Mothers Day

No words can begin to express how sad I was to celebrate this day with out you. Today should be a day we spent together. I did as best as I could today. I was surprised by some of the love that I received. I was really hurt that Shane's mom said nothing to him about this being mothers day for me also. I was very surprised and very touched by one sister. She brought flowers over and a beautiful card. It really touched me and made me have good tears. SHe is one sister that has never seemed to bother me emotionally. Max I did my best to be good for you. I did my best to honor our mother son relationship. I took a lot of pictures today. Im slowly starting to pull my camera out again and taking pictures of life. Here are pictures of our first Mothers day.  I love you Max. Thanks for making me a mommy!

Enjoy your pictures!

Daddy and Beanz

Max bear (your ashes are in there) Daddy, Beanz and I, in front of your tree.

Max Bear, Beanz and I by your tree.

Silly dog!

Your Daddy and Max bear! 

Love you Max

I planted flowers around your tree. Hopefully they will bloom all summer. 

More flowers I planted today. 

This guy was flying by on a newly planted flower. 

Another bee hanging out. 

More potted flowers and one of your toad houses. 

LOVE YOU

FLowers from Aunt Cheryl. 

Toad grass head in your window

Monkey looking at our flowers in your room. 

Max Im having a really hard time tonight. I feel so heart broken and sad. Tomorrow is mothers day. A day im dreading. Tomorrow I will be reminded, what I know. Most people have forgotten. To them because I dont have you in my arms, I am not a mom. Today was really hard for me. I would be fine, then breakdown. I did not get of the couch until noon. Im just so incredibly sad.I feel like you are forgotten.  I even feel like your dad does not know what to do. But Max in my sadness, your dad and I together saw a baby toad. It was the greatest part of my day. I really needed that. I love and miss you so much. Being your mommy is the greatest thing ever.

Max I told a friend I would tell you to tell her little girl hi. Please have her send her mommy butterfly kisses. 

Max im sorry this is short. Im just really sad and heartbroken.

Thanks for the toad today beautiful boy. 

<3

Having another emotional night (preparing to get through mothers day)

Max I’m having a hard time tonight. I’m at work and it is going ok, but out of knows here two of the guys I work with start talking about Mothers day . I cant get away from it anywhere I go. They just randomly started talking about what they are doing for there wives.  Then the one started talking about his baby, saying how if he does not go home he does not need to take care of the baby. Something about how he seems like he always is. Max my heart is breaking. I would do anything to take care of you.  I just started singling LA L A LA in my head really loud. Trying to keep my self from crying or walking out. These people have no bad intentions, its just they do not think about how I would be feeling. But why should they ? Not everyone needs to think about how others will be affected by things.  How hard this day is.  How incredible hard this stupid day is. To be honest I think mothers day will not be so bad, its all the stupid anticipation of it, all the preparations and commercialization.  I know I cant avoid what comes out of peoples mouths, so I hues I just keep screaming in my head as loud as I can so that I cant hear what’s being talked about.

Max I’m your mommy, and I want you here. I’m having a hard time. I started to cry today to your daddy. I would like to know if this will ever get easier. Your dad asked what we should do for mother’s day. I said we should just sit in your room all day. Maybe have lunch by your tree. On the way to work today I thought about going to a cemetery and walking around, reading graves and putting flowers on graves. Those people that dies are somebody’s child, somebody’s mother. I want to put them on graves that maybe have been forgotten. I don’t want anyone left out. Maybe it sounds morbid.  Maybe not. Max I miss you.  I wonder how many people will forget those that no longer have there child, that no longer have there mother. Will they care, will they go about there day(s) in complete bliss. They have it all. I want to tell these people to be aware of how others are feeling, to remember those that have had a hard year. You never know when your perfect life will be taken away. Be kind to everyone, you don’t know what they are going through. Max im going through a lot. I bet most people will forget about you and I on mother’s day. Your NCIU nurse remembered, one friend and your daddy remembered. I don’t know how many other people truly will. The thing that really hurts is if you were here in person, everyone would remember!

One amazing thing though, my dads family that I never talk to. They never seemed to take the time to love us. To want to be a part of our lives. Well I was fooling around on facebook and I saw one of my aunts had this shrine. In the shrine was a beautiful big picture of my grandmom, but also you were there. Max I started to cry. It was beautiful and amazing that she would put you there with her. She was the most amazing lady. It meant so much to me. Its starting to make me cry again.  Maybe at some point I can copy the picture and put it here with you.

I love you Max. Soon I will leave work and be home with your amazing daddy.

Sleep well my beautiful boy.

Your picture with my beautiful Grandmom.

