Day37 Why cant I be happy for good news.(well I am happy, just not happy :/)

Max its not such a good morning. I finally feel asleep around 5. When I woke up, checked the notices on my phone I saw something that just made me sad, and frustrated. Why? Why is my question? Why could I want you so much and then not have you? Max im sorry for the way I am, please forgive me, maybe im not a good person and did not deserve you.  I just dont understand. I continue to have a hard time with pregnancy, its like its all around me. I know I cant put myself in a bubble and avoid the world. I need to figure it out. Its strange im happy for others but so heartbroken for us. Somethings I wish I did not know. I know I cant stop the world, and I will find things out that really hurt. I dont know how to deal with that. People are going to get pregnant all around me. Deal with it. BUT how do I deal with it Max. Im much better with those I know who just had babies or about to give birth. Im not doing ok, with new pregnancies and the excitement for them. Im just not....... Again I need to just deal with it!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I think im going to stay in bed today.