Max baby, today I am doing ok. I need to learn to be. With having better days. Sometimes I feel so guilty when I have them. Like I'm doing something wrong. Like because you are not here I should not be happy. max the long weekend was decent, I saw some good people including case face who I have not seen since my baby shower. She is bald now, but I think she looks amazing bald and don't want her to go any where for a long while. Max I gave your NICU nurse the hand and feet molds I got for the hospital. I have had them sitting here long enough, I just could not get to do it. I wanted to donate some things to other baby's, but I could not get my self to go through your things, all I could do was give up a big box of diapers. I should give more, but I'm not ready yet. In time I will be able to give more of your things away. Max it was really good to just sit with Casey, I feel like I did not have to pretend, because we both have something huge happening ( different, but huge) as strange as it is I feel like I can just be, because I don't have to be anything, but there. I also realize I need to respond to an email and let someone know how I feel. My social awkwardness now is really hard. I feel like I don't belong any where and cant relate. I'm different. I also don't want to be the center of things, so must days I wish I could disappear. I know I should go to a friends party, but at the same time I don't know if I can tolerate putting up a front and deal with happy people. I love these people, I just don't know if I will ever be able to be normal again.Max I also got some decent news, so far things are still going well. Even though I'm paranoid beyond belief and I am an emotional mess. One day at a time. I also I'm not excited, because when ever I get excited about something good in my life it goes away. You being the biggest. Even with my neurotic self, the weekend and today was pretty decent.The greatest part is a song that a friend sent me. Granted it may be about doing drugs, but if you just skip that little part it's amazing and it made me so happy!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX44kurxR1I&feature=youtube_gdata_player
you want to play with me?we can be a whole group of friends a whole group of frogs jumping into the streets jumping into the planet climbing up the buildings swimming in the lakes and in the bathtubs we would be hundreds, thousands, millions the biggest group of friends the world has ever seen jumping and laughing forever it would be great, right?
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