From a friend. Thanks Max

-

Preparing for mothers day.....

Hi baby boy. So far today is ok. I’m doing ok I guess.  Mothers day is still looming in the background, but today I am ok.

Last night I got so upset. I really really, REALLY dislike your daddy’s brother. He is mean and psychotic. I hate the way he treats your dad and his mom. He basically told your dad that he thinks he has a son from a long time ago. The kid would be close to 18 now. (he has told your dad this before, but your dads brother lies all the time) Well anyway he told your dad that he is going to tell there mom on Mothers day.  At this point your daddy did not know what he wanted to tell his, mom. He just asked your dad if he thinks he should tell there mom a surprise on mothers day. Your daddy told him to check with her because she might not want any surprises.  Well his brother gets so mad and mean to him all the time. He then told your dad that he is jealous and he is telling her on mother’s day that she is a grandmother. Max baby I was so upset. Mostly because he is probably lying and because I truly believe he only did it to make your dad feel bad. He does this stuff to him all the time when he is drunk.  Its most likely a lie, because his brother is gay and LIES about everything. I feel so bad for your dad, how could anyone bring this up to there own family and accuse them of just being jealous that they have a son. I really dislike him and the things he does to his family.

I made it very clear to your dad I want know parts of any family things on mothers day. The day alone is really hard. I don’t need to be at his house. I have not even bought my own mom a card. I all ready made it very clear that I’m not going anywhere.

Max I received a mothers day card today. It really meant a lot. You may not be alive but I am your mommy. I don’t need any thing, nor do I expect things but its nice to be remembered that I am still a mom. I may not have you in my arms anymore, but we are connected. WE will always be connected.  It’s probably going to be the only mother’s day card. Most people don’t remember mothers like me.

I never thought the anticipation for mother’s day would be like this. I never thought this silly commercialized day would be so hard.  Good thing I can’t cry right now (at work) Because the tears are ready to bust out.

I looked for a card for a mom friend like me. They make nothing of the such. I think I should start my own hallmark card line. Cards for people holidays forget about or hurt.

Max I’m your mommy! Thanks for being my beautiful baby.

Hi baby boy. Today was ok.I worked night court so I went in late.  Im still here. Im tired. It was really nice being home with your dad today. It was also nice that I worked with very little people. I like it a lot better. Max I really miss you and I really hate my reality. I hate learning to live with out. You are my everything. Im really tired. I get to go home now and see your daddy!I love you Max. I'm home now and very frustrated. Your daddy told me something that really hurt me. ( nothing he did) I'm just very bothered and sad now. I will tell you tomorrow

Goodnight Max I love you!

starting of emotional

Today is starting off SUCKING everyone is talking about mothers day. I dont remember this ever being such a big deal. I cant seem to get away from it. Of course no one is asking me, what im doing for mothers day. Im sure they cant begin to imagine what im doing. Then there is baby talk everywhere. A co-supervisors wife is having a baby, and is walking around telling eveyone its a boy. I do not blame him, and im not even mad. It just hurts and I get so very sad. I cant tell these people not to talk about these happy things. I know if I only new the good things that could happen, I would be the same way. Or if you were here, of course I would be talking about mothers day. But your not, and im not (other then with your daddy).

Im really not in a bad mood, just a sad one, because all this is getting to me. Of course I need to put on a happy, everything is ok face, when really its not at all.

Sorry baby boy with my venting. I love you!

I love you.

Good evening Max! Today was long, but not really bad. So that's a good thing however when I woke up this morning I looked the same as yesterday, but somewhere along the day my belly popped out big time with this one! I mean I went from looking fat to looking pregnant. Your daddy even agrees. He was just as surprised. It's ok, it's just that it's going to be harder to hide from everyone. I feel huge, but I think thats because I have been so lazy and out of shape.

I looked through my camera at the pictures right after you died and the pictures I took before you were born. I was so happy knowing soon you would be in my arms. Never did I think when you got to go in my arms you would no longer be alive. I love looking at you but I'm so sad with out you. I saw a picture of your tree from the funeral, and it's so much better now. The tree is doing very well.

Max I love you. Your dad agrees with me that maybe you helped chose this baby as your sibling.

I love you.

My first Toad of spring!

Thanks Max baby I was really wondering if you thought I did not need you anymore or if they really were a sign from you. Im so glad i went to the back yard when I had no reason to. I really needed tonight, I love you and your toad friends!

A break...

