Happy to end a very hard weekend.

Max its Sunday night and Im so glad this weekend is over. This weekend has been very hard and very emotional. Im glad its over. (almost).
I dont think I can begin to explain why things were the way they were this weekend. But I struggled a lot.  Today was Breonnas birthday, we had to go over to my moms. We were only there for an hour, because your daddy had to get home for work. Normally I hate that he has to work Sundays but it was perfect today. Just being there an hour was more then enough for me. I was ready to go, my nerves were shot. I felt like I was being mean to everyone around me (except the kids)
However I am a bit confused. I have not seen a toad at all yet this year and it has been depressing me. I have put so much into thinking that those toads have something to do with you. I thought it was your way of being with me, showing me your here with me. But I have also been selfish about keeping you to my self. Well all the kids were in my moms back yard and one of them saw a toad. your daddy was telling me to go get it, but I did not want to show any kind of excitement. Then my mom made this comment like of wow, how neat this Toad came out now. Why can I not handle emotion from anyone. What is my problem. But then I dont want you to be forgotten by anyone. How can I figure this out.
your dad is right Im really not doing well at all. But why cant pretending be good enough.
I went to a prenatal yoga class today with a friend and I wanted to laugh the whole time, I was very uncomfortable. My friend started to cry at the end because she is really is missing her mom. But I shut down and became funny almost, make jokes, dont care. I am the great pretender. But with all my emotions when I was alone in the car I started to cry. All I could think about was you today. I know im falling apart, and it seems faster then normal. Or harder to keep myself together on the inside.

Max I really wish I could run away, I wish I could run away to you. I love you.