Anxious

Hi Max baby, we had to bring zaya back as great as she was there is no way she would ever be able to safely live with the cats. Your dad and I feel really bad but we both know it is for the better. But one of the things that frustrates me a little is people say you picked this dog out for us. Well no you did not, your dead. Dead people don't pick out animals. But with the same concept I feel you have a say in this sibling. So it goes both ways I guess. But I don't think people should say you have a say in everything I do. I know it's peoples way of trying to connect you to me. But I'm all ready connected and saying those things is not making me miss you any less or make me feel better. I don't know if I will ever feel better.

I thought today as I looked at this beautiful pink dog wood tree that looked dead as dead could be but it's blooming and beautiful, made me think how come you can't come back. How come your not just hibernating. I want you to bloom and come back alive. I know that's not possible but I want you to.

Max one of the supervisors talked about me being pregnant out loud when a handful of people where around. It really bothered me, I know people will eventually figure it out. But I wish I could keep this our secret. I think I have to tell him not to open his mouth again. My family still does not know and he thinks my one sister is hot. So I need to make sure he stops talking.

Max baby I love you, your daddy wants us to go out with a friend and his fiancé Saturday. Just hearing that my anxiety is all ready intense. I can't handle that. Why can't I. Why can't I deal with these social gatherings any more. Why can't he go with out me and I stay home. As lonely as I feel I realize I will never be able to relate to anyone in my normal life anymore. I can't have conversations with people. I can't tolerate stupid things, even though I really try. I can't keep my mouth shut,if my opinion is asked. I don't care about anything other then you most says. People will never understand unless there baby dies. (which would be awful) I feel like I no longer have friends. I would not want to be my friend. All I know is I miss you. I randomly started crying again today on
My way home. I heard a song for the first time. I can't tell you the lyrics, but the feel of it got to me.

Well baby boy I love you and good night.