Max, im sorry I never wrote to you yesterday. I feel very guilty for not writing. Yesterday was just a very emotional day. I cried a lot yesterday, and I talked a lot about you. YOur were on my mind all day. Yesterday though I could not seem to get my self together. I really have been missing you and these hormones im sure are not helping. I hate that I have to live with out you. I was just so down yesterday Max, I know you are aware that I was thinking about you. Emotionally I just could not write.
Today though has been better, I started out in a funk, but the day actually turned out ok. Today I feel better then I have since last friday. Thats a good thing I need a break from hysterically crying everyday for the smallest triggers.

Max I do want to know why I have not seen any toads yet this season. Is there a reason?

Baby boy I love you.

I love you baby boy.

Still sad...very sad

Baby boy I finally found a place that specializes in being pregnant after a death of a baby. They deal with all kinds of pregnancy issues as well. Its what they do and they are the only place like that in the general area. I finally got up the courage to call them and my insurance is not in network, everything would have to be out of pocket. I have been so emotional and could not contain myself. I have excellent insurance, and I actually call a place after my weekend of emotions I knew I had to and now I feel even worse. I was ok with actually finding a place thats not generic and now im back at square one. I feel so broken baby. I have been so emotional. I was talking to Case-face and I was telling her its ok that she feels sad and depressed, she is going though so much with this stupid cancer. Sad because she had cyber knife treatment today. She has every right to be sad and depressed. I know in my rational thinking that so do I, but in my irrational side I dont feel I have that right. I should be able to keep it together and try to be happy. Baby boy im really missing you, im having a hard time. Each day though I go to work and function, thats good enough right?

Later in the night........
Max I cant seem to stop crying tonight, everything is getting to me. Your dad is working away and im all alone. He came up to take a break and sat with me. I started crying more, him looking at me. I love him but i know im hurting him. I just cant help being sad tonight. Im still crying. Max baby I miss you so much. I dont want to go to work tomorrow. I want to lay in your room all day. I dont think many people can understand this need to be with you again. I feel like im having the worst migraine ever inside my whole body and heart. Its never going to go away because your missing.  I cant take any sort of sleeping pill or something to shut my brain of, but still im going to try and sleep now.

I love you.

Happy to end a very hard weekend.

Max its Sunday night and Im so glad this weekend is over. This weekend has been very hard and very emotional. Im glad its over. (almost).
I dont think I can begin to explain why things were the way they were this weekend. But I struggled a lot.  Today was Breonnas birthday, we had to go over to my moms. We were only there for an hour, because your daddy had to get home for work. Normally I hate that he has to work Sundays but it was perfect today. Just being there an hour was more then enough for me. I was ready to go, my nerves were shot. I felt like I was being mean to everyone around me (except the kids)
However I am a bit confused. I have not seen a toad at all yet this year and it has been depressing me. I have put so much into thinking that those toads have something to do with you. I thought it was your way of being with me, showing me your here with me. But I have also been selfish about keeping you to my self. Well all the kids were in my moms back yard and one of them saw a toad. your daddy was telling me to go get it, but I did not want to show any kind of excitement. Then my mom made this comment like of wow, how neat this Toad came out now. Why can I not handle emotion from anyone. What is my problem. But then I dont want you to be forgotten by anyone. How can I figure this out.
your dad is right Im really not doing well at all. But why cant pretending be good enough.
I went to a prenatal yoga class today with a friend and I wanted to laugh the whole time, I was very uncomfortable. My friend started to cry at the end because she is really is missing her mom. But I shut down and became funny almost, make jokes, dont care. I am the great pretender. But with all my emotions when I was alone in the car I started to cry. All I could think about was you today. I know im falling apart, and it seems faster then normal. Or harder to keep myself together on the inside.

Max I really wish I could run away, I wish I could run away to you. I love you.

I had another emotional day.Things have been hard. I think I'm a little scared for a family birthday event tomorrow. I'm hoping I can keep your sibling to my self, with out anyone finding out. I emotional can't deal with there emotions and my fear that once they no you will be forgotten by them.

I'm ok now but I was a mess for a while. I think it did not help that I was overly tired. But when your daddy was done dirt bike riding he pretty much cleaned the house and that seemed to help me mood. I felt like I could not get off the couch. I just had no motivation. I did do a spin class this morning, maybe it just everything out of me. I was so sad for hours though Max.

I'm glad right now I feel better right now. Your dad saves me.

