Day 44 back to the baby doctor.

10am
Good morning my little boy. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are playing and doing baby things were you are. I go back to the Ob doctor for the after baby appointment. I feel scared. I dont want to have to go back again. I need to make a list of all my questions for the doctor. Max Im so anxious this week. Im not crying as much, but im a mess in other ways. I need to get myself together. Max I love you so much and want to do well for you. Today I feel a little more positive. Or right now in this moment I do. That can change in an instant though. Im lucky to have had you my little love.

3:30
Hey little boy. The doctors went ok, of course I could not help crying while there.  I told the doctor that I might not be able to go back there anymore. They have been wonderful to me, but I think he understood. He knows that it must be hard to keep going back to the place that reminds me of losing you. im so grateful to all there support, its just so hard. We still have no answers about what happened to you yet. You dad is going to call the NCIU tomorrow to see if they no anything just have not contacted us yet. Max im drained I miss you and want to know what happened to you. I love you my little love.  

7:50Pm
Hey my little love. I did not see your toad tonight. I feel like I did not write you enough tonight. But believe me I have been thinking about you all day. I went for my walk tonight and the sky was amazing! I love thinking about you when I walk and see the clouds. But so far  no toads. Your dad and I are going to go out together tomorrow. Im all ready regretting the idea of it. What was I thinking, I dont like leaving the house, what makes me think I can do a night out. I dont even have pants that fit. Looks like I will be wearing yoga stretch pants, with a hoodie and sneakers. Hot! Max I Was thinking tonight that maybe I killed you. Maybe from in the beginning when I craved hot dogs and that lunch meat I ate at the end, gave you listeria. Maybe I gave you a bacteria infection, I really need to get this autopsy results back soon, before I lose my mind.
Max Im going to take a sleeping pill again tonight, I need my mind to shut off. I love you my little love. I will be thinking of you all night.