It's time to turn into a frog yourself

It's very funny to be a frog

You can dive into the water

And cross the rivers and the oceans

And you can jump all the time and everywhere

Do you want to play with me?

We can be a whole group of friends

A whole group of frogs

Jumping into the streets

Jumping into the planet

Climbing up the buildings

Swimming in the lakes and in the bathtubs

We would be hundreds, thousands, millions

The biggest group of friends the world has ever seen

Jumping and laughing forever

It would be great, right?

Hello my baby boy, yesterday I was having a really hard time missing you, but I did not want to write about it. I just wanted to leave you with those happy pictures. I was missing you so much yesterday it was even hard for me to talk really. Your daddy noticed it and I started to cry. I am SO very happy im pregnant with your sibling but im really having a hard time with missing you. I feel empty and very sad with out you. 

I love that song above, im so glad a friend told me about it. I like to imagine you talking to me and you telling me those lyrics, you telling me we can be together, we can jump and laugh for ever, that we can be friends. It just makes me feel a certain kind of peaceful happy I cant explain. 

All of my nieces and nephew are over at my moms house. Your daddy asked if we should go over and see the kids. I said yes, I want to see them but I don't want to see the adults. He asked me if I was always going to be this way. Honestly I dont know. Maybe I will. He then asked me if, when we have this other baby ( I corrected him and said IF!) will I keep the baby from them. I told him, I dont plan on it. He then asked me why its so hard to be around my family. I told him, I dont know, its just how I feel, If i dont have to socialize with them then I dont want to . But I will have to for easter. He reminded me that the longer, I stay avoiding, the harder it will be to go back. I wish I could explain, this or have him feel the way I do so he could understand. I wish he could get that feeling I get when I need to be around them. The sadness and anger all wrapped up in one. The disappointment, the falure and the reminder that you Max, are not with me. Its nothing they are doing intentional, and maybe its all in my head. BUT I hate the way I feel when im around my mom and one sister. Whats wrong with me Max. I love my family very much and I should be using them for support, but I cant, never could. Im a stubborn, anxious brat. 

Max baby I have been thinking about my appointment at the OBGYN and I think its since then I have been super sad. I saw the doctor that delivered you, she hugged me and was happy for your maybe sibling. It was actually very nice to see her and we talked a bit about your autopsy, I did not bring a copy because I did not know I would be going that day. She wanted to see it. Talking about you makes me happy and sad. This time I have been in this sad, sad funk. Its not a ohhh, that was a sad movie kind of sad, its like this pain that goes all through my body that I cant contain. I think my soul hurts. Its awful and I wish, no one had this feeling ever. 

Max people are very nice. A friend from high school sent a message to me on facebook, and this triggered 2 other friends who said very nice things. I have not seen these people since high school. One at my friends, moms funeral a few months ago, but still. They were so kind in there thoughts and I so grateful. I find kindness in people so rare and special. 

Today has been hard, but in a different kind of way. Your daddy and I went to the movies early today. I have not been to the movies since I have been pregnant with you. We say the "Winnie the Pooh" movie. He thinks we have been since then, but I really dont think we have. Even things like going to the movies are really hard for me. I associate everything with you. When I do things again, then I last did with you it really effects me. 

Oh today we hung up a bird-feeder on the front porch. THe cats love it and so do I. All day there were no birds, but then just like that one came, and its like he told his friends and a whole bunch kept coming and going. It was beautiful to watch. 

I was looking at your hands and beautiful features today. I love them, and I love you. 

I guess I had a lot to write to you tonight. Your daddy is watching motocross and I think Im going to go to bed early, because I miss you. 

Love you Max.