Bad night

Max today started off ok, then it went down hill, now im just very sad. Your daddy and I went to the store to buy one of your cousins a birthday present and the time at the store went really well.We get home and I make a comment about being so unorganized (me) and your daddy turned the conversation into me not being able to be around family and friends anymore. One thing lead to another and basically we both up ended up becoming very emotional. I had a BIG break down. Your daddy is concerned because I'm really good at pretending but also pushing people away at the same time. He is worried that I avoiding way to much and most of all is sad because I'm so sad. He told me it really hurts him that as much as people may think I'm hurting that it really is so much worse then any one knows. He is worried that I am so good at pretending, that Im getting worse and worse on the inside privately and alone. No body can help. Well he maybe right-he is right. We talked about how we both miss you so much and a little bit of my anger towards family, how I'm contradicting because I want people to remember Max but I don't want to have to address feelings at all. We talked about me and my never asking for help and pushing people away even more. Im having lots of anxiety and extra sadness. I am so happy for this baby but I fear that someone will take that happiness and have it erase from my sadness. It makes sense in my head.
We talked about your daddy, his sadness and how he really misses you and his dad a lot.
I love your dad and he is amazing to me.

Max I'm very tired, very emotional and cranky. Im having a very hard time writing tonight, I keep crying and I can't focus. But I love you so very much, and I miss you.

I love you max baby. I hope you are ok. I love you.

Sorry I did not write

I’m so sorry I did not write to you last night. I have no excuse. I was not having a bad day but I was having an emotional overload day. Where I needed to not think about anything.  I had to go to the grocery store which I really dislike. There were  shockingly a lot of people that I work in the county or others that I know. SO spent most of the time avoiding people instead of focusing on food that I needed to buy. It ended up being a waste of a trip. My mind just has been real full with emotion.

I’m really worried about Casey and her scan results today. She all ready knows that the brain cancer is back. So because of that I’m really worried that cancer in other places is going to come back also. I need it to stay away and to continue to improve.

I was worried about your daddy and his emotions, but the day ended up being a lot better for him that he anticipated. News he had to tell someone went much better then he anticipated. His work was very supportive of his future goals.

Max I have no excuse I was just really on emotional overload and could not focus on anything really. I feel very guilty for not writing to you. I hope you understand why and are ok.

Max if you have a way of sending good vibes down can you please send them to Case face and there are others in my mind who need extra love. Im ok today OR I will be ok.

I promise I will write tonight. I love you more then anything and I would give up everything in my life to have you back.

I love you.

Baby boy I'm going to sleep even though it's still light out. I just can't stay up anymore. I don't want to, but I'm also tired.
I love you

Intense sadness is creeping back again.

Max baby today was pretty emotional. The appointment was good it just brought up so much sadness that sometimes I dont know if I can handle it. Max the geneticist went over your autopsy and she made comment to so other things that could have been a problem. Minor stuff, but she was asking if a genetic study was done on you. I did not know. I felt like when she asked I have should have known that answer. She seemed concerned about some of the things that were on there and that were not. She said she was going to see if one was done and she wants to see what genetic test were done on your dad and I at RSI. It just worried me I guess. Then we had an ultrasound and when it was over, another doctor came in and started talking about Max and how the small placenta alone should not have been as much as a factor as we think. She started talking about some studies on placenta size and baby health. She started talking about some other things and placenta studies. She also said she could not give us any answers that we dont all ready have, and that she has no explantation to why this happened to you Max. She did agree though that your sibling will be born before his/her due date. It was all so emotional. I broke down and started crying when we were talking about the anxiety and the stress of being pregnant again. I guess the good thing is its normal. I know, no one can guarantee this baby staying alive, but its helpfully that Im being watched more. I will go back to the specialist for the 20 week scan and then again at 32 weeks. I just need to deal a day at a time. Its just so hard when Im missing you so much.  So far this baby is doing well. he/she is right on track and growing well. The placenta looks good and this baby was moving SO SO much it was hard for the doctors to get good measurements. Your dad and I don't remember you being so active on the ultrasounds. You posed more though! I got some really good pictures of your sibling. They were unable to tell us the sex but your daddy really thinks its a boy like you. I think anxiety wise I would feel better if it were a sister but I secretly think its a boy also.

Maybe im starting to think that all this time the reason why I thought you died may not be the reason. Well yes the meconium but maybe the placenta had nothing to do with it. My mind is full of questions that will never be answered and I need to stop trying to figure it all out.

Max I had these weird dreams last night. I was really missing you, and even in my dreams where it can be anything my brain wants. But my longing for you was even in my dreams. I woke up feeling so sad. Everything I do I think of you, and sometimes I dont know if I will ever manage life.

All around though today was emotional but there were also good moments in it. I went to breakfast with a friend. I was around her baby and was completely ok with it. Maybe its because Im completely ok with her, her baby is a few months younger then you. But it was good.

