Max im sorry I have not been doing well. My morning was not good at all. I was bothered by news I should be happy over. I did not sleep and felt so low in missing you. After processing my thoughts, getting advice from other moms missing there babies, and talking with your dad. I started to calm down. I was struggling with calling the nurse who was with you. When she said call any time and maybe we can get together I took it as a polite thing to say. Most people say that, but Im not sure how many mean it. BUT anyway I gathered my nerves (because Im not good at calling people to ask for things) well I called. It was the best thing I could have done for myself today so far. She also has been through this. Its also a connection to you. She was there when you died. Its weird how I can connect with someone I barely know. How I needed to connect. We talked for a while, it was good. We are going to meet next tuesday. Im so grateful that she meant it, and that she really talked to me. She did not rush to get off the phone or make me feel like I was bothering her. Max baby then someone else called, I appreciated it. I told your daddy it must be hard for people to call, its like they don't know how to handle me. I understand that I don't knowhow I would be with calling someone if the roles were reversed. When its not your problem you tend to forget. I have done this. I don't think about others as much as I should have. 5 weeks is just as hard as the day you born, but to someone not in my shoes 5 weeks is plenty of time to get over it. It meant a lot that this person called. Max Im feeling better. Im going to do somethings now. Maybe ill do the dishes for your dad, I need to vacuum and clean the kitchen. Im actually ok doing those things right now. Im ok to get up and accomplish something.
Max I love you , I will talk to you soon.
Peace and Toads.
7:25Pm
Max my mind is racing but its ok. Im actually trying to finds the words for this. Im in awe I guess. You know I was having a hard past 2 days. Well I went for my walk/run when I started the sky was cloudy and dark. As I was walking I started to relax and look at what's around me. When I got to the airport there were little birds everywhere. they were soaring in the sky making amazing patterns. A helicopter took off and they swarmed away but then made even more patterns . Its like this amazing dance, that only they know. It was so beautiful to watch. On my half way point I turned around and saw the sky. The clouds were rolling in but bright white. The red from the shown through. I decided to take a different road. I wanted to walk further. I look to the sky again and find it amazing. Just then on my ipod "back to the earth" by rusted root came on. The sky was lit up red on one side and the clouds big and white. I decide to start running. When I get to the end of this new road I saw something I did not believe could be there. SO I look again. Max baby the clouds made a toad in the sky. I have a picture but it does not look like it did when I first saw it. The clouds were formed well and looked like art. It seemed like all these forms were being made, I saw a dog going towards the toad. I saw two figures that looked like two people in love. I saw clouds that looked like mountains rolling in the distance. I promise I did not make this up and I wish the pictures could show what I saw but my phone did not do so well. After this I just smiled and felt at peace for the night. Its weird how this wave went over me and in that moment I felt ok. I also was ok, with feeling ok! Max I was not going to bring my phone on the walk, but I thought what if I need to take a picture. Im so glad I brought my phone. Max it gets better, Im still listen to "back to the earth" and I was running like I was not out of shape. I was running like I used to and that feeling of being free came back. As soon as im back home , I go down the basement to feed the cats, as soon as I enter the doorway there is a toad. I picked him up, brought him to your dad so he could say "hello" I took his picture and then I set him back to the earth outside. Max Im sure you know this all and I like to think it was all from you....... Max I love you and thank you.
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| You cant see the toad well, my phone could not capture when I stopped to get it. But the toad is straight ahead he is little and in the middle. Im sure it looks like nothing but it was there |
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| Again you cant see how amazing the clouds were when they were rolling in. |
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| The toad Max gave me in my basement when I came home from the run. Thank you. |
Max thank you for coming to me tonight in all kids of ways. Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am and how you are everywhere. Thanks for helping me refocus tonight.
Love you my little love
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