel ok. Well the things she said really did. I believe what she said. She said you changed her view on life and how she has been dealing with her struggles. She told me she realized that she needs to enjoy her family more while her family is still here. Max your amazing and you have also done so much for me in your short time. I need to stop being so sad and remeber that every moment. I just feel like I have no control over it. I have learned I have no control over anything really. Today I am sad, but not low. Sometimes im sad and just feel so low where the empty pit in my stomach takes over and I feel hopeless. Its those moments that I try my hardest to think of you and how lucky I am. How grateful I am. How there are worse things in this world. Im still so out of control  and thats hard. I cant control life and I cant even seem to control my emotions. But Max you healed me in ways while you were in my belly and you continue to heal me while your in another world. With you and your amazingness in time I will be better and have less lows. Today Im hopeful, and thats because of you and everything you have done.
Max today we are going to work on the basement, thats if we ever get out of bed and moving. Maybe I should go take a shower.

And now that leads me to now 11:54 I did take a shower and even played with Beanz outside. Baby boy that dog is smart sometimes to smart. I even think he is smarter then me.. I just wanted to write you, but I guess we should do the basement. This will be the first thing we have done in the house since I came home. Lets see if I actually get to it though! Max your dad is on call and busy working.... I wish he did not have to work so hard, it makes him so frustrated. It would to anyone, but I just wish he was not bothered by silly people. But thats work I guess right.. any job there is frustration.
Talk to you later my little love.