Day36 Failure Try again..........

2:29 Pm
Max my mind is racing today in all directions. What am I doing...... When I woke up this morning I ate cookie dough. I wont eat anymore. I ate it because its something I can eat. I was not allowed to eat that when I was pregnant. I have a hard time eating, I have no appetite at all. I was SO hungry all the time when you were growing in me. Im back to my disgust with breakfast, not hungry at lunch but starving after 6. Its weird because I don't want anything to do with foods I ate when pregnant with you. The only thing I seem to want is red meat and broccoli. I was never a huge red meat person. I cook it on the George Forman and just eat it like that. On or in nothing! sounds good ha!
Max there are people im thinking about today. Because im putting things in here I should stop saying names. I know you know who im talking about and I will still put them in your book. I found out something about someone I have always known, its just not something you ask. My mind is processing what to say. I need to say "hI" to all the people I think about more often. you never know when they wont be around. A friend I think is having a hard time. Something happened between her and her fiance. Its not my place to know details, I hope she is ok. I know when your dad and I broke up I was a MESS but not the way I am know. This is a different kind of sadness an empty void. But when I broke up with your dad, I was not able to function at all. If I was pregnant at the time it would be so much harder. I hope they are ok, and are able to figure things out. I hope for her that she gets to meet her baby this week and is able to enjoy it. There is a man I work with whose wife died last year around this time. I hope he is ok. He has always been so kind to us. I think about him often and how If shane died also I would have nothing. I think about him dying all the time. I hope I go first, or I hope we are so old I don't remember. But either way when we die we will see you again.
Then I think about the 2 I think about often. The struggle they both must have. One I knew a long time ago in high school and then got back in touch with mostly while pregnant with you. The other I met in college, she saved me one night from massive embarrassment. Both I hope will be ok, both for different reasons. Max I love and miss you but im still lucky to have had you.

4pm Max im getting real nervous to leave and go do something. Im nervous to see Julie. Beanz will be happy. I just dont know how the going in pubic and facing old things on my own will be. I should be showing you off and talking about you....

7:20pm

Where is the coastguard

I keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me something

I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine

The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life believe me

(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean

(Blue October. Into the Ocean)

Max baby im having a very hard time tonight. I hate how I can go from  ok to a mess. You know I took Beanz back to see his agility instructor. I thought I would be ok, and I was when I was there. But theres things that really bothered me. I wanted to leave. When she would speak it was like blaaaaaaa I know Beanz was happy though. Max to start she told me I look healthy which means I look fat. But thats not so bad at all. Im just having a hard time focusing in general. She decides to tell me about a dog she is training. She just started, with a border collie, she tells me how smart and fast it is. Ok not a big deal, we then go inside to work on weave poles and She tells me that the dogs name is Max. Well Im glad this dog is fast and smart but Why tell me his name is Max. I did not tell her I took a poop and named it Luke. things continue and then she starts calling beanz Max, she did this 3 times before realizing. I was so mad, and sad all wrapped up into one. I know there is not harm in what she did, and on a normal day I would not be affected what so ever. I wanted to leave at that point but I was there for my dog. Beanz has been helpful with getting me moving, I could not run away at that moment. At this point im in a massive mood.

I came home and decided to go for a walk. I have been taking several walks a day Max, They help me clear my head. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. Well Im glad its rainy and semi-dark because people cant see me cry. I was walking and then all of a sudden started to ball. There wasn't even a sad song on the ipod. There was no sunset tonight but the clouds were all over and moving fast. The sky seemed to fit my mood. Max moments I miss you so much more. Im having a moment. Its like I just get hit with this overwhelming sense of sadness, its an empty feeling I cant explain. Just when I think im doing ok, I feel so awful.  Max back to the healthy comment. She said theres not point to lose all the weight because im going to try again. Well yes we want to have another baby. You know that. The thing that bothers me is those words "try again" I do the same thing, I say those words. But I was thinking its like I failed at you and need another chance. I did not fail with you, you were the best thing I ever did. I may have failed at being your mom and keeping you alive. But you were not a failure. You get to TRY AGAIN at sports or if you winning the lottery or burning a meal, or guessing a clue. I hope to have a sibling for you but its not look oh well he died lets try again.

Max I wish I could walk all night. Walk until I cant anymore. Walk until im so tired I collapse. Walk until I have nothing left. Im sorry im like this tonight baby boy. I don't want to stop talking to you tonight, but im not being a good mom tonight. I should be better, im angry and sad and not being nice.
I even have cramps tonight, I hope im getting my period. If so then the next one we can call Dr.Munabi. I hope these cramps are not a sign that something else is going to go wrong. Sorry Max baby im not so positive right now. Feeling low.....But I will be ok....... I love you my little love.

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space