Max I have a lot going on, and im a pretty big mess! one minute im fine, the next im happy (even though im trying not to be) then im feeling so guilty, then hopeless, then I feel like im never going to get through this. THEN I feel like I have done something so wrong. THEN i get a wave of happiness and excitement, but I dont want it. I feel like its false, like it will only lead me to disappointment.
Your dad has been very supportive with all of this and he understands my stress. I wish I could fall asleep and then wake up 10 months later where everything is ok and you have a sibling.
A friend told me 6 months is a good time, that maybe thats what you decided. And that maybe the embryo transfer failed because you are picking your siblings. Did you pick this one. Just if its not going to work, let it be easy. Max my active mind starts to create stories and im convinced that if this works out and everything stays, I think its a girl and that you chose that. I dont know if I would ever want another boy. Maybe eventually, but I kind of what you to be the only boy. But then I need to check my self and stop daydreaming. Day dreaming gets me in trouble, you died and I daydreamed the whole time. Imaging what life would be like with you. Day dreaming and planing are no good to me. SO i need to be careful with my dreams. Just like I take it a day at a time with my .
Im a paranoid mess, now I have to get to monday.
Your daddy and I actually made dinner, and a healthy one. We had a decent day, I was outside a lot to day with beanz. He needed to exercise. I also saw your name a lot. I love seeing Max written.
But this morning was real hard, because your daddy and I went to a spin class at the gym and the instructor talked about his daughter giving birth soon. How he was excited to be a grandfather. I wanted him to stop talking I did not want to hear about it. Then of course someone asked if it was a boy or a girl. In my head I was like please dont so boy. BUT of course its a boy. I became so sad and dejected. I could not help but to be so sad for us, then he was so excited and I wanted to tell him to not be excited. Because you have no idea what can happen. That baby they are so excited for can die just like that. I wanted to yell and say, stop bragging stop talking because just like that it can all be gone. But who am I to take someone's joy away. I just get worried about people and there babies, what can be joy, can be taken away just like that.
WRite now your daddy is watching motocross on TV and im watching/listening to the Philadelphia WINGS on the computer, because its an away game.
Im in a mood. But oh well. I am ok just worried and sad and well everything!
I released AGAIN today How much I miss you. It made me so sad when the guy at the gym was talking about his pregnant daughter. I think no matter how many other children I hopefully can have I will always miss you SO much.
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