Thinking of love.....affection and how grateful I am instead of being so miserable!

Max baby I do my best not to put names in here, but I feel as though maybe this time I should. Im in a shitty mood, so this is my thank you to those who never seem to care, or make my darkness a little better. This list is just right now, there are so many more who should be on it. Max these are some of many who changed/affected my life in good ways. Most people wont read this or even know it is here. I dont think I would ever say it to someone's face because Im not good at being sentimental unless its written. Spoken affection is not my strength!
If someone feels as though they should be on this list, they should. I could go all night really. But here is a top ten for this very moment in my current mood. This list is not in any order.

1.Shanie-the love of my life. The one person who excepts me for all my flaws. My best friend. I would not survive this life with out you.

2.NCIU nurse- You have no idea I write about you. You have no idea about this blog, but your an earth angel to me. Your my last living connection to Max. True kindness of people has always impacted me, there is nothing you can gain from meeting with me. You were Max's nurse, you have no obligation to me after I left the hospital. You could stop talking to me tomorrow and I will still be forever grateful to you. I wish you knew how much your kindness and support mean to me. I hope I am not a burden.

3. Dal. Even with your stuff going on your read my rants to Max. You care enough to read how im doing. Maybe its because you know I wont actually speak to you (I mean how I feel, not, not talk to you) . I appreciate that you comment when I write to Max. It shows that not only do you care enough to read, but you also cared about my baby. I dont know if I told you, but way before Max died. The middle of the pregnancy Shane and I decided you were going to be the godmother. I love you and think your a wonderful friend, even when I dont act like one. Please dont ever bring this up again! You do not need to repeat my act of affection towards you. I will deny it. Even though I love you I still think Harry potter sucks, and I will never get into it.

4. Abbey-I think im lucky and have lots of friends. But people slowly drift away because they dont know what to say or how to act. When I say this I dont mean to be rude to other people, but things are different.  No one wants to be friends with the sad girl whose baby died. You are one of very few that seem to know, that now more then ever I need a friend. You always no what to say , and even when to say it. Just your random "thinking of you" has an impact. Your strength is amazing. On my way home today from work in my crying spell, I thought about that walk we went on in Washington DC when I was a freshman. There was so much hate all around us, but there was also love. There was more love then hate. I will never forget that and all that sadness I felt for everyone having to deal with that hate, and how love shined through all that hate and anger. Well your a symbol of that love and it shines off you. Years after college people go there own ways, work on there lives.  Your friendship means so much. Shane says your a calming soul. your one of those people who can make things ok just by being, even when they feel like they never will be. ( dont go and get a big head over this)

5. Laura- we have been out of touch for years. I dont have the fondest memories of HS, but I have memories of having fun with you growing up.  We have different situations, but there is the understanding that life does not always go as planned. The love you have expressed towards Max and being willing to share your precious mom with him, means more then you know.

6. Case-face- your strength is amazing. I try my best to be positive and so do you. Some days thats the last thing you want to feel, and the emotions take over. Cancer is a cruel bitch, but if anyone is going to put up a fight its going to be you. Your personality has always been contagious, your one of those people that everyone wants to be near. You are amazing. Oh and I will never forget how you saved me from embarrassment that one night in college! But because of that popcorn is how I meet my Beaver people. Also thank you for sharing your friend with me who can also relate to my situation

7. To the  handful People I have met who have also sadly lost there babies. Most people will never know about this, but i am grateful that you think of my Max while grieving your babies. For sending me pictures of toads/frogs. For allowing positivity and hope. For making me feel normal, and not alone. For an understanding that no one else can understand.
Also towards the support group leader, if you did not run the support group  I would not be able to go. For calling me back, after I gathered the courage to call the info line. For caring.

8. Melissa for your love of dogs, your humor and calling me "boo". Strangely thats the reason I decided to use my miserable mood, of anger, sadness, and guilt and put it towards something good. Im grateful for your wonderful humor.  Im so glad you care so much about all them animals, they need people like you.

9. Beanz, you are the best dog friend any human could have.

10. Max-for everything, for being my baby, for being the love of my life. For changing me-for the better.
For showing me love. For EVERYTHING.

Yes there are so many more people that im so grateful for. Just because I did not write about you right now, does not mean I am not appreciative.

Max Im still in a real crappy mood, but I feel ok. We are going to lay on the couch and do nothing. (just how I like it) Your dad is going to pick up food, and we are just going to be tonight. Well baby the crying has stopped for now. So I will run with it. I love you SO much and I will write to you tomorrow.

I love you so much and hate that I have to figure this world out with out you.

bad day...

well baby boy, I made it home but still feeling really low. When I got to my car I started to cry, balling really. The whole way home was like that. I feel so apathetic, just lifeless really. I just am missing you so much. I dont know how I was able to keep it together today.   I felt like I barely did. I felt like if anyone spoke to me I was going to break. Max im still having a hard time keeping it together. Why am I like this. why cant I be ok. I need to find some strength. I need to get it together. But how do I find strength and how do I get it together. 

Missing you SO much right now.....trying to finish the day.

Just wanted to tell you Im having a really hard time right now missing you my little love. Its a good thing not many people can see me. I feel like any minute the massive tears will fall. Right  now I can wipe them away as they come. Nothing triggerd this it just is how it is.Only have to make it 20 more minutes of keeping it together...By the way I love your little face

Morning day 59.

Good morning little love. I sleep some last night, but I had to take a sleeping pill. I have this awful pain in my side that I hope is not from the test yesterday. Its sore to the touch and achy. Ohhh well. Max Im going to try to be positive today. Im going to try and be ok. I think yesterday was a huge decision in blurting out that I was going to skip this month and stay on birth control. I still wonder if its the right thing, but I said it so its done. I must have said it for a reason. So it will be . This month and next birth control. Max I have almost every quote from the labryinth stuck in my head. Thats my favorite movie and I think you would have loved it! (one of 2 little boy, but the other one "The Crow" you would not have been able to watch untill you were older) 
Well baby I think its going to be a day where I stare at the computer screen, but at least I can put music on.
I love you so much baby boy

Goodnight all you moon light ladies... and rockabye sweet baby Max.

