Day 43

10am
Max good morning my baby boy. I woke up in a funk. More so just tired and lack of motivation.
Maybe coffee will help. Either way little boy I just wanted to tell you I miss you SO much.

12:46pm
Max baby I was just outside with Beanz, I was thinking of where Im going to put toad houses. Im going to put one by your tree for you. I have to take Beanz to the vets today for his shots. As good as a dog  as he is, he hates being handled. Looking in his ears, mount, and paws. I can but he does not like other people doing it. But then I dont like when people are all up on me also. Max I feel like im getting my period and it sucks. It also gives me hope for the future though.
Max baby im thinking of you always. Im trying to be positive today.

7pm
Max when we were at the vets today for Beanz the vet was pregnant. All I could think about was I should be taking you to your doctors appointment, you should be getting you shots as well. The vet was a cute pregnant, I almost did not notice, but then there it was like a basketball. When we were leaving the receptionist said your necklace is beautiful. I wanted to tell her that its my baby and that your ashes are in there. BUT instead I politely said thank you . Max today is rainy and I did not get to take my alone walk, I just did a little one for Beanz. I missed talking to you tonight and watching the sky change. I was feeling a little low. When I walked in from the little walk, I gathered the clothes to do laundry. When in the basement I went into the office room that I dont go to much. For some reason I went in. There was a little toad behind the door. Thanks Max. This little guy was real jumpy, its like he wanted to stay. I told him that he had to go outside or he would not live. Just like that he hoped in my hands. I took him to show your dad. Thanks for the little toad. I wanted him to stay, but I knew he was just a gift for a little while. I brought him out and there was another one. This one I have seen before he is a big guy. I think you sent this one to keep the little guy company. Thanks baby boy. I love the toads. I did not think I was going to see any tonight because its rainy. Max I love how you do that. Well I hope its you, I hope your around. I love you my little love. Max I want to go to bed real early tonight. Only because I have nothing to do and want to sleep. Maybe I will see  you in my dreams.
I love you