Still sad...very sad

Baby boy I finally found a place that specializes in being pregnant after a death of a baby. They deal with all kinds of pregnancy issues as well. Its what they do and they are the only place like that in the general area. I finally got up the courage to call them and my insurance is not in network, everything would have to be out of pocket. I have been so emotional and could not contain myself. I have excellent insurance, and I actually call a place after my weekend of emotions I knew I had to and now I feel even worse. I was ok with actually finding a place thats not generic and now im back at square one. I feel so broken baby. I have been so emotional. I was talking to Case-face and I was telling her its ok that she feels sad and depressed, she is going though so much with this stupid cancer. Sad because she had cyber knife treatment today. She has every right to be sad and depressed. I know in my rational thinking that so do I, but in my irrational side I dont feel I have that right. I should be able to keep it together and try to be happy. Baby boy im really missing you, im having a hard time. Each day though I go to work and function, thats good enough right?

Later in the night........
Max I cant seem to stop crying tonight, everything is getting to me. Your dad is working away and im all alone. He came up to take a break and sat with me. I started crying more, him looking at me. I love him but i know im hurting him. I just cant help being sad tonight. Im still crying. Max baby I miss you so much. I dont want to go to work tomorrow. I want to lay in your room all day. I dont think many people can understand this need to be with you again. I feel like im having the worst migraine ever inside my whole body and heart. Its never going to go away because your missing.  I cant take any sort of sleeping pill or something to shut my brain of, but still im going to try and sleep now.

I love you.