Max im tired, your dads still frustrated. I found out he was asked two times today about if we had you. It effects him a lot more then he admits it I think. Plus with the stres of everything else in his life. Max Baby I had that test , and im crampy now, but nothing to painful. They said the insides look good. But afterwards when I was talking with the nurse about the next steps I had a melt down. I hate how all of a sudden I could not stop crying. Long story short I decided to skip october, I may even skip November. Even though I want to move fast because I feel like my time is running out. The only reason I would skip November is because of you.Thats the month my little love that they put you in me. November 19 was the day you were transfered into me. Here I go crying again, just thinking about it. So maybe we will do all the pills and preperation in november so that they can put your sibling in me in December. Max baby Im having a hard night, I cant stop crying right now. I dont know what made me decide I was skipping this month, when I had been so set on doing it right now. But something just came out of me and I told her to stay on the pill the whole month. Im to emotional right now, and Im afraid I will screw everything up. November is your month when you were created, so december it will be. Max Im going to go lay down, everything is drained out of me. I feel like im falling backwards, into a big black hole that does not seem to have a bottem. Im going to go lay down before things get worse. Max I love you, please be ok that I want to try again. And if I need gods permision, or if I should stop trying how am I going to know. Is this my destiny? Im just being selfish and a glunten for wanting......
Max my soul is tired tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Please know I love you, and need you. I miss that little mouth of yours and those perfect hands.

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway

A song that they sing when they take to the sea

A song that they sing of their home in the sky

Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep

But singing works just fine for me

So, Goodnight you moonlight ladies

Rockabye sweet baby James (Max)

Deep greens and blues are the colours I choose

Won't you let me go down in my dreams

And rockabye sweet baby James (Max)
(James Taylor)

lots to ramble about today my love, sorry if I talked your ear off. (Day 58)

Hi my little love. Last night was hard when I went home. But I guess that’s how it is going to be some nights. I worry about your dad. He was still awake when I got up get ready for work. He has to go into work for a meeting this morning. He needs sleep more then I do.

Max this morning was awful. I got out of the shower and my boobs were leaking. It’s been a few weeks since anything came out of them. Why am I still making milk and why did it have to come out this morning.

Max I don’t want to be here today. I want to be home in bed, or with Shane to make sure he is ok. He has to go and do blood work at RSI then go to the meeting. I worry the lack of sleep is going to make him even more stressed tonight at work. I don’t want to be sitting at this desk staring at the computer screen watching people go by.

Max I had a really good time with your nurse if that is possible. Max she is a really good person. I feel like I don’t deserve to have good people in my life. I feel undeserving of a lot. She told me the story of how she adopted her baby. It’s an amazing story. But she also told how one Sunday she went to church the sermon was about giving up to gods will. So that evening she said to god, that if she was not meant to have anymore children then to stop having her want them. It was the next day or so that she was working, and a girl came into the Er not knowing she was pregnant. One thing lead to another and your nurse ended up adopting the baby. She even cut the cord. The baby even looks like she could have been biologically there’s. Everything worked out in ways that most people would not believe. As amazing as I think this story is I don’t believe in gods will. It does not work that way for me. I believe things are going to happen whether I want them to or not. I don’t have a problem with religion. I believe it. I just don’t understand this "god will" or that "he has a plan for me" F-that. I know there is something greater then me. I have a great life. I have so much to be thankful for. But there is this void, that this all powerful god can’t fix. Maybe im just hard headed and that’s my problem. I believe in god/gods, religion but then why am I so angry. Why do I need to go to church? Why can’t I pray on my own, and talk to you. If you are with god now, can I pray to you and you let him no. Why does it have to be a "he" or one thing? Why is god not the tree in my back yard, the big giant sky, the ocean, and the toads I see? What if god is a spider? What if he is on of the spiders I tried to kill? What if he is in everything? Is he the music I hear, is he the rock on the side of the street. Why........Why do I have SUCH a need to challenge everything? Is this my problem, I have always challenged and questioned.

I went off on a tangent, but I meant to say her story is amazing and left me yesterday with hope that things don’t have to be like this.

Max I feel ok when I talk to her, its weird yesterday was only the third time I ever met with this lady but I feel so connected to her. Is she your way of letting me know your ok?

Max I want to give you a sibling so much. Is that wrong of me.

Max im getting sad writing to you today.

I told you I would tell you about the group today. Its was ok. Its so fascinating how group dynamics work. I am either REALLY shy or can take some kind of control. It’s weird. for some reason I felt protective of the one couple. I felt weird that maybe my story of you dying would make them feel bad, because they lost there baby real early. I felt like I had to watch what I said. (Which Max baby sometimes I say things with out the intentions of how they come out) But Max baby anytime you lose a baby or the idea of a baby it’s hard. Miscarriages seem natural to me. Just how it is. The first miscarriage was very hard. That baby would have been 5 this July 4th. That was a hard time, I think that’s part of the reason your dad and I broke up for a while after that. All the ones in between where "here we go again" the one when we had to have the D&E was difficult. But it got to the point where if I miscarried between 0-12 weeks it was ok. It’s not a baby to me. You were my baby. I felt you, heard you, saw you move. You had a sex, and you had a name. I loved you, you were no longer an idea you were a reality. I should have known that my reality was destined to have you die. I should have not expected you to live. I should not have wanted you so badly.

Loss is hard, no matter how you spin it, or how you justify it in your own head.

Max I hate struggling. I hate that im a different person. I hate a lot of things right now. If it’s only been 8 weeks.....then what week can I say it’s been this long so now it’s ok? When is it no longer going to be recent? When is it no longer going to be new! When am I not expected to be like this. When will I go back to being normal? Max I don’t like not doing well. Max when I say im a control freak, I don’t mean towards other people. I mean towards me. I need to be in control of my self. I need to know what going to happen. I don’t like failing. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like being out of control. Max I always thought and was told Im a true definitionn of a Sagittarius. Most everything is me, anyone will agree. BUT max one of those traits is described as my greatest strength is an "undying optimistic attitude" well baby boy I feel far from that. I try my hardest to be positive and think ahead. But right now it’s not my greatest strength.

Max I was talking with your nurse about one of my jobs at work. That job is that im a certified car seat technician. I love it! I love teaching people about car seats. I love car seat research, I love installing them. I just really enjoy everything about it. Your car seat was my most looked forward to registry item. Well what if I can’t do it anymore. I will be one on one with pregnant moms. How can I do my job right? What if I have to give it up? Car seats most people probably think who cares, but I really enjoyed it. WELL your nurse said I should give myself credit and im stronger then I think.

Max I have that saline hysterosonogram tonight. I did not throw up the antibiotic last night or this morning, so that’s good! Im not looking forward to the test, but I have to have it to see what the insides are looking like.