Im not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I have to go to a hearing in regards to a former deputy that was let go. Also I just hate being there. Not because of the work or the job, I just hate leaving the house and having to function when I really just want to be with your dad and beanz. If I were rich I really think I would quit for a while. But if you asked me that question a year ago, that would not be my answer. Maybe I wish I could just take a long real vacation.

I know I should stop being woe is me and just get my act together, but its pretty hard and I hate that I cant seem to get it together. Im trying but at the same time I wish I could run away! someday Max i will be the mom you deserve and someday I will be ok again. Or maybe I never will be. All I know is I am very sad with out you here. But as always I will be ok, I always am. I have no choice. It seems like lots of bad things can happened to me and somehow I manage. I told you before you dying is so much worse then being abused over and over.  I could live with that I guess, but living with out you is a lot more traumatic. Or maybe it just took me most of my life to deal with that, and it was normal. It was life. Its not normal to be living with out you.

Good evening baby boy. I'm getting real anxious for tomorrow I have a big fetal maternal medicine appointment and I'm so anxious and worried. What worries me is that I have to bring your autopsy and I know the day you died and why will be topic of conversation and I'm so anxious and scared. I dread talking about you and your death. It never gets easier. I'm off tomorrow though so that's good.

Max I feel like I'm getting sick. It could just be allergies though. I hope I'm not getting sick though.

I'm going to bed. Max thank you for everything you teach me and give to me. I love you

Anxiety

Hello baby I wanted to try not writing tonight and see how bad it made my anxiety. Well obviously I'm writing so I did not get to even trying. Today was sort of productive. Overall a good day. I have been talking a lot about you to your daddy and I like that together we can include you in our life. I like that it's ok. I love being able to talk about you with your dad.

Max I'm strafing to look pregnant and i told your dad how I want to look pregnant to strangers but I want to hide it as best I can to those that know me. By talking to your dad I figured out that those that know me the congratulations makes me feel weird. I don't want to here it. It seems fake or like they feel sorry. I'm also very afraid that I will be judged or they will forget you and focus on this child only. Where a stranger is innocent and there is no uncomfortable emotions or pre-anxiety.

Max I really wish your dad, Beanz and I could just pack up and run away somewhere very far. Where everything is different and there are no sad memories. Max I can't function anymore with normal people.

I love you Max. Good night my sweet boy!

I love you

Max baby I'm tired tonight. I love you. Today was ok though. I am in love with
Of monsters and men. There album is really good and makes me real emotional but in a ok way. I don't know what it is but there is something about the album that connects me to you. I can't really put words to it. It's good though.

I'm hoping to sleep tonight.
I love you!

Anxious

Hi Max baby, we had to bring zaya back as great as she was there is no way she would ever be able to safely live with the cats. Your dad and I feel really bad but we both know it is for the better. But one of the things that frustrates me a little is people say you picked this dog out for us. Well no you did not, your dead. Dead people don't pick out animals. But with the same concept I feel you have a say in this sibling. So it goes both ways I guess. But I don't think people should say you have a say in everything I do. I know it's peoples way of trying to connect you to me. But I'm all ready connected and saying those things is not making me miss you any less or make me feel better. I don't know if I will ever feel better.

I thought today as I looked at this beautiful pink dog wood tree that looked dead as dead could be but it's blooming and beautiful, made me think how come you can't come back. How come your not just hibernating. I want you to bloom and come back alive. I know that's not possible but I want you to.

Max one of the supervisors talked about me being pregnant out loud when a handful of people where around. It really bothered me, I know people will eventually figure it out. But I wish I could keep this our secret. I think I have to tell him not to open his mouth again. My family still does not know and he thinks my one sister is hot. So I need to make sure he stops talking.

Max baby I love you, your daddy wants us to go out with a friend and his fiancé Saturday. Just hearing that my anxiety is all ready intense. I can't handle that. Why can't I. Why can't I deal with these social gatherings any more. Why can't he go with out me and I stay home. As lonely as I feel I realize I will never be able to relate to anyone in my normal life anymore. I can't have conversations with people. I can't tolerate stupid things, even though I really try. I can't keep my mouth shut,if my opinion is asked. I don't care about anything other then you most says. People will never understand unless there baby dies. (which would be awful) I feel like I no longer have friends. I would not want to be my friend. All I know is I miss you. I randomly started crying again today on
My way home. I heard a song for the first time. I can't tell you the lyrics, but the feel of it got to me.

