Today is September 18th, 2011. It has been 33 long days since my baby Max has died. I have been writing to him everyday since I go home from the hospital. I miss him so much and this blog will be another way I get to write to my baby and share my love to him. My mind races all the time and sometimes what you read may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me. I think I will start by sharing some of the things I have written to my baby.
This is for me and I hope no one gets offend. I am an honest person and will not hold back.
There have been a lot of days with a lot of thoughts. I wanted to write most of them down on here. I wanted people to be able to read the things I have written to my Max. I left out some things. The things that only make sense to me and my baby. I hope that you are able to read my thoughts. I thank you for helping me keep Max alive with in me.
One more thing. I tend to write how I speak. I apologize for my spelling and lack of grammar. Please don't judge me for that.
DAY 9 I wrote " I have nothing to wake up to but I still have to wake up, then all I do is think about you and how cheated we are. Im so afraid the loss of you has ruined me. I cry at random things. I see the pain on Shanes face and wish it never had to be that way. I may be selfish but I miss you in my belly. I miss feeling your movement. I miss taking care of myself so that you would be ok"
DAY 10 " Max I made it to double digits. All that means is that you are getting further away from since I had you. I had to go to the doctors today for the C-section being infected. It was so hard to be there at that office. I felt like I was marked with a huge X. Everyone knew I was the one whose baby had died. "
" Max you look like Shanes daddy, maybe he is with you"
"Max I wish I would have been able to keep you. Your dad would have been a wonderful daddy. Im so glad he kissed my belly almost every night when you were growing inside me. "
"Max Im so scared that you were my one and only chance and I ruined it. Max im sorry"
" Max I never should have feared the C-section. Maybe if you stayed breech and were born sooner you would still be alive."
"I have to manny fucking what ifs"
"Should I go to church. Will that change things for me. If I want to go to church how will that make Shane feel. For some reason I don't feel there is this "God" person, but I do believe in something bigger then me, that I cant explain. "
" Max it is still day 10, and it has been hard. I hate myself for thinking jealous thoughts, but I saw a man with a little baby and I felt so jealous. Why was she so lucky?"
DAY 11"Max my love talking with Casey yesterday I learned of a mom who had twins. One of her babies died on 8/4. She had her baby for four and a half months. I hope the moments you had in life were ok, with no pain. I hope you drifted away with no fear. I know coming into the world is stressful, but at least you did not suffer long. "
" I feel like I cant post how I feel on facebook because people will think im doing bad. Which I am I just don't want people to know. I don't want to see comments from my mom and all her pity. I know she wants me to feel better, but no one can make me feel better. We are different. She has a need to hover, I need to separate, figure things out and be with Shane. I feel bad for my mom. But Max I lost you , and I love you"
" Someone said people say we are strong , when in truth we have no choice to be a certain way in front of people"
"Max this morning was hard, but I had a realization that then mid mornings are hard because you were born at 11:40am and then died shortly after. Why did I not realize this till now. My body new it was empty with out you"
" I am aware that i am distant and blank when people attempt to comfort me. I feel bad, but I am very appreciative"
"Max each day seems harder and harder. I miss you more and more. I go through sadness, anger and guilt all at the same time. I am able to do more things each day but the sadness is getting worse. "
"Max is it going to be like this forever"
"Did I not nest like I hear people describe because you were not going to be coming home with me. Was I to controlling. I had to have everything, my way. Did I really need to have all your baby things. I should have not prepared. Maybe then I would still have you."
"Max I got your ashes today, I feel exhausted but I have the teddy bear with you inside of it. I love it. It is something to hold. I need it. I also have a necklace with a piece of you inside it . You will always be with me"
" Your death certificate says Hypoxemic respiratory failure...................but why. you were perfect."
"I feel bad for my own mother"
"Max you are a beautiful baby. I love looking at your face. Your button nose and cute little lips"
DAY 12 "Max my baby I was so happy to have you in my belly. You were the greatest thing ever and I cant control missing you. Love you baby boy"
"Max were do people really go when they die. No one will ever really know. Do we tell our selves things to make ourselves feel better, or do we really need something to believe in"
DAY 13" Max today I cant breath, I feel like im going to break into a million pieces.
"Max I feel so angry and sad all the time. There seems to be happy familys everywhere with there babies. When I was pregnant with you I had lots of friends who were also pregnant. SOme even giving birth when I was as well. I am happy for truly happy for them and I would not want any one to feel this pain. BUT why could I not keep you? I feel so much jealous towards them. Which makes me feel worse. I hate how I feel, am I an evil person?"
"yesterday I was ok. What ever that means. Today I am anything but ok. I have my mom checking on me every moment. I just want you home with me. I feel cheated, lost and like my world was picked up and thrown down into a million micro-parts. I wake up lost and go to sleep lost. I need you more then I ever thought would."
DAY 14 "this month is almost over, does it mean you are more gone."