 Max I love you and miss your face.

looong day! (Day 57)

Max I was excited to come home and unwind. Its been a LONG day. Im a mess but a comforted mess. If that makes any sense. I had another really good time with your NCIU nurse. im lucky that she is around. A lot of people dont have that. She told me some things today, and I guess I told her some as well. Its weird how It seems like we both need each other. I showed her the pictures from the NILMDTS foundation (which Is because of her) I also showed her the ones I have of Max alive. She started crying and said "he is pink" She then told me that she has been second guessing her self, and thinking maybe he was not pink when he came out. Maybe she missed something. But its true, you were pink you were ok. As the NICU nurse I know she did nothing wrong, none of them did. Its the way it is and I need to except that. She also told me the story of her baby girl that was adopted after her baby died and another miscarriage. The story is amazing and it gives me hope, there is no way it would not make anyone step back and say "wow" I will tell you more about her tomorrow. Im drained right now and I dont want to minimize anything. But after leaving there I had to go find something to eat for that antibiotic. I did not have enough time to go home. Max I did not feel like eating. Somedays it is really hard, Its not like im hungry and deciding not to eat. Im just not hungry or I put the food in my mouth and then dont want it. Well I had to eat something, after throwing up this morning and feeling sick, I could not have that again tonight. One because I did not want to start throwing up in the support group and two, I have to take the antibiotic for a reason!. Max i have to have that test tomorrow afterwork. I hate this one. Shane cant be there, but oh well he was not there the first time. Ok well back to what I was talking about. I ate a piece of whole grain flat bread. Basically I shoved it in my mouth and then I chugged some Kefir. Well it was enough to not make me puke and keep the pill down! success!
 Max baby the group was ok tonight. Im drained. Sometimes it was hard to talk. Other times it was harder to listen then it was to speak.  I always feel like I have to make things ok for others. Max baby Ill tell you more about the group tomorrow also. I have so much to tell you. I just need to try to sleep or im going to have another melt down. I need to shut the world off.

Max baby your dad is having a really hard time tonight. He is very angry. I have not seen him this angry in a long time.....Sometimes I worry so much. He is so frustrated with work, bills, life....I know I cant live in a world where people are not angry. I still just hate that he is like that. I wish I could make things better for him your dad is wonderful. Max please watch over him. No matter what I will be ok.  I always am........I will deal and manage. Your dad, well please watch over him. He needs you more then I do my little love.

Max baby tomorrow I will tell you more. I love you SO much. I got to have you for 41 weeks 2 days. You lived 54 mins. You showed me love and that I could carry a baby full term. You gave me hope/pure happiness. You were my joy. You made me a better person. You cured me. Max I dont, not eat now because of trying to lose weight, or some kind of control thing. Im just not hungry. But Max being pregnant with you I ate all the time, I stopped throwing up. Years of being bulimic just stopped. I had excepted the fact that I was going to be that way forever. It was like this weird habit, I could not control. Max you came along and I just stopped. My other pregnancies I still threw up, but you stopped it. After 17 years of being that way, I just stopped. Max you fixed me. Thats an amazing thing. Thats another good thing that came from you Im grateful for.

Max I have cried a lot tonight (sometimes thats not a bad thing) but im emotional drained. I cant take much more. My mind is racing, and im trying to calm down. I love you baby boy and I will write to you tomorrow as soon as I can. Even so today was still ok, and ill take that!

Good night my little love.

So tired and my love of music.....

Hey little love, im doing a little better today in terms of my mood. . Even though im exhausted and feel sick to my stomach. I have a busy day. Im meeting with your NCIU nurse again after work and then there is a support group tonight. Its going to be a long day. I was hoping to be able to go for a run, if my new sneakers come in but I dont know if I will have time or energy.
Max I just puked my guts up and feel like im going to do it again. Before I went out to throw up I was about to tell you that I have to get a test done tomorrow were I need to take an antibiotic today, tomorrow and then then day after. Its the only drug that makes me sick. A half  hour after taking it I was throwing it up. Max its one of the only things that makes me sick. I never threw up when I was pregnant with you (unless you count the Hyper ovarian syndrome, which I dont). Im trying to eat a granola bar now, but my stomach is still uneasy. This feeling is awful. But I guess its par for the course. Hopefully its done and I wont vomit again. I wonder If I should call and let them know that it happened. Last time they gave me another doe of it. But I dont know if I want anymore :(
Max I am so tired I feel like If I shut my eyes I will fall asleep. Which is not a good thing when you are at work. My stomach is starting to feel a little better, im just cold and sleepy.
The good thing about work is I can listen to music while Im here. I love music sometimes it makes me feel things I did not know I was feeling. I can also listen to a song and the way it makes me feel is exactly my mood. Sometimes the words dont matter. I just like music alot.Im not sure how to explain myself, it evokes things and allows me to be ok. allows other people to express how I feel.  Today my mood is a mix of counting crows, old Live and the newer band naked and Famous. But mostly my good old comforting Counting Crows/Live.
Well Max im eating a plan bagel to help my stomach. I think this is the first time I ate breakfast since you died.
Max baby work is really slow for me, but I should get back to staring at the Screen waiting for something to do and listen to music. (im not sure If I should post now or leave this open for add ons)

Max baby I forgot how much I like Live and there music/lyrics. I was angry with them when they broke up. Live and Counting crows have been my favorite since the mid 90's. Both were my first concerts. Counting Crows was in 96 I think. I wish I could show you all these things and share with you. I wish I could play music for you. I love you

:) goodnight

Hi baby boy. Im doing better then I was earlier. There is nothing like coming home to your dad. He makes me feel better, almost all the time. Just being near him helps. i went for a run but it was pathetic. Its crazy how out of shape I am. I feel like I should be able to pick it right back up! Max i wanted to tell you that I love you and Im sorry for being such a crab. Life is just so different now. Everything has changed.

My plan is to fall asleep early tonight. Im so worn out. Thanks for reminding me how important life is. Looking at your little face makes me smile :)

Max 2 months (8 weeks) day 56 Sorry for the way I am.

Today is 8 weeks baby boy. 8 weeks is 2 whole months. Hey my little love I am so tired today. I feel like a horrible person for wanting some people to back off. Why do I get so angry. Or is it that I tolerate everything until I cant take it anymore. I just dont want to hurt there feelings. You would think when things are hard you would want family around I guess thats another thing that makes me so different. I want normalcy from family. If I want something I will ask. I know I cant have things both ways. Sometimes I need someone to ask me how im doing, or is ok with me talking about you max, and when I was pregnant. But other times with certain people I just want things the same. Sometimes I get so annoyed with family telling me how sad they are. If I have to continue with my life, so do they. I need to be sad on my own sometimes. There is no need breeding the sadness. Why am I so complicated baby. I know im going to hurt peoples feelings. I dont want to make anyone angy or sad. I just want things normal again for all thats around me.
I know Im different now, I feel different. I feel like there is a big X on me that I can get off.

I need to get it together little man.

Max 2 months (8 weeks) day 56.
56 days since the best day and the worst day of my life. Its crazy how fast life can change. Time is supposed to be a healer, well Im impatient. Time seems to stop and get stuck.

Im sorry for the way I am. I need to start being more positive, eat better, and think ahead. I need to be better, nicer, and healthier.

Brace your self its a ramble!

"Hope dangles on a string,

Like slow spinning redemption.

Winding in and winding out,

The shine of which has caught my eye."