Well baby boy I love you and good night.

bad day

Max baby today is just a BAD day all around, but I can deal with me. Your daddy is having a really bad night. One of the worst I have seen from him in a very long time. I wish I could help him. I know he is hurting he has had a lot of losses, then work is so overwhelming for him, and we never should have adopted this other dog. She is not a good fit for our home. The poor cats are trapped away and everyone is on edge. I know im good with animals but I have no idea what to do with her. Your dad is under so much stress and feels like a failure because she most likely will go back tomorrow. He takes things so personal, like everything is his fault. He is falling apart fast, and Im really worried. Max baby please watch over your daddy. Can you also tell his daddy and grand-mom, that he needs lots of support now.
I love him so much and he cant fall apart. When your daddy falls apart, its not good. I dont care if I have an awful week, just please make sure your daddy is ok.

I really miss you.

8 months and sadness.

Hi baby boy. You should be 8 months today. I hate this so much. Im starting to melt down right now and I hate the way I feel. Its just so empty inside.

I went and got our new dog addition. In all honestly im worried. She is a great dog so far, but im worried I made a bad decision. Even though she is very good, other then chasing the cats. I hope that does not last to long. I hope Beanz stays just as wonderful as he is. I guess its good that there is a dog on each side of me sound asleep. I just wonder if Im doing this to avoid even more of my sadness and emotions. I think this is a decision I wanted to do, but I still worry. Max my mind has been busy today, but now that im settled im starting to fall apart. You are so important to me and I wish I could not feel this way.

ahhhhhhhh Max. I cant even begin to describe the way I feel tonight. Its a night I wish I could be holding you and kissing you . Well thats every night, but my longing for you is pretty intense baby boy.

I hope you can see me, and know how I miss you so much. I need to try not to think and shut my mind off.
Good night baby boy.

Dreading tomorrow.

Hi Max I hate that you tomorrow it will be 8 months since you were born and died.I know I cant control anything but I hate this. I cried a lot yesterday, im sorry I did not write much. I have been super emotional and to be honest the past few days I have not wanted to write at all. I had a mini melt down yesterday and am just so scared that this sibling of yours will die. Its so hard to be happy when I know what can happen. But I will be going to fetal maternal medicine with this baby. Still I have been having a hard time being truly happy (even though I am so grateful and want this baby, just scared) I told your dad my fear of this baby being a boy and I call him your name. I have caught my self about twice calling this baby Max. It just came, like it was natural. But then just like that I knew what I did. I am very aware this baby is not you and never will be. I don't want to call this baby your name by mistake. I hate that I did that. But your daddy reminded me of how many times my own mother calls me one of my siblings names and how his mom called him by his brothers names. I guess it happens, but the only difference is all of them are still alive.

Today was beautiful, I spent a lot of time outside. I still have not personally seen a toad yet. I wonder why. I feel sad, even more so because maybe you feel I no longer need you.

Your dad and I went to the SPCA to look at doggies. I have been wanting another dog, to play with beanz. Your dad has been hesitate, but today we met Zaya and she is so sweet. They played very well together, and it seems perfect. The funny part is now im the one who is worried, and your dad is all for it. WE could not take her home because the cats are not up to date on there rabies shots. I think your dad and I are going to say yes to her. As long as we can get the cats shots done tomorrow. So at least there will be something to keep my mind busy tomorrow. I hope we are making the right decision. Your dad said to me before we met her, if i want to do this and deal with a baby and 2 dogs. I told him I cant live my life like this baby is going to stay alive.

Max my mind has been a mess, I missing you so much. I cant believe I have managed to get to this point with out you.  Im going to need lots of strength tomorrow. I love you sooo much, and I feel empty like I will never be right again. Maybe this baby will stay alive and if it does its going to have its own personal angel.

I love you baby boy.

Mac baby I'm super moody tonight! I'm sure I'm not being the best to be around, but I'm so cranky! I'm really missing you, the reality that you will be gone for 8 months come Monday really sucks. I have been looking at your face and inspecting your perfect Hands and feet. I just feel so lost and empty. I miss you and I don't know if this feeling will ever go away.

I love you.

I love you baby boy, your dad and I talked a lot tonight about you.
I really miss you and so does he.

Good evening baby boy. I'm better today. Better then yesterday! I had a busy day at work, had to have hr meetings with the deputy who refused an order and was let go. It went ok. I went to the gym tonight, I needed to go. I felt productive, which may be why I'm ok right now.
I miss you a whole bunch though, and I feel so lonely with out you.

Frustrated and lonely

Max, tonight has been real hard for me. I don't really want to explain it or even talk about why. I'm just very blah, and emotional. I really miss you. Your daddy shaving a worse night though, he really has been smuggling a lot. I worry so much about him when he gets like this. I hate seeing him sad, and frustrated.

