Hello little baby boy, today/tonight is better then it was last night. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. The pain from missing you was real intense last night. I think other then seeing the post someone did about being pregnant and it really being an april fools joke, then watching that stupid show were the girl had a c-section and they put her baby next to her, just triggered so much sadness in me. In that moment for me it was the last time I saw you alive. Im just so grateful I got to kiss your perfect warm check. But I could not get that out of my head, I wish in that moment I said good bye to you. I wish I told you I loved you, while you were still alive.

I think also I had a lot of anxiety about not being in uniform. One person asked another supervisor if I "was with child" another one asked me why, I was not in uniform and I ignored them, and another one asked me if im back on light duty for a while. Again I was avoident and chnaged the subeject, but I think he knows the answer. But yes, im pretty sure I had a lot of anxiety in preparation for today. Why is it so hard to admit im pregnant to others-FEAR! FEar of death again. If I could hide it untill I take your sibling home. I would. I dont plan on telling my family untill i can t hide it anymore. I know thats not nice of me, but its my life, and my anxiety. For right now I need it to be this way. If it were not for the uniform, work would not know for a lot longer either.

Im so glad im not breaking down like I did last night. Max I could not breath, it hurt so bad. Im sad though, but im ok. I love you. I love everything about you and everything you have given to me.