Ugh

Hi baby today has been hard. Tomorrow is 6 months since you diedand it seems to be getting to me, there is a bunch of things. The first being my crazy anxiety and stress with the current situation. I wish I knew what was happening. I'm still having bleeding and I'm worried, the bleeding seems to be more and more. Even though I know until the next blood test I won't know, I'm worried so worried Max, I feel like I need to give you this. I need this, I need something to go right. I need a reason to live.

The next thing that gets to me is people! I know I'm different and view things differently now, I just wish people would get over themselves. I want to be like you life is not bad. So what if these things happened to you get over it! There are lots of things I'm dealing with and have dealt with, because I have to!!!! Stupid attention seeking pity me I wish someone knew this pain I have, and then went back to there stupid problems. I would love to have those stupid problems. I think this is why my isolation is increasing, I can't really stand people any more. Then I think about people who have it worse then me, and it reminds me of my self. But I am not needy, I don't Talk to anyone abut this, I don't complain, I don't reach out, or seek attention, or whatever. I just write and then function, then write then function over and over.

Ok there is the cramps and bleeding, but what is bothering me is I finally got your birth certificate, Max I was so happy. Here it is, my proof that you are real. You were born alive and that's acknowledged. BUT then I saw that deceased is through the middle. My heart dropped. Max I know your dead, I don't need your BIRTH certificate to say it also. The one thing I would have to you being alive! Im so bothered about it.

I had the support group tonight, Max I love being able to talk about you, in a place where it's ok. Where I feel normal, where it's ok if I cry.

Max I'm so tired