I broke my promise

Max I'm not doing well at all today. I feel like a huge failure in life and to you. I know I need to wait till tomorrow, before I give in completely, but I can't pretend it's not happening. I took more test today and they are not as dark as one I took 3 days ok. Oh and I took 3 today just in case. I just don't understand what's so wrong with me. If I can't have you why can't I have a sibling for you. I'm feeling really sad and really low. I don't know why I do this to my self. Guess I need hope, but I don't know why. All hope does is punch me in the face over and over. Max I had so much everything with you, then it was all gone. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. It's so hard to get through each day. I hate being at work. I really wish I could quit and stay home for a while. I know that's not good, but I just really don't want to be there, anywhere really. Never in my life did I ever want to have a husband with lots of money where I did not have to work and just stay home, until now.

Also Max I'm really sorry,but I broke my promise. As soon as I did it, I got this rush, that went to my head and legs. I knew I was going to do it, I planned the meal even. I have not done it since I was early pregnant with you. I decided I was never doing it again, because you were to important. But now I don't see the point. You still died, did not get any healthier, still can't keep a pregnancy or have a normal period. So screw it. Almost 15 months of not throwing up. I thought I was going to keep this promise to you. But there is no point. When I feel so incredibly low I might as well do the one thing that makes me feel ok for even just a little while. Don't hate me for breaking this promise to you. I never thought I would be able to keep it forever anyway. Still 15 months is a long time and I owe that to you. But also maybe there is not point in ever promising and acting like it meant something because it seems like a lot of times nothing ever means anything. So if i want to puke I will. im sure soon i will feel overwhelmingly guilty and be really upset with myself, but right now I don't care. All I know is I really miss you. Just writing that last sentence is making me hysterically cry again. I will never stop missing you, and that's ok but I don't know if I will ever be ok! Why do I keep failing why cant I have a sibling for you.

I want to go to sleep. Wake up and pretend today never existed, wake up and pretend I have a new life OR even better wake up and you be here. I know that's unrealistic, and I just need to deal with all this. I will go to sleep pull myself together, pretend my way through tomorrow and be ok.
I'm back to hysterically crying, the kind where it hurts and your head throbs, you have the hyperventilating effect and you feel on the bottom of all bottoms. I don't know if I can do this forever.I'm broken today and I broke my promise I'm happy for people that can be pregnant,and keep there baby's, I just don't understand why I can't.
Enough pity party for me Max