Better today!

Hi baby boy. Im so sorry I have been so emotional lately. Im just a mess I guess. BUT im feeling better today. Yesterday I felt so low. The kind of low where I just want to give up. I guess I kind of did give up yesterday. I was asleep by 815, because I did not want to be awake anymore. I hate the despair that I feel some days. I know its not healthy, but it takes over me. Yesterday all around was very hard. I wonder if even though you dead, you can get mad at me. If so you have ever right to. I had a good talk with your dad today. I need to try and not be negative, at the same time its also hard to be positive.  I have been missing you a lot and this process is making it even harder. ( even though I did not know that was possible) We had a good visit at the doctors today. I have very little hope that it will continue and things will work out. But I have every reason to think that way. My history does not give me any hope, to think otherwise. Even after birth. BUT today is good so I will rest with that. I need to except things will be how they are and I have no control over any of it. This is all out of my hands. If I had any say in this, I would have lots of babies, and most importantly you! I need to do my best to let go of all this anxiety and take everything a day at a time. I need to breath, stop stressing and remind myself that I have no control, even If I do everything right on my part.

I cried on and off today, but i feel better. A college friend who lives in another state sent me a picture of a toad. That brightened up my day. Its amazing how those little things make me think of you and bring such peace. Also i went and looked at your tree, It looks like it survived the winter, i see little buds growing on the little tree. I cant wait to watch it bloom! Im going to put some of the Toad things I have in the house by it. One of the toad houses will be perfect there. Also come spring I may plant flowers around the tree.

Talking to you on the way home today I felt calm.
I really miss you and seem to be having a hard time with it. Some days, weeks, months seem harder then others. Today is 28 weeks and its been hard.

The great thing about today was, at the doctors I was called in and I was looking at my phone ( looking at you! ) She said to me "Is that Max" I said yes, she took my phone out of my hand and looked at you. It made me feel so good. Im crying now just writing this. I loved not only being able to share you, but that someone wanted to see you! She did not just glance and make a comment. She took my phone and just stared at you. It made me so proud of you, and Im crying right now, because I love you. I love everything about you!