Dashboard confessional-vindicated

Dinner was nice, but im still in one of those moods. Actually kind of angry, and frustrated. Not because of dinner. Even though I feel like I dont know how to be normal anymore. I try but im just so tired! Tonight may have been hard because I am so tired. But still my head is in such a fog and I cant seem to focus. BUT it was still good. There was good conversation and good questions that make me think. I think to think on things other then feeling low.

I started crying on the way home,  not bailing or anything, just a slow stream of tears. When I go home there was three toads waiting for me out back. I love those little things and the peace they give me. You always seem to know when I need calming. Max baby why am this way? Max I am your mom and I love and miss you. Why do I feel that know one else has that right. You were my baby! I have no problems talking about you with those that can take it for what it is. I dont want to talk about how I feel with family. Other random people sure. I will talk about you and the pregnancy and how I am now. But only if I want to . Max why do I get so angry when certain people try to push there feelings on me . If I wanted to talk about it with them I would. Max what I mean is being sad is my problem, no one else's unless I invite them in. Then on that same note everyone is different one person I may be completely ok talking to and the next I dont want to discuss anything other then the weather. Max I dont want anyone doing anything with me unless I ask them. I dont want anyone coming to the support group with me. Max baby I love you so much and I can only handle my own sadness in missing you, no one elses. Max somedays I want to tell the world to fuck off.....but what kind of mom would that make me be! I guess how do people know if there invited in. Well i would think those that are..all ready know!

Max baby a friend I was talking (texting) to said that her mom remembers that she said she said she would take care of you when she gets to heaven. Max I know your going to be fine. There is only going to be good things/people with you. I just wish that we could go and visit every now and then. I know you cant come back, and neither can those that will join you. I just wish you were allowed to have visitors. Im tired. I need to try and sleep, before my mind keeps wondering. Im glad I went to dinner that was one good thing out of my exhausting day. I have a good life Max. A friend left the hospital and is back home. I have a roof over my head. Still have a job. Have family that loves me to much, and have good friends. My depressed attitude needs to be reminded of those things.

Good night my little love, thanks for the Toads.

childless.....still don't know how you died and overall sad. Having one of those days!

Morning.......Hey baby boy its another work week. I'm a little flustered today, but that's ok. I had more weird dreams, but I think that's going to be the way things go from now on. I love you. Tonight I'm supposed to go out to dinner. I hate that I'm so anti-social. Friday I never went because I was not feeling well. I also just feel so awkward now. I don't know how to just be anymore............. I only ever feel relaxed when I'm alone with Shane. Its like some weird panic disorder when you never know what emotions are going to hit. but dinner should be ok tonight, its with 2 friends that don't have any babies. Both of these people are mellow souls as well. as long as I don't decided I'm not going at the last minute it should be ok.
Max I want to be home today, but oh well. I had an ok weekend and now I feel like I'm paying for it with guilt and sadness.
I love you my little love I will talk with you soon baby boy.
Max I should really start eating better, but its hard when I not hungry and hate food shopping!

5:10
Max all of a sudden im having a really hard time. I started to have a crying spell. I feel so sad and hopeless at the same time. I miss you so much, something in my stomach moved today and It reminded me of your kicks. I keep thinking about trying to have another baby but with all the miscarriages I dont think I can do it on my own and we can afford IVF again. I feel so hopeless today. Why do I want a baby so bad? Max I wanted you/loved you SO much. I feel old, and the older I become the harder its going to be to. I always said I never wanted kids, when in reality I did. I always said I was going to adopt, when in reality I want to be pregnant. I always drew silhouettes of pregnant women. Have I always known I would not be able to have babys. Or am I falling into a negative trap. Today I feel real shitty! Max this sucks, im having a poor me day. I hate that, I hate feeling sorry for myself, but today I feel so awful. I cant stop crying, I feel lazy, and fat. Everything around me seems wrong, people I care so much about are having a hard life (currently) . I dont want to be this way. I dont know why I cant have a baby, what have I done so wrong. people can say all they want that I will have kids one day. But people should not say things they cant promise. I have no control over the future or what will happen. I can only go on past experiences, my experiences say chances are low. Max I really REALLY wanted you.
I think this all started because of talking to the RSI people and feeling so hopeless. Then your dad received a call from your NCIU doctor, saying that the results are still not in yet. I still dont know why you died. Why I could not get to keep you.......

Max baby I need to try to get myself together because I committed to diner tonight with good people. I cant keep hiding. Even though it sounds like a plan today.

Goodnight love

Hey my love. Today was ok overall. Thank you for that!  My little love I went for a run today, it was alright I guess. It was short but still I ran. Max I worked on another picture for you tonight. This one I like the best so far!!! Max baby tonight I start taking birth control. All the blood work was normal so birth control it is. Max I hope you would have liked me, I would have done my best to be the greatest mom to you ever! I love you so much!
Max I have good friends and am so grateful for them, im a difficult person I know this. I find some much peace in knowing there are so many good people in this world.
Back to work tomorrow.... So I should clean my self up and take a sleeping pill.  Max I had an ok day. I hate that, it makes me feel guilty though. I hate how I feel like something is wrong. That feeling is getting better but its still there!

Cancer.....Day 54

Hi baby boy . Today is day 54. I was up real early today, had to go get blood work done. I had lots of it done today :( yuck, I hate that! I was going to go to the gym, but your dad was real tired so when we got home I took Beanz for a long walk. I should go for a run later, ill play it by how I feel. Max I saw someone today from RSI Im glad she is there. Some people are just overall nice. Its a rare trait in people, these days. Or maybe its just one of my favorite things in some people. Genuine niceness. (actually I think I know a few people this way)

Hey baby I just had a long really good conversation (through texting) with an amazing friend (one of those people I wrote about above). Life is weird and complicated. There are things I will never understand. I wish there was a reason for things and that there was not so much sadness. Max baby when you died it was SO unexpected and stopped my world and threw me so far into a hole of sadness. It being unexpected I was not prepared for it. But how could I have prepared for you dying if I knew something was wrong with you. How can anyone prepare to lose some one they love. Its never going to be easy. Do you treat everyone like you are going to never see them again. Maybe instead of saying goodbye when Im done talking or seeing some one I should say I love you.  I know we cant live in a world were people don't die. I know bad things must happen, but that does not make it any easier. Life continues to go on weather your ready for it or not.

Max baby "Do I believe in miracles?" I dont know. Are miracles something we believe in when we wont something good to happen? Are miracles something we pray for? Or are they happening all around us we are just to self consumed to pay attention to? Even though you died you were a miracle to have been conceived and then all your cells divided in all the right ways, you had a heart beat in my belly. Thats a miracle right! Is it a miracle that the sun rises and sets everyday, or is it something we expect. Do miracles always have to be about good things. What really is the definition of a miracle? I was asked today in my texting conversation "What if miracles are not merit based? " Maybe they should be, but then I guess that would be expected. I think they should be, but I know they are not.