Max my mind is going all places tonight, I can't seem focus. I miss you. I'm sad, frustrated, angry, worried, annoyed a little of everything. I actually feel very alone tonight and my head is going all places. Maybe tomorrow I can explain more, but right now, I. Ging to tell how much I love you and how grateful I am to you.

Good evening baby boy, today was ok I guess. Lots of people showed my road and frogs and that really helped. Thank you do much Max for helping me with your sibling. I feel like you are helping and want this baby to stay alive. I have a really bad headache but I just wanted to thank you and tell you I LOVE YOU!

Hi Max

Max I miss you! I saw a baby today and I was sad, sad because of missing you. Today was long, I had my first official pre-natal appointment for your sibling. I was a nervous mess, of course I cried a lot! Theropod thing is everyone seems to be on the same page, with getting me into maternal fetal medicine. They also are going to see me in 2 weeks instead of the oral 4. That will help my anxiety. I also will be having test done that, I guess as long as they come back normal will also help the anxiety. Max I know you were with me today! The doctor then heard your siblings heart beat fairly fast. I really miss hearing your perfect thump, thump, thump. It was emotionally hard but being there is getting easier very slowly.

Work was good and then we had a softball game. It was fun, I like being outside but I did not do much. I joined before I got pregnant. Seem people know, do I barely play, which is ok with me.

Max I heard your song today. Also I have heard that when people feel wind or cold air in a place were you should boot be feeling it, it's can be a spirt. Well I felt 2 gust of cold siren my living room. All the windows were closed, and I even had to double check the doors! Was it you? Was it someone else I love, all I know is I felt you and I needed that.

Please give your daddy love, he's still having a really hard time. He needs you baby boy.

Happy Easter Max (part one)

Max I'm really missing you, I was not expecting Easter to be so hard. We are home now but we went to to your daddy's moms house. Things were ok, untill she brings out Easter baskets she made for my sisters kids. I know it's a nice thing, but it really hurt me. There was nothing for you, and you should not be forgotten. Especially when you are her first grandchild. There was Jo mention of you, she then made a comment on my nephew being the only little boy! That really hurt.

2 hours later, I'm doing better I cried by your daddy. But then played outside with beanz. But yesterday I bought tulips for around your tree. I planted them and it was real peaceful I'm laying out by it now in the grass. I really wish you were here. I took lots of pictures I can't wait to show you. I took some Easter eggs out of the basket your grandmom made for the other kids to put by your tree so you can have some . You should have easter eggs also. I will show you the pictures. Your tree looks amazing and being out here is peaceful. I can't wait to get a swinging chair, so I can just sit by your tree! I feel like you would be an outside baby, maybe thats why I find peace in being out here. 

I need to prepare for my moms, that's going to be hard. I just really wish you could come to. I love you.

Your Tulips

Your tree and Tulips with the toad bath!

Your peeps, even though my photo is not that great.

Easter eggs

Easter Basket!

Hi my little love. Today has been interesting, I am in a fairly good mood. BUt have been thinking of you a lot. TOmorrow is easter and you should be here with us. I really dont want to go celebrate another holiday with my family. I hate being there now with out you. Everything is so weird now. AS much as im dreading putting on a fake face tomorrow, I have had a good day with your daddy. He surprised me with an amazing gift for you-An easter basket and it meant so much to me. The basket really made me happy. The toad stuffed annimial is even more perfect because he has little feet on his heart. Max baby you are always in my heart.

Max I have been thinking about Laura's mommy and your Grandpop a lot lately. I hope they are with you. I hope they are ok. Could you please tell them to send your daddy and Laura. They both need it.

My belly is starting to show, but i can still hide it. Im not ready to tell my family so I will be hiding it tomorrow. Max baby I am so grateful for this gift. 12 weeks, seems like forever to me and there is even longer to go, but one day at a time. I need to have hope this baby will stay alive.

Tomorrow is your first Easter, I wonder if the Easter Bunny comes to heaven, Laura said her mom is good at hiding eggs. And I know your grand-pop will help you find them.
Good night my little love-I love you.

