Max baby today has been a real mix of emotions, real up and down. One minute im laughing the next im crying. Today was a good day, but yet I feel so sad. I got to see your sibling. He/she looked amazing. No matter how many times I will get pregnant, seeing a baby inside of me will always move me. This time though it seems different. Im happy but I lack the extreme excitement I had with you. Im trying really hard to give this baby what I gave to you. But its real hard, Its hard knowing that just like that this one can be dead. I try to remind myself that you are here with me and this baby. That somehow you will make this ok. You give me that hope. Max the most amazing thing was when I was getting the ultra sound, the tech said something that makes me truly believe that you are right with me still. She knows my history, knows you died, BUT she knows nothing about the toads/frogs and how they symbolize you to me. Well your sibling was moving away inside me and loving there legs. The ultrasound tech, said that the baby is moving there legs like a frog! I started to cry, not because of this baby, but because of you. You did not have to say that, or refer to frog. BUT she did and I think its a sign from you. Maybe I need it to be, but either way it was real amazing.
Max once I got to this point in the pregnancy with you, I was over the miscarriage anxiety. I cant seem to get over it now. This is so very hard and im missing you so much. I cried a lot today. I missed you a lot today. I keep remembering this stage with you and seeing you on that big screen in the doctors office. Even this morning before the appointment, I was in my on world. I was actually going to write to you about it. I was very much in my own head. Lost in thought, listening to music and missing you. There was a guy at work whose mother-in-law died and I could not handle hearing him talk about it, talking about death. I felt like I was tuning everyone out but somehow managed to do my job. I drew today, my typical disturbing style. It was many lots of lines and shadings with flowers and an inappropriate four letter word. I have been feeling so sad. Its weird baby boy, im ok just very sad.
Your daddy and I talked alot about you today. I think he realizes how much I was missing you today. The little boys that live across the street were riding there little dirt bikes and I expressed to him how sad I get watching them, and not for me but for him. I know how much he wanted to teach you how to ride. I told him he should be able to teach you and do father , son activities. He told me he thinks about that and even crys sometimes. But he also thinks about you and trys to imagine how you would be. He told me you would be a real good boy and the kind of kid that comforts us on bad days and teaches us things. Max that made me cry more, because thats how I view you also. Of course though you would have a little bit of mischievous in you, you are our child! But I think you would have been like your daddy. The kindest soul ever. Your daddy says he gets sad, because he never got to know you. I got to know you more then he did.
Today was a really good day in terms of this little sibling growing inside of me, and right now things are good and I am happy, but im really missing you and my heart is hurting.
I love you, so much and thank you for being with me today.
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