Max You have taught me so much about life. I will forever be in love and grateful for everything you have given/taught me. I cant help being so sad and empty with out you, but I try to be ok. I want to be ok. I love you

Hey my friendIt seems your eyes are troubledCare to share your times with meWould you say you're feeling low and soA good idea would be to get it off your mind

See, you and meHave a better time than most can dreamHave it better than the bestAnd so can pull on throughWhatever tears at usWhatever holds us downAnd if nothing can be doneWe'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but who you're withThat really mattersAnd hurts not much when you're around
If you hold on tightTo what you think is your thingYou may find you're missing all the restShe run up into the light surprisedHer arms are openHer mind's eye is

Seeing things from aClearer side than most can dreamOn a better road I feelSo you could say she's safeWhatever tears at herWhatever holds her downAnd if nothing can be doneShe'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but what you thinkThat really mattersAnd hurts not much when you're around(DMB)

Max This is my newest idea. completely different from the first one. The actually drawling is really bad, but this is the general idea. The branches of your dreaming tree may have names in it (Mexican grandmom, Aunt Laura and your daddys dad Bubba) Your name is going to be carved in the tree. Your toad is going to have angel wings. Your tree will have more detail and the back ground will be a sunset.

Max this was the first idea. But I did not actually drawl it. I just put it together. 

Max Shanie likes the idea of the first one, but thinks the second is more practical. He is worried I wont be able to take the pain of all the detail I want in the one I drew. I think I like my Toad better, with his little angle wings. I just need to work on it looking decent!!! 

Max baby thanks for the fat guy again tonight. I love you so much. We are going to go to bed now. Your dad and I have become early people. I love you my little love. 

"Didn't you have a baby?"

Hey my little love. I decided I was going to clean the house today, but I needed to go to the store and get cleaning products. Well things were going well until, I was in the bathroom cleaning isle and saw someone from growing up, we were doing the "hi's" "how have you been" and then she says didn't you have a baby. The first time I have been asked this question with out Shane around. I froze a little, and then said yes I did but he died an hour after birth. I then said it will be 8 weeks on tuesday. I teared up a lot but I did not break down. This person said there sorrys and then her and her mother asked about the rest of my family, then moved on. Im getting more and more agitated as the day goes on because of this. They did nothing wrong, they were not rude, everything was polite. Im just getting increasingly agitated because I don't have you here. Instead of telling people you died I should be bragging about you and showing your pictures off to the point of annoying others.
I wish I could get up and go run, but this pain in my side does not even like walking right now. Im so agitated though. I even find my self being mean to your daddy. Its crazy how today I was ok, I was smiling and I was reminding my self how short life is. I was thinking how my life is still betters then others. I was ok, then I was asked about you. Asked about having my baby. All of a sudden im back to square one. Its crazy how one question can trigger so much. Max baby Im still better off then a lot of other people. I still am aware of how short life is. Im just missing you.
Max baby Casey is back in the hospital :( I wish things would improve for her. I hate thinking how she must feel. I think about her all the time. Why do the people that do good things and are so genuinely kind get faced with awful things. Its crazy that with the way science is now that babys can die after birth and that Cancer can still be so complicated to cure. things need to get better for her.

Max can you watch over her please. 

Good Saturday little love.....day 53

Good morning baby boy we made it to day 53.... I did not sleep well but I did not have to get up at 5am so that was good. I had a lot of weird dreams again. I was also up all night with this cramping. Max baby last night when I took Beanz out the little fat guy (Toad) was out there. I was so happy to see him. I took his picture and went to text it here to you but it never sent so I will put it with your morning message. He is the guy I see the most. He also is the one the hops around the most. I always know who this one is. I think he likes to hid under the plastic bag that is temporally covering the window well. Your dad says it must be warmer there. Max baby I got some Toads house for the back yard. I dont think anyone moved in yet though. They probably wont because they are getting ready to hibernate. Did you know that they only crock in the spring when they are mating.

The fat guy from last night. Thanks for sending
the toad friends. 

Max I should really clean the house today it is such a mess. I also need to work out or something to. I wont get back in shape sitting around. Max today would be a great day to have you around. Its beautiful out. We could go for a walk, or just sit outside. We could even go to the park. Its a perfect fall day before the dreaded winter.

Max Today Im going to try and be positive for you. I love you so much and you are the reason why I still breath and go on. I love you so much

I wrote your name in the Sand........

Hey my little love, Im still so tired and drained. I did not go for a walk tonight, I have been stuck to the couch. I should have though because Im very agitated. Im also very hungry today. Thats not really a bad thing. Max baby that pain is still there but Your dad thinks that its just period cramps. Its very possible, my cramps were always strong and on the left side. I hope thats what this is. Early today at work there was one point where it hurt to walk or even stand up straight.
Max I spent alot of time tonight on the couch feeling crappy (physically) but while I did I have been thinking of your tattoo and am now going in a different direction. I have all theses ideas and I know what I want, but for once in my life I cant seem to create. I cant drawl something of someone else's, I have always been able to create my own craziness, so why cant I drawl what it is I see in my head for you! The good thing baby is I know what I want, Maybe nothing will ever be good enough for you.
Max I love you so much baby boy. I read this and I thought of you

I wrote your name into the sky,

But the wind blew it away.

I wrote your name into the sand,

but the waves washed it away.

I wrote your name into my heart,

And forever it will stay.

I love you my little love. I miss you so, I looked at your little pictures tonight. I love your little hands and feet. I wish I could touch them one more time. Smell you one more time, see you one more time. Good night my baby boy. 

Day 52 and feeling blue.......

Hey my little love sorry, that I did not write much last night I just did not feel like getting on the computer and I did not feel well. This pain in my side is still there and its so uncomfortable. I have no clue what it is. I hope it has nothing to do with the C-section incision. Or is it because this is some sign that im making a bad decision in wanting to move forward with thinking about a sibling for you. Is this some way of me being told its a bad idea. What if I make even more wrong decision's. How do I know if im making the right decision.I just wish things would go right some times. Im tired of feeling so guilty. Today Max im not really in a mood to be social. I just dont feel like talking. Why talk when there is nothing to say. If I speak it would just be mindless chatter. Max im also very tired and just worn out. I wish this side pain would go away. I slept awful (no surprise) last night. The pain was so bad I could only sleep on my back, flat. Max baby im not sure how to define who I am or what im doing with my life anymore.
Max Your Nicu nurse texted me yesterday to see how work was going and to see when we can get together again. I have no service at work so I got it around 3, I responed back but have not heard anything from her. I really apprecaite her and what she has done for me. I dont want to be annoying or bother her. I hope she got my response. Max baby she was one of the last ones to see you alive, she was there in the end. Im greatful for everything she has done.
Maybe I should focus on your tattoo today, when I have down time. Just when I liked something now im thinking of something out. I need to make sure its just write baby. My mind is wondering a lot today. I wish I had an on and off switch. I cant seem to stop. But I guess floating by is ok........ at least im not sinking.

