Max im not doing well at all today. The whole day has been really hard. The only good part was not having to do car seats tonight. I honestly dont think I would have been able to handle it, because it took everything in me today to not cry at work or leave the room screaming.
I have concluded that this baby is no longer living. I know my anxiety and fear have lead me here before and I have been wrong. Well the thing is I dont think I have been wrong, its was bound to happen, just did not. I wish I could describe the despair I feel to someone. The feeling I get when I just know that the baby is no longer living. I know these things. This one, the one I wanted to be your sibling is not going to live. I beive it has all ready died sometime with in the last 7 days. I know that spider I saw did not kill the baby, but they have come to be a bad omen for me. Any sign I had of being pregnant I know longer, I had a strong gag reflex and vivid dreams, nothing now. I even took another pee test and it seems lighter then the last. have I just dont understand why this always has to happen to me. What have I done so wrong that I cant have a baby. I talked to you yesterday out loud, and cried a lot. I asked you to let me have this, but I guess thats not up to you.
BUT the thing that bothers me the most was work today. I thought I was dealing ok, but maybe in all reality im not. I can not handle taking a CPR class with out my eyes filling with tears.
TOday at work, was really hard, I am dealing with the reality that tomorrow after work, I will learn out loud what I allready know. I had to take a CPR yearly training and I would not expect CPR to send me over the edge but it really did. we got in to learning about CPR on infants, and I almost lost it. the way they were talking about babys not being able to breath hurt me so bad. ANd then a bunch of people were making jokes out of the doll infant. The things they were saying, then having to practice CPR on that doll. Which I know is just a doll, but my eye were full of tears. All I could think about was you not breathing and your heart stoping. Someone said that most be the worst call ever, In my mind I wanted to scream at them, that they have no idea. Thinking about you dying and if you suffered from not breathing breaks me every time I think about. Max I wanted to run away and leave that room, I wanted to go someone were where I could be with you agian. Sometimes being at work is so hard. I really hate having to be there. Im just very grateful that a friend who does car seats took them for me tonight. I honestly dont know if I could have pulled it off today. I really am a mess. I hate this Max
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