Max baby I feel close to normal today. I feel like I have a little bit of me back today. I feel hopeful.

A sunny Saturday day 67

Hey my little love, today is day 67. I don't know if I should be keeping track of days, wether its good or not, but I still do. I dont think I will ever wake up and not know what day it is. Maybe someday I will be then maybe it will turn into weeks then months, then years. I cant yet imagine what it will feel like to only count months, then years. ha ha Max im surprised i still count days, because anyone will tell you numbers are not my speciality. (neither is spelling, but my math skills may be worse). Hopefully you would have developed your dads smartness. Not sure what I would have wanted you to get from me, your dad is wonderful. ha ha you did inherit my long finger toes, that just means you would have had big feet. You can definitely thank the Campos side of the family.

Max I woke up in a good mood, its sunny outside (but a little colder then I would like) I over slept so much, but I guess that is ok. There is no rule when I need to get up. Its 11 am and your dad is still asleep on the couch. I had so many weird dreams again. I had dreams about doing research on what happened to you. There was also a lot of strange ones I don't remember but they all woke me up, all hot and clammy. Your dad went down stairs after I feel asleep for the first time and did not go to bed till real late. He is not used to going to sleep till after 3 for work, and I actually think he worked a lot last night. I hate when he is on call. I know its part of his job, but the stress and the lack of money he is given for all he does, does not seem worth it. I wish he could find something that makes him happy. He never will though until he is back in medicine. I wish someday his luck will change for him. Your dad has been through so much, that most people would have lost it by now. I hope this year things will change for him.

Max I think today is going to be a good day, well Im going to try to keep it positive. I cant be miserable all the time. Its not fair to you. I cant tell you how sad I am every time I talk to you. I realized in bed when I wrote to you that I was being contradicting. I was complaining about hearing people complain.  There are people that have things so much worse then me so maybe what I was doing someone else would have found to be petty. Even with the death of you my life is still so much better then a lot of people. Max I think about that case in Phila where the lady locked all those people in the basement and tortured them for years. Even her own family. Max baby I have a good life. Good family, good friends, and great support. Its my own challenges that hold me back from using my amazing support. I think I can do everything on my own.
(well your dad's up because he just got a work phone call. Here is the start to him being miserable  :( all day) .
Any way Max Im sorry for complaining. I love you so much. Max baby, im going to take Beanz for a walk because it is beautiful outside and he is making his I want to go play look. I love you, my little love. Thanks for always being my hope.

Emotional days dont always mean bad days.

hey baby! I have so much to tell you but my fingers hurt real bad for some reason, mainly my knuckles, any way baby Case-face finally has good news. The cancer that spread to her brain has improved. The radiation shrunk the tumors, to where another procedure may take them completely away now. She has no new brain tumors. Now baby boy the breast cancer needs to stop spreading, and go away. If anyone will fight this baby, she will. Max baby I dont want you to meet her for a very long time. Max this is good news. It was nice to have tears for something happy. 

When I came home, baby boy your dad and I went for a walk and had good conversations. He talked about wondering why people treat him the way they do, and how if he talked to people that way he would be fired or worse. He asked me if he was rude at all to the doctors . I said NO! He wanted to know why that when during one of the worst moments of his life. He could be calm and respectful to the doctors that were with us when you died. But people can treat him like poop and yell at him for no reason while he is working. Your poor dad. I wish he could separate that some people are just jerks and always will be, and that it has nothing to do with him. Your dad is the best person in the whole world. The nicest man I ever met. (dont worry baby, im not talking him up, he does not read anything in here). Your dad is one of those people who will do anything for anyone, but somehow get stepped on over and over. Someday his luck will change. I then told him my theory about why you came out looking just like his dad. He told me that was sweet! I could tell he though I was full of it. But Max baby I think there was a reason why you looked just like him. 