Love you

Hi my little love. I'm not feeling well tonight. I got my period, have cramps and I'm tired. Tired but wide awake. Sorry I did not write much. I did not even bother with the computer tonight. I have a really bad pain in my side and feel sick the way I do when I have those passing out episodes. This pains not cramps and it hurts. Max I love you. I will talk to you later. By the way little love did you know I can text you,its what I'm doing now :-) But I just wanted to say I love you, my little love!

The future...... day 51

Good morning baby. I woke up a little better. I got little sleep but at lease it was sound. I had weird dreams again. I had a dream I was pregnant with you, and that I was at RSI and they told me I could have an ultra sound any time I want, but then when it came time to it they would not let me. I was upset about that. There were some other dreams to.
Max I did not see a toad lst night, but I saw a lot of other cool things. Hey love today I have to call RSI, maybe the dream was to remind me to call. Im a little anxious with what to say. I also have to pay a bill :(

Max a friend from the support site whose baby boy died around the same time as you was posed a question by her counselor. Which is a good one and does make me think. The question was thinking about the future and life again.

 "To start to live and define the "next life" if you want - once the mourning and grieving and the stabbing pain get less - how and where I want to "re-enter" life again. Do you already feel like "future" in any way and kind? do you also catch yourself feeling guilty when you laugh or maybe think about doing something nice again? "
This does make me think a lot, I have thought about it some. I wanted kids back to back before you died baby boy. Now I feel guilty for wanting another baby. I want a sibling for you but is it ok to think about the future with out you. When do I start to be ok and not feel so overwhelmingly guilty for wanting to go out with your dad, or wanting to see friends. I even feel guilty for wanting to to be ok. The future and living life again is such a big topic.  Its hard to think about tomorrow yet alone a week, month, year from now. Hard to think about the future when I feel guilty today for being hungry for smiling, for everything. But I want to think of the future. I want to be happy again. I want to live the best life for you. I want to give you a sibling. I want to not feel guilty for doing something. I want to not have a day were I feel so low and lost. I want a future where im happy again. I know I am different and will never be the same, but I hope in the future I can be at peace.

Max this is a lot harder then it looks. Unless you know this pain, I don’t think anyone has a clue how hard things are now. But the one thing I learned is that life is short. Stupid things that bothered me before are meaningless. I don’t care about anything really. Everything is so meaningless. Most things are bullshit, and don’t matter. Why get bothered by things that won’t matter. It may be a problem sometimes, if im at work or its something that someone else is so worked up about because, I don’t care, don’t give a shit! Oh well....... Life’s to short to be worried about those things. Plus the person your bitching about or complaining about could die the next day. People go away weather you love them or not but when there gone there gone and you can’t ever go back. Max baby im rambling. I just in a daydreaming mode.......My mind is drifting a lot.

Time to do some work I love you my little love.

7 planes and 13 butterflies. Day 50!

8:30

Hey baby boy, im thinking of you. Im kindof in a funk again. Its been 50 days since you died. FIFTY long days, Day 1 and 2 I thought I would not get past a week. Now its been 50 days. Im getting by but just getting by. It does not help that im tired and getting sick. I wish this cold would just come and get over with instead of just lingering. I hate this low that always starts my day. I dont feel like speaking, or ingaging. Everything seems so off and wrong. I keep waiting for this to get better. I have better days and better moments through out the day. I would just like to know when this going to get better. When will I feel normal again. I feel like im in a fog, my body is present but the rest of me is gone. Im just floating by...........

Maybe today in my slow time I can work on ideas for your tattoo. I need something to focus on something to occupy my time. I just am so lost with out you. Empty.

6:45pm

Hey love today was a little busier, so that was helpful. I also spent a lot of down time working on your tattoo idea. I think Im finally getting there. I have a definite foundation. I was able to combine a monkey and a toad. Now to figure out the background details. Your dad says I dont need to worry about that because the back ground ideas can always be added on later. He also said it might be to much for one sitting considering it would be my first. Max so far I think it is perfect! Im not going to show a picture until im done deciding. My mind could change just like that. But baby I figured out the perfect way to combine the two.

Max baby I have such a headache, I hate being on the edge of sickness......

Beanz and I went for a walk a nice long walk. Beanz got to see his neighborhood buddy, you dad thinks that Beanz loves him more. It was an amazing walk baby boy. I saw 13 butterflies and 7 planes take off. We were walking to the airport and there were butterflies all throughout the fields only a couple were alone, but most were in 2's or 3s. They were so fun to watch float around the fields. Some even looked like they were heading up to the big blue sky. The planes taking off were so neat, 4 of the seven were small and different looking. Two were jets. I think people were learning how to take off and land because it was one after another. I love that when the jets take off they always have a huge group of birds underneath. Its like they are taking off with the plan.....every time Max. On our walk I saw geese group together and make there call as they were flying over. Maybe they are heading some where warm.

There was lots to see and take in today on our walk. It was beautiful baby!!

No running today, my head is  pounding, legs hurt and the lack of appetite is draining me.  Max baby I love you. I should go find food, watch the Phillies and go to sleep.

Im hoping to sleep tonight, last night was awful again.......The dreams are so vivid and I cant seem to sleep longer then an hour at a time.

I love you baby boy!

Beanz on our walk wanting a treat
when I stopped to look at the planes
and butterflies. 

              

One of the 7 planes.

Hey my little love, thanks for the unexpected toad tonight.

7 weeks baby boy..........

5:50am Good morning baby boy today is 7weeks (day 49)since you were born and since you died. 7 weeks baby seems like yesterday and all so forever ago. I feel like 7 weeks I should be better and moving on. Im a stubborn inpatient person and I hate not doing well. 7 weeks.........how should I be doing at 7weeks? You should be smiling now and interacting with your dad and I. Max I miss so much my little love. I sleep awful last night, one of the worse nights yet. I feel like I was up every hour and had really weird dreams. Nothing to do with you just very strange dreams. I dont recall much about them just that they where bothersome. Im in an ok mood today, but kind of blaa. Doing my best to put on a happy face. Im a good pretender I guess, not as good as I used to be. Max baby I just miss you so much. I will talk to you later............

10:38
So I just read that a lady tried to sell her new born baby to a man for 15,000 dollars. I dont understand why people who dont want there babies are blessed with children, but those that would do anything for a child are either denied or it is ripped away from them. Max my little love I would do anything to have you back and to give you a sibling. I cant gaurennte that I would be mother of the year, but I can say for certian you would be loved and that I would never sell you!