"Max when do we call a therapist? will it mean Im trying to push you behind to fast."
"Max I love you. Should I make a blog for you? Or should I keep it hear in your book?"
"Dear Max it has been two weeks. Today I will write my letter for your memorial. Its crazy how guilty I can feel for feeling ok for a little while"
"Max remember the crab spider. He hunts me "
DAY 17 "Max today is your memorial. we will get through today, you, daddy , and me."
"Max today is so hard, im sitting in your room and its peaceful, but you should be here with me. I wish I did not have to have the memorial, but because we did it was nice. There was a lot of people there for you and it was overwhelming. I am very touched by the support and very grateful. I love you baby boy"
DAY 18 "Max Im angry I cant help thinking something went wrong, and you should be here. But I hate feeling this way"
DAY 19 " Max last night was hard, I ran out of sleeping pills and had weird dreams. Im agitated today and feel on the edge. Someone who was pregnant with me had there baby today. I feel so jealous. I am happy for her, the baby is so cute, but it makes me feel so bad. Max I hate these feelings. I need help to not be so jealous and angry. Its not who I am, I feel so depressed. Something is missing from me that I will never get back. "
DAY 20 " Today is your dads birthday and our anniversary. "
"Max Im going to try and have a good day. I love you and Shane"
DAY 21 "Three weeks baby boy"
"Maybe I will call a counselor today."
"Max I hope al the toads are from you. Ever since I saw the one hop into your room, I see toads all the time. They make me think happy thoughts. They remind me of you. "
DAY 23 "Max I miss you so much, I cant get my brain around what could of happened to you.I feel like you should be here, even though nothing will bring you back.
"Max Caseys cancer is getting worse, Laura's mother is getting sicker. Max I miss you but I feel so bad for them. I dont know how to pray, I only know how to wish for them. I don't want anyone else to die and feel pain. I dont know why things have to be so bad for such good people"
"I love writing to you baby boy, I hope you can listen I hope your ok. Goodnight baby boy."
DAY 24 "Max today is that little girls funeral. Maybe you will get to meet her."
"Max Im bored today, if I had you I would not be bored. When pregnant and bored I prepared for you. I have nothing to do now. Max I miss you but im trying not to feel so bad. I was lucky to have you in my life, luckier then a lot of people. "
"Max I hope that one day I will get to feel your sibling inside of me, I hope I am lucky again.
"Max I had a hard time tonight, thank you for showing me the toads. The shiny one was real neat. "
"Max I talked to your dad tonight about what happened to you. Sometimes I blame the doctors, and I needed to talk about that I guess. It just does not make sense to me. I don't understand what happened to you. The thing that haunts me is that you came out perfect, Im lucky I got to kiss your cheek, but maybe those seconds could have been what saved your life. MaxI feel guilty for everything."
DAY 26 " Max I wonder if I had treated people better would I still have you. What about all those spiders I killed. MaxI feel like a horrible person. Things keep going wrong. A friends brother in law past away, and Nala is real sick, my poor mom. "
"Max on my walks I see some cool nature things. Are they a sign of you, or am I just looking for a sign. Did I not notice these things before, or did they mean nothing to me. I wonder if my grandmother and aunt are with you."
DAY 27 " Max Nala died today. I hope you get to play with her. We went and saw Dr.Munabi to see what our options are to giving you a sibling. It may be quicker to try again then I thought it would be. Im worried though. I feel like you were my one and only chance. "
"Max I just wanted to write and tell you I love you before I go to sleep"
"I took the pac and play down, and I feel guilty. Our room looks so big and empty"
DAY 28 "Max baby today is a month since you have been gone"
"Max thank you for everything. I had a good day, I know you were with me, and I love you my baby boy"
DAY 29 "Max im going to a support group tonight im real nervous"
"Max thank you for the toad tonight, also I think thats you in the sun rays. "
DAY 30 "I feel crabby today, I miss you baby boy. I feel sad today. "
" Max I dont know if I can handle this. Max im not sure how im supposed to feel. Max baby I dont know if I can handle being in the public with happy pregnant people and babies. What is wrong with me."
"Max im having a hard day. We got another sympathy card. Strangely it made me feel good. Not because we got one but because 30 days later you have not been forgotten. People have not forgot you. I will never forget you, or replace you. I was/still am so lucky to have you in my belly. "
"Max I did not see your toad. Im in a funk big time today"
"MaxI have friends. I just wish I had some closer and they would come see me. I do feel like I need people to talk to"
DAY 31 "Max Im having a really bad day. I dont know why I get like this. I miss you and feel so lost. Tonight I went out to dinner with my mom. I hated every bit of it. I did not want to go. I went for them and shane. I feel so mean I just cant seem to fake it anymore"
And now we are at day 33
I went running for the first time today. It felt good even though I am so out of shape. Max today is an ok day. I like that im re-writing what i have all ready written.I feel bad that some people may get offended with how I feel . This is my journey for my Max
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