Then we started talking about work for me and one thing lead to another and I started crying (again, sorry Max) .  I told him Im real anxious about no longer being assigned to the control room, and having to face people every day other then those in my department. I just feel so off and different from who i used to be. Its not fair to others for me to be not bothered by petty things, just because im different. Max I feel like I just dont care! Dont care about the things that bother other people. ONLY because to me, nothing seems bad anymore. The things people bitch about, or make fun of others about means nothing. Things people complain about to me are so trivial and petty. Its like after you died i see things so differently now.  Life was put into perspective, all I took for granted, and all that used to bother me that was so pointless. All those little things that bothered me really dont matter at all. Why waste all my energy on things that mean nothing. Then I think well, those things people are bitching about mean something to them. Just because I see life differently now, does not mean they have to. So its hard to feel so diffrent and distant from ohers while trying to figure out how to function again in my role.  But I feel so different then who I used to be. I used to go along with everyday complaints and I was also part of it. Complaining about things and people. I did all those things. Who knows baby im sure I will do it again. Just right now I feel there is just no point. One of the things that bothers me is because I feel so different I feel like I can no longer be a good supervisor because, things dont bother me. Unless you do something real bad, and put someone at risk, petty things I just dont care about. Im sure someday this will change and I will forget I ever felt this way, and some day I will be back to taking everything in my life for granted. Someday I will be back. Your dad told me that most people probably dont know that I feel so different now. He also told me that I cant expect to feel normal and that grief can go on for 6 months before they would consider someone depressed. Well as great as that is,  he understands but how long are others going to put up with me being different. Max I told you before sometimes I just dont feel like talking. When am I no longer allowed to be different from what is expected of me. Max, i am the great pretender but, im not that good at it anymore. Your dad did make me feel better. But Max baby I have always been the kind of person that can roll things off, not be bothered and move on. I need to just remember that im ok, I will be ok.  Your dad always helps me when I talk to him, I just wish I could help him. 

Sorry Im always so blaaaa . I hope you dont think you have a complaining mommy. Max the day was actually pretty good, Im figuring out that I can have emotional days and that still be ok. I can keep things together.

Max I took some amazing pictures of the sky today. I used my good camera so I need to go through them and see which ones I want to give to you today. I know that you wont be able to send toads to me the colder it gets, so when I look at how big the sky is makes me think of you. The sky is so big and amazing. Its bigger then us here on earth. 

Max I love you so much

Feeling emotional and really needed to talk to you, my little love.

Max I just wanted to write real quick because my emotions are a little off and need to be calmed. A little earlier I went to heat up my coffee and go the bathroom; I saw one of the Juvenile probation officers, who I had not seen yet. Max baby I used to work with them all a lot. They all know what happened. Seeing her was ok, she said welcome back with a look. It was ok. Then  I was in the middle of looking things up again and writing questions down to ask the doctor next week, because things are slow right now.  That was ok it was keeping me focused. Still doing ok. I then got a phone call to go out to the duty desk because someone wanted to see me. Well it was an attorney that works a lot here. He knew about your pregnancy and new we had IVF, all of his kids were conceived that way so we always had lots of conversations. He is a very nice man, not the typical lawyer personality you would think of. Max baby he sent you a plant after you died, as well as a card. The plant so far is still alive. I was very touched when he did this because he does not know your dad and I well at all. I was so touched by his kindness, even more so because he sent you a plant. I appreciated all the flowers. They were all for you, but they were so beautiful and I knew they were all going to die like you did. He sent you an actually plant, this just really touched me. Well seeing him really upset me (not in a bad way). He gave me this big hug, and said he just wanted to see how I was doing and glad to hear I was back at work. Ha ha he said that he did not want to make me upset. Why does kindness effect my so strongly. Some people I would have been ok, like going through the motions. When most people ask me how I’m doing I say ok, thank you. Leave it at that. When some ask that same question and I know they really want to hear my answer I tell them the truth. When it comes from people who genuinely are concerned its hard. Max baby im sure im sounding so confusing. Im not in a bad mood, im just emotional. If I did not sit here and write you I would most likely start to cry. I wish I could not be so affected, to bad im not a robot Max baby.
I’m still ok, I just really needed to talk to you. I love you.

