Max today is going ok, but Im real angry today. Im trying not to be. We went to therapy today, but she made me very angry. It don't know how it is helping me to deal with missing you and my grief. Im angry at babies. I think more so because I cant have my baby. I hate that im angry because I love babies and would never want any one to be with out theirs. I have met some really good people, who sadly are going through the same process. Its amazing how many people feel the same way. This is normal I guess. I don't want people to leave me out of there lives for feeling this way. I still like looking at there pictures and get excited for them. It just reminds me of what im missing. I guess im being greedy and selfish. Sometimes I want to contact people with little babies (people I trust ) and ask to go see them. Sometimes I want to hold them. I know how hard it would be but maybe it would help. Its not there fault, i should be happy. I cant help that it makes me so sad. Stupid roller coaster of emotions.
Im angry at having to continue my life.... No I don't mean that im angry that Im alive I just mean that life goes on. Life goes on when people die. I cant stop it and then catch up when Im ready.
I hate that im angry with my family and there is no reason why, other then just am.
Im angry that during therapy she was bringing up dumb things. (but I guess if it made me angry maybe there is something behind it right.....)
Im angry that my wrist hurts because I have been typing so much.
Im angry that today is 5 weeks since you have been gone. Next week is the 6 week follow up and then October I go back to work.
BUT
I am happy for loving you
grateful for Shane.
I have a wonderful dog who gives pit mixes a great reputation.
I have 2 feet that allow me to walk and run.
I have a loving family
I have my health
I have friends
I have a job
I am grateful for my sight to see the amazing things around me.
I have hope that I will get pregnant again.
I am much more aware of the things around me because of you.
Im going to try my best for you.
Im going to be nicer for you
I will always be grateful for what I have.
I will not allow my self to feel this way forever, i will not be stuck and I will be ok.
Max there are so many people who are struggling with something. I have friends with really hard struggles. I wish I could take it all for them. There are people facing there own demons. I know im having a hard time but things could be worse. When I think about you Max I am also thinking about them. I hope they get better. I hope health improves for some and peace comes for others. Max I guess praying is wishing and hoping for others. When I talk to you am I praying. When I talk to the sunset on our walks or when I am in a positive moment is that. Do you hear me. If so can you help others in my life feel ok. Thanks little boy.
Max there is so much I should be doing. I have a huge list of things to get done. Today other then go to therapy I have done nothing. Maybe I should start taking the ADD medications again. But im scared to because I want to try and give you a sibling. But I struggle with maybe it will help me focus again (ha ha its called focalin) . Maybe I will feel better if I can get something done. Maybe I wont feel so depressed if I can be productive.
Max I know im just rambling again to you. one more thing before my wrist falls off. Music makes me feel all kinds of ways. It can make me happy, sad, angry or all those things. The song cannot be sad but make me sad. Either way I like the way music makes me feel. I write in here under Anna Begins because since the 90's it has been my favorite song from the Counting Crows. It makes me sad, and happy. Its about a love, a love he never felt before. But he does not know if he is ready to face that love. He has to make a decision if he stays or goes. Its about having to make a decision. Having to decided if you are ready for such a thing, Its also about pushing people away. Hurting the ones you love. Then learning you were never ready at all. But it was still love and now you have to face the consequences.
Max I loved you so much, but what If I was not ready for you. You have taught me so much and I can never go back to how I was before you.
On a different music note I heard seek up by Dave Matthew's and that song just sums up my mood today. Im not going to put the lyrics on here I have all ready put enough on. But it sums my mood up.
Max Baby im going to go for a walk. I love you.
I don't know if this is the right place to say this, please delete if you feel it's wrong...But Jesse's mom had a similar experience, miscarriages and then her first baby died...I don't remember if she was like Max and was born but left her or was stillborn...But Jesse has 3 sisters. So I just wanted to share that, in case it gave you hope for the future. I know her mom struggled after Nicole died but the family has never forgotten her. In fact, the first granddaugther's middle name is Nicole. And I know that they miss her and consider themselves 1 of 5 sisters even if they never met.
ReplyDeletelove you.