Max today started off ok, then it went down hill, now im just very sad. Your daddy and I went to the store to buy one of your cousins a birthday present and the time at the store went really well.We get home and I make a comment about being so unorganized (me) and your daddy turned the conversation into me not being able to be around family and friends anymore. One thing lead to another and basically we both up ended up becoming very emotional. I had a BIG break down. Your daddy is concerned because I'm really good at pretending but also pushing people away at the same time. He is worried that I avoiding way to much and most of all is sad because I'm so sad. He told me it really hurts him that as much as people may think I'm hurting that it really is so much worse then any one knows. He is worried that I am so good at pretending, that Im getting worse and worse on the inside privately and alone. No body can help. Well he maybe right-he is right. We talked about how we both miss you so much and a little bit of my anger towards family, how I'm contradicting because I want people to remember Max but I don't want to have to address feelings at all. We talked about me and my never asking for help and pushing people away even more. Im having lots of anxiety and extra sadness. I am so happy for this baby but I fear that someone will take that happiness and have it erase from my sadness. It makes sense in my head.
We talked about your daddy, his sadness and how he really misses you and his dad a lot.
I love your dad and he is amazing to me.
Max I'm very tired, very emotional and cranky. Im having a very hard time writing tonight, I keep crying and I can't focus. But I love you so very much, and I miss you.
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