Today im going to be ok. Day 66

Good morning little boy. I went to bed real early last night. I was asleep before nine (with the help of melatonin and Benadryl) but still I went to sleep. The Beanz dog woke me up around 2am to go out. I dont  think he is used to going to bed so early. Lucky for me though your dad was just taking a break from work so I went back to bed. Max I had weird dreams again. Dreams are so strange.  Anyway your dad was still awake when I got ready for work. I get up at 5am. I hate when he is still awake. He was actually working. He is a person that needs his sleep. He is on call this weekend, so im sure its going to be a weekend of him agitated with work. Your poor dad is such a perfectionist. He never can just stop and say oh well. But that’s just one of the quality’s about your dad that also makes him wonderful.
Max baby work should be busy again. We have 24 inmates coming in and lots of courts up, If things go the way yesterday did this day should be over quickly and then ill be back home with your dad, Beanz and you. (your bear full of ashes )
I think today is going to be ok. Max Im feeling positive today. I have to its my only option. Max can you watch over my friend and her mom today. Things are not well.  I know you and everyone else are watching over her. Max I love you SO much. Its just like yesterday where I want to write you all the time. I cant though I should stop know. Im going to have to start being active here at work. I love you so much, my little love. Today is Friday and Im going to try and keep my head focused on being positive .

Another day over. Day 65 second half.

Hi baby boy. Sorry I was crabby, this morning. I just did not want to be at work. I like work, and I like who I work with, I just dont want to be there anymore. I wish I could just start over. I feel so different then who I used to be. I wish I could change what I do again. Maybe I will go back to mental health (probaly not, Unless I go back to school Im going to never going to be satisfied in a BA level job) Max Ijust need to get over the fact that I need to adjust and figure out how to manage. Max baby I actually am in an ok mood, I feel a lot better then when I did this morning. I think it did help that I was very busy at work. The busiest its been since I went back to work. The lack of down time, distracted my mind. I think it helped. Max I still dont know when we are meeting with the doctors to go over the autopsy, but I want to have every detail. Why is it that I want answers so much, but those answers bother me so much. Max I met with the fertility people today. Its official I put everything on hold for now. THere will not be a transfer until december. I think I made the right choice. ha ha if you have a way of telling me other wise you should do so now, my little love! Max im so worried that what happened to you can happen again. THe sad part is we will have no way of detecting it until after your sibling is born and weather they die or not. No amount of fetal monitoring is going to detect it. Max baby you were so special you were actually rare! I always new your were special though. Max i wish I could have kept you attached to me I could carry you around while the umbilical cord is still connected. I would have kept you alive. Max I think people would have found that strange! Max I need to stop thinking so much. I have that things came back, I have that they know you had severe pulmonary hypertension, What she was not telling me was why. Well She told me, but left so many things out, until we meet with the pathologist. Should I find comfort in being told that she never saw this so severe in her over 20 years of being a NCIU doctor. No I dont think so. I just hope when they explain every little detail I will have an answer for everything. Max I wish my placenta did not fail you in the end. even though this sounds like it did not help your situation, but also did not hurt.. It sounds like you did not have a chance, no matter how perfect you looked and how great your apgar scores work. You were going to die, you just decompensated rapidly. Max I know what its like not being able to breath. I hope it was fast and that you had no fear. The older you get the more you develop awareness of things like fear. I hope you had no idea what was happening. I hope you did not feel like you were suffocating. I hope you did not feel your heart stop. I hope you just closed your eyes and went to the clouds.
I need to stop speculating and well stop thinking.  I need to calm my mind. I will have the right to do this after we actually sit down and meet with all the doctors involved. But for now I need to relax and forget I got the phone call and forget what I know until everything is more definite and defined better.
Max on my way home the sky was amazing. I think it was you. The clouds were big and puffy in some spots. Long and rippling in others. Then there was this bright spot that would shine through. I love talking to you when I look in the sky. Max I also love writing you, I feel like your the best friend I could ever have. I can tell you anything, you listen no matter what.  If only you had computer access in heaven.
Your dad and I were talking about the pictures of you alive. Its so strange how much you look just like your grandpop (your dad's daddy. ) Its so strange. Maybe somewhere up there new you were going to die. Maybe someone knew how much he was missing his dad. He died the month before we did the ivf.  Maybe you coming out looking exactly like him was a way to say things are ok. ha ha even your little baby chest looks just like his. Max Im glad you looked like him. Your dad told me the first time he saw you that was the first thing that went through his head. In his mind he said "bubba" thats what he called his dad. So maybe there was a reason why you looked just like him.
Max Im going to stop now. I could write to you on and on. Sometimes its to hard to write to you, and I get so sad. Other times talking to you makes me feel so much better and I dont want to stop.
Well baby its one of those nights I dont want to stop......... I love you, my little love. Thanks for being my everything.

