Hi Max baby, today was uneventful  and that is good! Im ok. I feel like my anxiety is creeping back in. Everything seems to scare me, or get to me. Today is not so bad, but i feel like its creeping in again.
Oh well. Im not going to think about it.

What I will think about its you! The weather being nice, really helps my spirt and I feel you with me more. On my walk tonight I was thinking about your little tree. Its growing buds now and its so exciting to know that the little tree is coming back alive. It got me thinking about how I want to make that area better. I think im going to buy a bench to put by your tree. Its going to be a swinging one, so I can just lay there and dream of you. It gives me something to focus on thats positive. Max lately you have been my positive, you have been my strength.

Im scared that I cant handle another baby dying. I dont know how I would be if your sibling died also. I need this, I feel like, just slightly I feel like I have life in me again, and that scares me.  Im nine weeks now Max, with your sibling. Its true what they say about showing faster with second children. Your daddy even thinks im showing. I don't want to tell work until the second trimester, but im scared I wont make it. Im scared that if I tell them, the baby will die. This is the only bad thing about wearing a uniform, it does not hide weight gain. Also baby I know I need to call the regular obgyn, but again so much fear and anxiety. I dont want to go back, I feel like If I do this baby will die, I dont want to go back in that office, I dont want to face the doctors. I know I need to soon, I cant stay at RSI forever. The anxiety is getting to me, I struggled all day with getting the nerves to call, and I never called. Maybe tomorrow.

Max I hope you want this baby also. This baby is just as much for you as it is for your daddy and I. I feel like not only do I need this baby to feel like living again, but I feel like your sibling will help me keep your life alive. Your sibling(s) (hopefully) will know all about you. Eveyone should no all about you.

Mising you Max baby,  thanks for being with me on my walk.