Max! Today I was so tired and I was asleep by like 815 yesterday! But I woke up several times through out the night. I did not drink any coffee, sometimes if
Just have like half a cup or even decaf, it's good enough. I think it might all be in my head. I just need to smell it. But I got to work all day up in juvenile court, my favorite. But today I was thinking a lot about you while working. Most of the juvenile probation officers no, and I get the " how are you dong" which is super nice but it just makes me sad. Then I sit there and listen to what some of these kids have done and wonder what you would be like. There are kids with great parents who just do bad things. I would like to think you would always be perfect but i will never know who you would become. I can honestly say you were perfect.

Max I cried a lot on my way home. You were on my mind a lot. But the thing is what helped was you continue to amaze me even after death. You have changed my life in so many ways. You have made me such a better person. I'm healthier (even though I'm a lot... lot fatter!) I view life differently and I appreciate everything. But Max baby you also have changed other peoples lives. Today I was reminded again how amazing you are and even when I'm feeling low your there. I never know how it's coming, but your right here with me.

Max soon maybe I will be better at sharing you. I want to do so many things in your name, I just can't seem to do it yet. Dont know what my problem is Also every idea I have I don't feel like it will ever be good enough for you. I just no somehow I need to pa back to other baby's what joy you have brought to me. Someday I will be able to and figure it out. I'm hoping for your birthday I will have something amazing.

Max also some people ask how I do it, or say oh your so strong. No actually I'm not at all. I'm quite a mess and most days I feel like I'm falling apart, all I can do is go to work and home. I hate going out and being around normal everyday people. I feel like I don't fit in with my friends and I can't be near my family. BUT Max I do it because of you. You are worth to much for me to fall apart. Im not going to kill my self because I'm sad about losing you. I need to function because you are worth it. I tell my self that all the time. I live for you because you did not have the opportunity. I have it. I'm doing my best Max baby to live for you.

Max on a side note' I hope you are ok. I hope your happy and I wish you knew the impact you have had on me and lots of others. Just know baby you are my one and only.

I'm real emotional tonight, your poor daddy. It has nothing to do with my hormones either. I just have a lot going through my tiny mind and I'm missing you a lot.

Love you.