Max baby im such an anxious mess. I really miss you, and this pregnancy seems to be increasing that. Sometimes Im surprised in how much I miss you, it always surprises me with how somedays I can miss you, more then I did the day before.
I went and met with some of your old doctors, to help ease my fears of going back. They were very understanding and supportive. He did a quick internal and said things are were they should be. This eased a little bit of my fears. I even heard your song on the way home. But then when i got home, I started bleeding. Im sure its from the exam. but once I saw the blood, the cramps started. I keep telling myself it is nothing. But sometimes this anxiety and defeatism takes over my mind.
I took Beanz for a walk, and stopped by your tree on the way back. It seems like overnight its budding all over the place. Its so neat to watch you little tree go from looking dead to having all these little buds. Its beautiful and peaceful. I wish it was you im watching grow, instead. But still I am grateful to your trees continued growth. Your NCIU nurse told me today that she saw about 20 toads. That made me happy. I have not seen any yet and I wonder if I will. The spring/summer before you died I barely saw them. But after you died those little guys seemed to be everywhere. With the one in your room, I was convinced it was from you. I wonder if you will send them back to me. I think I heard them tonight though. I went in the back yard and I heard the toad songs. I never knew how much a toad could make me happy.
Max I need you. I need you to be ok. I need to know that. Max I hope im not being greedy or selfish but I really need this baby to stay alive. I think I could have handled a very early miscarriage, but I cant handle it anymore. I really need this my little love.
I looked at benches to put by your tree today! I cant wait to find the right one.
I love you.
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