sad

Max baby Im feeling really kind of down today. The hope that I thought I had seems to be drifting away. I dont feel right. That hopefully news I have been talking to you about, im pretty sure is not going to happen. I should be used to it by now, thats my life. Oh well though baby boy. But I feel like such a failure, a failure in everything.

I really just want to cry and go to sleep, but Beanz wont let me.  But thats all I want to do.

Max on another note, your dad is not going to be so happy with me. I decided to get rid of or phone plan (for a costly price) and switch to at&t for the Iphones (for another costly price) I am going to make it his valentines present. But MAx the thing is he is not into it like I am. We just have poor cell service in the house with tmobile. So that will be nice, to be able to use the phone in the house! It will also give him an Ipod/phone in one. I know he will be upset, but maybe I wont tell him how much it cost to cancel the tmobile account! I guess I need something to make my self feel better today.

Max baby, I wish I could do things right. I wish I was not such a mess up. More then anything I wish I could make a baby, and give you a sibling. And if I cant I wish I did not care so much. But I wanted you more then anything, and I want siblings for you. Max baby Im almost positive that im having a miscarriage and that this happened on its own, and I was so excited that maybe it would work. So far its not. I thought the medication I have been taking right from ovulation would help. So far, im not hanging on to much hope. It is what it is, bleeding and cramps, well I have been there before. It only leads to one thing-a miscarriage. But Max like I said with the embryo transfer, if its not going to work I would rather it fail early. Still does not make the disappointment right now easier. But I was not expecting this to work, so I will be ok. I expected the embryo transfer to work and that failed. For some reason I knew trying naturally would be unsuccessful. I go get blood work tomorrow. But what will happen is then will confirm im pregnant, I will go back 48 hours late to retest the levels. Thats when they will tell me that is not good. I have done this before Max. That was the wonderful thing with you, you stayed with me. I thought you were mine!

Oh well enough of my pity, I love you baby boy. Also nothing comes close to the pain of losing you. So im ok with this. BUT I still dont understand whats so wrong with me! Max I want to scream FUCKKKKKKK really loud, and then cry. I feel so alone and that no one understands and that no one attempts to be around me, I feel like no one really cares much, other then your dad. I know im the problem, but I guess when your feeling so sad, then something happens and you feel sadder, well it plan sucks and the hopeless/sinking feeling plan sucks. Max all of this would be ok if you were here with me. Instead I have this stupid bear with your ashes.