Dreading tomorrow.

Hi Max I hate that you tomorrow it will be 8 months since you were born and died.I know I cant control anything but I hate this. I cried a lot yesterday, im sorry I did not write much. I have been super emotional and to be honest the past few days I have not wanted to write at all. I had a mini melt down yesterday and am just so scared that this sibling of yours will die. Its so hard to be happy when I know what can happen. But I will be going to fetal maternal medicine with this baby. Still I have been having a hard time being truly happy (even though I am so grateful and want this baby, just scared) I told your dad my fear of this baby being a boy and I call him your name. I have caught my self about twice calling this baby Max. It just came, like it was natural. But then just like that I knew what I did. I am very aware this baby is not you and never will be. I don't want to call this baby your name by mistake. I hate that I did that. But your daddy reminded me of how many times my own mother calls me one of my siblings names and how his mom called him by his brothers names. I guess it happens, but the only difference is all of them are still alive.

Today was beautiful, I spent a lot of time outside. I still have not personally seen a toad yet. I wonder why. I feel sad, even more so because maybe you feel I no longer need you.

Your dad and I went to the SPCA to look at doggies. I have been wanting another dog, to play with beanz. Your dad has been hesitate, but today we met Zaya and she is so sweet. They played very well together, and it seems perfect. The funny part is now im the one who is worried, and your dad is all for it. WE could not take her home because the cats are not up to date on there rabies shots. I think your dad and I are going to say yes to her. As long as we can get the cats shots done tomorrow. So at least there will be something to keep my mind busy tomorrow. I hope we are making the right decision. Your dad said to me before we met her, if i want to do this and deal with a baby and 2 dogs. I told him I cant live my life like this baby is going to stay alive.

Max my mind has been a mess, I missing you so much. I cant believe I have managed to get to this point with out you.  Im going to need lots of strength tomorrow. I love you sooo much, and I feel empty like I will never be right again. Maybe this baby will stay alive and if it does its going to have its own personal angel.

I love you baby boy.