1:24
Hey baby boy just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Your on my mind a lot today my little love. 49 days 7 weeks. Still sometimes I feel like im in disbealif. I know its real but I still wonder how it has happend. Why us.....Im still trying to figure out life with out you know. How im supossed to function, act, think , feel. Now that Im back at work Im back to being sad/low. Then again I dont know if it will ever go away. My mind seems to want to feel sad lately. Its so hard and draining to be plesent. How can I be happy when I'm so miserable.
Still no autospy results, your dad was suspossed to call, I hope there is an answer.

5:03 Hey little love I came home in a better mood today, well not really but I delt with it better. I think it helps that it is a little warmer today. I dont feel as cold. When I got home I took Beanz for a long walk. The sky was amazing today, and it was way before the sunset.  I really hope thats you in the clouds my little love.

6:39 Max I think overall today is a better day I guess. Only by a slight amount but it is still better! When I got back from Beanz walk I decided to go for another one. It was a run walk. It felt good, despite the jiggling belly, and painful shins/feet. But overall it felt really good, I love the way running makes me feel, Im sure maybe it would have been better if I was able to eat today. I tried but I wanted to puke, so I figured no point to eat if your not hungry! Max did you hear me talk to you when I was running. The sky was even better then earlier, its so big and amazing, I love the view that I have here. Remember that running stroller I bought a few weeks before you were born, well if you were here I would put you in there and you would see the big sky with me. Instead I run alone, but hope your with me.

Max baby Im soooo tired its an adjustment sleeping in because you have no reason to get out of bed and then having to be up by 5am. If you were still alive I would love being exhausted because you would be worth every bit of it!

Can you send your dad a kiss or a wave of good thoughts, he is not feeling well and I think he is getting stressed. I love him so.
Im going to shower, attempt to feed myself go to bed my love .

Off to work I go...Day 48

Good morning baby. Its 5:40 and im up and functioning. Normal this would be a time were im tossing and turning. I just wanted to say hi before I leave for work and wanted to tell you I love you. Im a little anxious but doing ok actually. I think the emotions will flood in when I get there. I took one of my Add pills, so that it can help me focus at work. you dad says I do better when I take them. :)
Max baby I did to continue to get ready but I love you and will talk to you soon. (not sure if I can get on this site at work)

9:23am

Hey baby so far not so bad. It’s weird wearing the vest again and all the gear but not so bad. It is nice having something to do though. So far it is not that bad. My mind is wondering with trying to remember what it should. I feel in a fog but even still its not so bad.

Well its suprising the amount of things I remembr. I also had to pat down a new commit and I have not done that since I went on light duty about 7mounths ago. Lets just hope I did it all right. The day is really slow and I dont know if that is good or bad. I guess good for the transtion back but bad for the mind. Down time is never good.

11:15 still here.....

1:14  Hey Max my mind is now starting to wonder and drift away. Its weird, im ok and its not as bad as I anticipated. But I think becasue the day is so slow im feeling blaaaaaa and a little low. Just almost like im off or out of place. Right now I fear leaving the building and having to see people.  I came in this morning before any one got here. I dont even like leaving to go the bathroom. Overall its not so bad. I think next month when Im no longer in the comfort of hiding in the basement is when im going to have the most trouble. Max baby I love you.

4:32 Hey baby I was fine all day until I was done, until I got in my car and then started the emotional melt down. I felt like it took me forever to get home. Its hard baby because all day I had to contain my self and honestly I was ok. But then it just hit me, the waterworks  started . When I got home I just wanted to be alone but was unable to. I went in the back yard and played with Beanz. He is always a great distraction for me. Max im so sad right now, its just this low that I cant seem to make better. My day was not bad Max, smoother then I expected. But so emotional now. Max baby I will do my best always to contain myself at work. I had things to focus on, and I took the Add medication so my mind did not day dream as much as normal. That helped, but now not so much at all.  Its amazing how much missing you is so emotional draining and how much work it is to stay ok. Grief is hard, hard work my little love.  I wish this sadness would not be so overwhelming. Its the kind that makes you want to hide in bed and not face the world. (does not help that its cold) . Im just  in a low now and wish this saddness was not so controlling. A run might help but im to cold and unmotivated to get outside. Maybe later.

8:30
Hey my little love, im in a little better mood then earlier. I put two sweatshirts on and took Beanz for a long walk. I was lucky enough to see the sunset start. The sky is always amazing, better then yesterday evening with the gray sky. Max baby there were no Toads tonight again and i feel empty with out you. Im going to head to bed now my little love. Thanks for staying with me for 41 weeks and 2 days.

Goodnight day 47

Hey baby I should get ready for bed now. By getting ready I should take a sleeping pill so
i get some sleep tonight and I should take it now so I can get up in the morning.
Max in general I have had a hard time eating lately, but today I feel like its all I did and that I only ate junk food. All of a sudden I feel SO hungry. Thats not the best for someone who is 30 pounds overweight! I did manage to go for a walk even though its so cold outside. It was sad because there was no sunset, there were no toads. It was just cold and gloomy. Nothing but dark and drab. How can I find you on my walk if everything is so sad looking around me.  I guess I should not expect to see something everyday that will give me hope that your around. Maybe I have to just believe it.
Max baby I was looking at your pictures right after you were born and you looked so perfect. I still don't understand how you could have died. Maybe your still alive somewhere and all this is just a bad nightmare.
Max I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. I wont be able to write to you as much as I can now, but no that I love you my little love.
Hopeful I will sleep some more tonight. I miss you so my little love

Where is Heaven? Does it exist?

11:40 (day 47)
Max Im really bored and I miss you so much. Im having a missing you big time kind of day. Your dad and Beanz are sleeping on the couch. I have nothing else to look up on line and Im feeling lost with myself. I wish you were here to be with me.
I was thinking about this heaven thing. I wish I knew how it worked. There have been billions and billions of people who have died. People say you either go to heaven or hell. But how? I would think where ever those places are its so overcrowded. Do you have a cradle? Do you have friends? I want to know how it is for you. Do you not exist and its just a spirt that floats around like a ghost. Do you not take up any space. Are you just like a cloud floating by. Where do people go when they go to heaven. Are you in a tree or in a blade of grass. Where are you? Everyone that dies cant go to the same place. Look at how overcrowded our wold is. I know your body was cremated and others are buried, but how do you exist in this so called heaven. when I die how am I going to know you. Will are sprits connect, or will I never see you again. Then in terms of "see" how will it be. Will I no longer have sight but just know that its you. Why do we not know these things. I want to know where you are and what happens when you die.
I go back to the book/movie "The lovely bones" the scene when she is in heaven. Its her heaven and everyones is different, sometimes they can combine with someone's elses, but its different for each person. The movie made it so pretty and peaceful. Max maybe I will keep that view in my head. I just dont find comfort in telling my self your in heaven, when I have no idea where this place is. Why is it that we humans need to tell or self things to makes are selfs feel better. Why cant we be satisfied with how things are. Like you died, you dont exist anymore. I just cant though, I guess I do need something to believe in. I need to hold on to the concept that you are better off right now, or that your in a better place. All those stupid things people tell you, that you get tired of hearing. Well i guess I need to tell them to my self..........I need to believe you are still out there in this universe and that someday I will meet you again.
I love you my little love.