Part one of day 65

Hey baby boy. Its strange today. Im feeling low/sad but my mind is racing NON stop. My mind wonders, im a day dreamer I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I dont think its bad that my mind wonders unless I can no longer focus on what I need to do. Max baby today is a music day. Im not really sure about myself today. Im very matter of fact, almost unemotional. You ask me a question and ill give you an answer, but don’t expect anything else. Its all the energy I have to be ok. Today is a day where I need to look forward not around. I need to just do my work. Today is a day that talking about mindless things will wear on me. Maybe it would be good though. But I just don’t feel like it. Unless you want to talk about medical things, and Max. Unless you want to figure that all out, I have nothing to say. Max baby I hate being like this. I just don’t have the energy chit chat and be social. So far its been busy though. Busy is good. Max im very mellow today. Things are how they are so I need to except it. Just go with the motions.  I love you

Max they know why you died, the results are in. Missing you on day 63

Hi little love. Your results came back, they know why you died. There is a reason baby, the reason does not make me less sad. I actually feel like im falling apart. Even with an answer I still need answers. When the doctor called she had poor phone service and so did I .  your dad and I are going to meet with her and the patholigist next week to go over everything. But basicly baby boy no oxygen was getting to your lungs after you were born. You had severe pulmanry hypertension and the placenta failed you. Max there is a lot more to this. They have a reason why. Everything right now is a jumble so for me to talk about it or make sense of it will do know good. I had to talk to her outside in the rain, becaue your dads cell phone has bad service in the house, and I wrote jumbled notes down on a reciept. Max Im not sure what the results mean yet. Well I know what they mean, im not dumb. I ment I dont know where I go from here untill we meet with the doctors and patholigist. The main reason of the pulmonary hypertension she did not clairfy that much on the phone. Max Im so sorry that I wanted someone to blame in the begining. If someone was to blame it never would have changed anything but i needed a reason other then you or I.  Max baby there is no one to blame. I hate that I ever thought that way. Im sorry. Max peoples kindness amazes me, always will. People dont need to be so kind to me I have done nothing great in my life to deserve it.

Max I feel so sad right now. I really thought I would feel better when something came back. I thought I was prepared. I want to crawl into bed with your bear and fall asleep with you. I miss you more now it seems. The ironic thing is I looked up all things that could have happened to you today. I came accross something that screamed at me! The only thing that makes sense. Well what the doctor is saying fits. The only thing is that is rare and may be a gentic mutatiion. I had planned to call her tomorrow and see if anything came back yet. Max you were sick once you were born and there was no saving you. You were healthy in my belly untill you were discontected from me. Max it seems like we kept each other alive. I too you when you were in my belly, and you keepme alive now. You being connected to me keep you alive, once that changed you had no chance. You were plugged into me baby boy. I live for you baby boy.  When we meet we will go over what will happen next time and the chances of a repeat. They cant tell me it wont happen, No one can ever tell me that the chances are low and your sibling will be healthy. No one can ever promise me such a thing. A healthy baby/pregnancy (seemingly) is not sposssed to end in dealth. So know one can every promise me, or tell me things are ok. The only hope im going to have is going to come from me, and my love of you.

Max my head is spinning all over the place. I wish I could stay home and be alone and just process everything. But I cant I have no more time. I dont want to be negative and dig out of a whole. Im going to need to take off to meet with the doctors, ill need that day off more.