Hello little boy. Today was ok, your daddy and I just got back from the lacrosse game. They lost but oh we'll! Max I'm cranky right now. I don't know why, I'm just all of a sudden in a funk. At the game they were making ballon animals and someone had a frog. I really wanted one, I wanted on for you. But when we went to look, they were all done :(

Baby boy I have to go to bed, I have an all day training tomorrow. I really don't want to, but I have to. So goodnight little love

Softball and social stress

Hello little boy. I know it's late and I'm sorry, but I did not forget about you. Today was challenging. I'm on the softball team for work because your daddy thinks its good for me to do something outside of the house. We had a practice today and it was hard, I just don't fit in anywhere, anymore. It's not that I don't care about people or there problems, it's far from that. It's just what others think is a problem, is far from a problem.But I guess to them it is. Which makes me uncomfortable and anxious and I think of you constantly. But this is why I can no longer seem to function with people. I want to smack them, I no longer have the patience I used to. Unless there child died, I don't care. I guess that's rude, I do care. It's just hard right now for me to listen or give advice. But anyway only 2 people know I'm pregnant with your sibling. One being our team organizer so I stayed in left field ( hardly anything goes to left) every time I hit a ball, someone caught it so I barely had to run. But I'm mentally tired

Max I love you, so very much. Today was challenging but good. Tomorrow your dad and I go to our last regular season lacrosse game. You will be with me. Around my neck and in my heart. I hope you enjoyed your first season, even if it was from heaven.

Good night my love.

Hello baby boy. My mood had less tears today, but a lot of ups and downs. I had to install 3 car seats after work, that is always really hard for me. I just fear any questions about babies, or when they want to know if I have any kids. I can't say no because I can't handle the guilt of saying I never had you, but then I don't want to make them uncomfortable and fear giving birth( even though maybe they should) . You dad says I should just say no because people are not asking if I HAD an babies, just if I have and since I don't have you in the physical sense I would not be lying. I understand what he is trying to do, but it won't work for me. It just leaves my head all confused. Luckily I did not have to face those questions, they were all infant seats but I got lucky, only the dads came, so I did not have to see really pregnant women. Even so the whole thing still messes with and it's such an emotional struggle to do car seats. But I tell my self it's just my job, and I do my best to separate and fake it through.

I love you baby boy, your daddy is having a rough/sad night. Can you please watch over him

Hello baby boy. Today was better.even though I did have a small crying moment. Another supervisor asked me if because of the light duty uniform I was wearing did it mean what he thinks it means. I sad yes. He said congratulations, but I stopped him and said no congratulations until this baby is home. I said I'm not telling anyone because my head can't handle it, but I don't care that people know. He said he understands. No I don't think he does, but that's ok. Still he was understanding. But as soon as he left I was by myself and I started to cry. I hate feeling so weak at work. But I could not stop it. Thankfully I was alone for a little while and pulled myself together. It's just hard sometimes.

Max today was better, but I'm really missing you. I was doing ok, but this week has been really hard. There was a few times I wanted to talk about you, when I was pregnant with you. But I stopped, those around me would not understand or I think be able to handle my need to just talk about you.

I am tired tonight and very emotional, but ok
I love you.

Hello little baby boy, today/tonight is better then it was last night. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. The pain from missing you was real intense last night. I think other then seeing the post someone did about being pregnant and it really being an april fools joke, then watching that stupid show were the girl had a c-section and they put her baby next to her, just triggered so much sadness in me. In that moment for me it was the last time I saw you alive. Im just so grateful I got to kiss your perfect warm check. But I could not get that out of my head, I wish in that moment I said good bye to you. I wish I told you I loved you, while you were still alive.

I think also I had a lot of anxiety about not being in uniform. One person asked another supervisor if I "was with child" another one asked me why, I was not in uniform and I ignored them, and another one asked me if im back on light duty for a while. Again I was avoident and chnaged the subeject, but I think he knows the answer. But yes, im pretty sure I had a lot of anxiety in preparation for today. Why is it so hard to admit im pregnant to others-FEAR! FEar of death again. If I could hide it untill I take your sibling home. I would. I dont plan on telling my family untill i can t hide it anymore. I know thats not nice of me, but its my life, and my anxiety. For right now I need it to be this way. If it were not for the uniform, work would not know for a lot longer either.

Im so glad im not breaking down like I did last night. Max I could not breath, it hurt so bad. Im sad though, but im ok. I love you. I love everything about you and everything you have given to me.

Little triggers

Max I was doing really well tonight but all of a sudden, some things really triggered me. All I can say right now is I'm so grateful I got to kiss your check and see your perfect face alive. I will never forget that kiss.

Thinking of you and missing you a lot right now.

I love you.

Just wanted to tell you I went to say goodnight to your daddy and feel apart. I started crying and crying. He was so good to me, I just couldn't help how much I miss you. I Actually have not cried this hard in a while actually! And I then went in your room and cried and cried again. I'm emotionally and mentally tired. I looked at your things from the hospital, I smelled your hair and touched your ashes, and then sat in the rocking chair and held your bear and just cried and cried. It's been a while since I cried this hysterically. I then talked to you, cried some more then got my self together.

Good night beautiful baby boy.