day 41 part 2

5:12pm
I got advice today in regards to how I feel jealous. Well I read advice, that someone wrote me. It may not be actually jealous im feeling it may just be grief. I thought about it and its true. I think it is just my grief.
Hey little boy I mowed the lawn for the first time in almost a year. Well I mowed half, your dad did the other half. I felt good when I was done. but now im back to being agitated. Im such a frustrated mess today. On edge.... I need something I just dont know what. I feel so alone in all this today. I just need someone to tell me its ok, and mean it. I need something to release me. Im just needy I guess. I need a phone call, or a hello. Even though I get those things something just feels extra empty today. Everything is bothering me but there is nothing that should be bothering me. I hate the way I feel. Max I love you...... I feel like no one wants to be with me anymore because I am no longer normal.  Im damaged goods. Im sad, angry lost damage goods.