Hi baby, I have been freaking out a lot lately. I wish I knew if this was going to work. i hope that spider was not some weird bad sign. I feel like its not going to happen anymore. I dont feel like there is life inside of me. I dont feel anything like I did with you. Im so afarid that the sibling I want so baddly to give you has gone away also. I dont know how Im going to calm my anxiety untill Thursday. I wish I did not have to wait untill then to find out if its still there or not. I just need to get to thrursday. Then I know after thursday it will be the next event that freaks me out. Even so I think its over. Im trying to think positive. But baby its just so hard. I dont have anything confiming that I still am, I want to be throwing up over morning sickness, I want to be falling asleep at work, I want sore boobs. I dont want random streaks of blood. I know with you it was real easy and I had none of that. But with you I had hope. Im sure all this silly anxiety is no good, by my mind races and races. I told you dad I want my own ultra sound machine at home. He just looked and laughed at me. I really hope you want this sibling as much as I do, and I hope you have some say in wether or not I get to keep them.
Max baby Im very blahh and sad today. I dont know what my problem is lately. I just want to go home lay on the couch and cry. But I guess everythign good by so much worse. I need to remind my self how lucky i astill am in life even though I dont have you, the one thing I wanted more then anything.
When I really miss you, everything else in my life seems so much wrose. Green makes me think of you and I got a new water bottle for a work. Its the color green thats as close as I can get to your birthstone. I was never a green fan, but now its my favorite color. I see this certain shade of green and I think of you.
Thanks for listening. I hate when I have these mental break downs at work. Of course no one ever knows about them but you.
I love you.
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