Day 47 already..........part 1

10:25
Day 47 all ready . I dont understand how time can move so slow and so fast at the same time.......its strange
Good morning my little love. I got more sleep last night then the night before but I still had so many weird dreams. I wake up for everything also. Max today is the last day I have before I go back to work. I should be getting everything together but the truth is I have no idea where anything is. I think most of it is at work. Im going to have to go back to wearing a vest (good thing I liked wearing the vest. ) I just hope my vest will fit around me. Im going to need to make sure I bring my gun key to work. I have not touched my gun for more then 6 months.  Good thing Im carrying lots of extra weight to support the duty belt I have not worn in forever. Max baby Im going to have to try and go to bed real early tonight because getting up at 5am is going to be hard. Im real nervous to go back to work tomorrow. I think if i can just get past walking back in and then take it hour by hour It should be ok. Doing anything again for the first time after you died is going to be hard. Max I dont like not doing well at things. I dont like feeling like im struggling. I wish I was ok. I also wish you were with me though. I am stubborn and dont like being the center of things, I wish I could just go back and it be like I never left. I will get over it, I just have to face it.

Max I could write to you all day today. I want to be with you. I want you to hear me. I really want to hold you. It would have been amazing to have been your mom.

Its really cold again today and dreary. Its good for cuddling and staying on the couch, but bad for motivation. It does not make me want to get up and go to the gym. Also it does not lead for good walking weather. It makes me sad to know that winter will be here soon, and everything will be cold, gray and dark. Im in a consistent low as it is, I dread the natural winter depression that will be coming. The only good thing about that is with the winter after it comes spring. I wish I could skip it and go into hibernation with the toads. I wish I could skip halloween, thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas and so one. I had so many fun plans in my mind on how being a mother would be for all your first holidays. Maybe someone can just cancel all the celebrations for the year of 2011. I wonder who I call to request such a thing?

Day 46

10:30am
Hey baby boy. I am so tired today. Going out yesterday drained me. Im so tired that my head feels empty. I  did not sleep well, I had a lot of weird dreams again. Every time i woke up I felt stressed and then could not go back to sleep. I think im getting sick, so Its making me feel worse. Max Im afraid the toads are going to be gone again for a while. Its real cold today. It makes me sad that the weather is changing. The toads will be gone and I wont be able to take my evening walks to watch the sunset. Soon by the time I get home from work the sun will all ready to set.
Max I think im going to take nap or at least try to. I love you my little love.

7:14
Hi my Max, sorry tonight has not had much writing. Its been a lazy day, and Im so tired. I hate that im getting sick right before I have to go to work monday. Its been dreary out, which I thin has matched my laziness. I guess the good thing is that its an excuse for being unmotivated. I actually just took a shower for the day. Max baby I had a nice phone call today. People are so nice and that continues to amaze me. It always suprises me for some reason how nice people can be. Every since I was young I was always in awe of truly kind people. Is that weird of me baby. Max I also learned that someone is planning a beef and beer in your honor.  Again the kindness is overwhelming and other then grateful I don't know how I feel. People dont need to be so nice to us. I am not deserving of such. I feel like I am far from it. Max baby I am reminded all the time how you have changed my life, for the better. How you have taught me so much about life. How grateful I am.  I will make my self think that the beef and beer is in your honor/memory rather then in sadness.  I did not tell your dad this yet.
Right now Im feeling in more of a positive mood, I wish I could keep this mood all the time. I wish I had some control over it all. Being a control freak makes dealing with everything a little hard.

Your dad and I are watching the Phillies game, I hope your Grandpop is up there watching the game. Max I had a bunch of Phillies outfits for you! I wish I was showing off how cute you would be in your phillies hat and Jersey.

I want to snuggle with your dad and go to bed early tonight. I dont know If I should take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. Tomorrow night is going to stink, because I wont be able to sleep and then I will have to get up at 5am. Thats going to be a big change.

Max its cold out so I dont think I will be seeing any toads. I hope they are there. I hope you are still here with me. I miss and love you so much.

Slow motion see me let go.........day 45 into day 46

 3:00am Hey baby, no toads tonight.... Tonight was interesting. I thought I was doing ok, and then all of a sudden while driving to Atlantic city for the concert I started crying.  Something hit me and I was crying again. I just keep thinking we should have a baby sitter, or I should not want to be leaving the house because I should be taking care of you. Your dad reminded me that I cant keep living with how things should have been and live with now! When we got to AC  we decided to go walk the boardwalk and beach. Max baby I put your name in the sand, then your dad put all of our names in the sand. Max I brought you back a seashell. The ocean was so beautiful to just stand there and look at. I was hoping you were there with me. The beauty in this huge body of water is amazing. It made me sad also. It was like a calm sadness. I could not go on my walk tonight were, I talk to you. But the neat part was even at the beach I was able to see the clouds  and the sunset. I knew you were there. I took pictures for you baby boy. Your dad and I grabbed a quick bite of food, which I did not want to eat.  Me being all emotional started crying a few times at dinner, for no reason other then I missed you and felt weird like I was doing something wrong again. We started talking about in the future giving you a sibling but the fear of something going wrong is so overwhelming. Max I was expecting to not do so well during the concert. I had my moments, but it was better then I thought. Its amazing how music can make you feel all kinds of emotions. They did not play a few of the songs that I was worried would make me sad . Strangely I started crying really bad, the worst of the night during a song that would never have before made me cry. The good thing was that it was dark and loud so know one knew. Max they played the song that was to your memorial video. Hearing it did not bother me that much, I think because the words to "slow motion" are so fucked up, but the actually music is beautiful. The lyrics have nothing to do with losing you other then something so beautiful can be so messed up at the same time.
 Music can make you feel things, they can trigger something and its ok. When i hear a song and start crying its ok, well I tell myself its ok. Max baby by the time the concert was over I was ready to run away. I had enough and my missing you was bursting out of me. Having to drive 2 hrs home was hard.  Your dad needed to sleep, it was raining and I keep thinking about you. Im sad and a little agitated now. Im home and in bed, your not. I cant sleep like always . I feel really low tonight. Im happy your dad and I went out, In my head I know it was alright to do but still I feel wrong about it. I am emotional drained and overwhelmed with life tonight. Maybe I will get some sleep and meet you in my dreams.