I think in the beginning I will be writing a lot. It Makes me feel better. Max so far im doing well today. I think it is because I have been distracted. The evenings have been harder for me lately. I just get so sad. Last night I was having a hard time. I spent some time with Shane. Shane is my saving grace through all this. I would never be able to do this with out him. I also feel like Shane is going to get tired of me. Tired of me being sad and not wanting to do anything. I know he loves me. I would not be able to survive with out him.Today I decided I was going to try to run. I am so out of shape and overweight. It would be all worth it If I had Max with me. The run went ok. I walked then ran some. I got out Beanz agility equipment, so I have been able to be outside with him. I always feel guilty no matter what. I am guilty for everything. Days when I have ok days, I feel guilty. I want to be ok. Im ok to go outside, but im still not ok to be in public. Im not doing well with lots of people. I love face book but sometimes its toxic to me because I can see beautiful babies, and everyones excitement. Even my own sister, which then makes me feel sorry for myself. I feel like an evil, jealous person. Maybe I am unworthy for him, because I feel this way. I am happy for them and would never want anyone to feel bad. Thats not what I mean. I just miss you. I guess im just feeling sorry for myself and wish I had you here with me.
Last week we went and talked to the fertility doctor. According to him we should be able to use are frozen embryos around January. It feels so far away. I need to try again. I need a reason to take care of my self, a reason to eat, and a reason to breath. What Max gave me was so amazing. Am I being selfish for wanting that back. I did want kids back to back originally. It also brings up so many fears, what if this can happen again. What if my next baby dies. What if the IVF does not work. I would like to know what happened to Max, so that I may prevent it in the future. I know this is something to fear in the future, and I should not be so focused on it now.
Max now we are into the evening and here comes my missing you. I hope the toad comes out today because it has been warmer. I miss seeing the toads. When I see the toads it makes me think your ok and that you are here with me.
I am so thankful for you Max. You healed me in so many ways. Before you came I was always focused on me in the sense that I was unhappy with my body. I spent so many years trying to change it. I could never be thin enough. Then you came along and I loved getting fat for you. I did everything for you. You showed me how to put my self destructing tendencies aside and think about someone else. Max you fixed me in ways that no one else ever could have. I wont go back there for you. I may be broken now, but I am a different person then I was before. Currently I am fearful, and timid, but still hopeful and thankful for you and everything I have.
Max baby I love you. Overall today is OK, but even OK days are hard.
Morning Shue~
ReplyDeleteI know it's not the same, but I want you to know that I feel all the same things towards friends who have "normal" siblings and get to be aunts and uncles. Obviously I have my own set of issues that I'm trying to work on but after we found out Jean was terminal I shut down. I refused to try to expand our family, all I saw was how it was going to be destroyed. I'm trying to move past that now, but it's been a strong thought for a long long time. I feel jealous and guilty about these thoughts all the time, but it has gotten easier to accept that I won't be a biological aunt, won't have that normalcy. And it helps to have such great friends, you and Dorothy included, who have always made me feel like part of your families. I hope you have a good day today, I'll be looking for the toad that Max sends to me, I didn't see him yesterday, but it was a crazy day and I didn't really have a chance either.
xo
Thanks Dal. That is very understandable. I know you were jealous of my family (thats sarcastic) I will share them with you. I kind of know thats how you felt. Shane and I actually decided a while ago when Max was just starting to grow that you were going to be the godmother for that reason. I hope this does not make you sad. We then forgot and did not think about those decisions until later.
ReplyDeleteHey you were the first to follow me and write a comment.