. Max soon you are going to have company where you are. I wish this person could stay on earth, but soon she will be with you. Things are going to be ok. She is going to hold you and watch over you for me untill I meet you again  . Your going to snuggle with her and untill all her babys are with her when its there time. You never met her baby boy, but I belive you will know when she gets there. The pain of losing you is not getting eaiser, somedays I manage better and somedays it seems harder.  Max baby my friend is going to need your love. I wish I could make things ok. Im all ready missing you so, I wish I could take all the pain for everyone. The saddness that comes from grief is not easy.  Max I feel like I cant express how sad I feel . Its empty and I actually feel lost for words. Maybe the toad this morning was preperation and you telling me things are ok. Things will be ok. Max Baby I love you, Thanks for listening. Good night my little love.

Good morning baby boy, i woke up in a crabby mood. Im just tired and the lack of sleep is getting to me. But when I went to take Beanz out there was my toad friend the fat guy. You must like him the most. I felt bad because it was raining real hard this morning, I know he is a toad but still he was getting rained on. Even though I did stand there and watch him hop up on the porch. Max I miss you. I was thinking this morning as I was getting ready that November is almost here, and that when I originally planned to go back to work if you were with me. November is going to be hard. Its when you were conceived, I will no longer be in the comfort of the control room, hidden from all the other county workers. I will have to come in and leave at regular time. I will be assigned places where I have to interact and be social. Here I can hide away. November is when your youngest cousin was born so there will be a "babys first birthday", there is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving last year I was SO sick with the hyper ovarian syndrome, but it was ok because it meant my chances of you developing you were good. November starts the official holiday session. Everyone will talk about there family and Christmas. Max am I setting my self up for failure now? NO, I don’t think so. I think im just aware of all the things that November stands for. Max i love my family; I just wish I was not around this year. Max baby, I don’t mean to be sad, when I write to you. I promise its not you that makes me so sad, its the lack of you that does. I think I need to take a break form writing to you right now. Its actually making me really sad. Missing you a lot.

MAX.......goodnight little love.

Hey my little love. I did ok today. To another person the things I did today are nothing, but for me I did huge things. I made it, and I did things that used to be so easy but are now so incredible hard. In the the training it was real hard to focus , but it was good at the same time. It made the day go fast. Max I did ok, until I was driving home. I went past Weaver mulch, where there is the little stand where they sell fresh vegetables and homemade goods. Well there was a bunch of pumpkins. Out of nowhere baby boy, i started to cry. I could not control it. Just started balling. You will never experience halloween and fall things. Or was I crying because I will never experience it with you. The tears just started coming out. But then I came home to your dad, and we went for a run together. Still WAY out of shape little boy, but It was fun today and I felt good running with your dad, and Beanz. Max baby I thought I was doing better, with happy people and happy babys. Well I am its tricky. I wish I could explain, One minute im ok the next I feel so sad. I really need to just cancel facebook. I hate being on there anymore. Its not fair to people I care about to feel so sad when I see there happy babys, and all that goes with it. Seeing people complain about being tired, or talk about wanting more kids, when things have been so easy for them. Its like torture almost, because I want to look. I still love babies and like seeing them, but it makes me sad. Things that never would have effected me before. I dont even like seeing my own sisters soon to be one year old. Does that make me a bad aunt/godmother. I really miss seeing all my other nieces and nephews just not the baby. I actually wish they could all come over and hang out with out there moms, other then the baby. But who am I to deny anyone happiness because im sad. What kind of person does that make me. How is that fair. Its such a fine line of making myself ok and and allowing others to be ok as well. I have no right to deny that for anyone. So therefore maybe its better I delete all those around me. Go into my own solo world, or just associate with people who dont cause me to feel so much confusion and frustration in my own mind. Well I should clairfy, the people in my life dont make me feel that way, they are doing nothing wrong. Its how I feel when faced with life. BUT Max love, I actually went to the grocery store by myself. (A big step)  and in the check out line there was a mom with three young kids. I was ok with it. there was a baby in the cart, who I was able to interact with. I was ok with her. Why is it so random, AND why do certain people make me more upset then others.
Even with that its been an ok day. I went to work. I went to a training outside the comfort of the control room, I actually had to go around other county workers. I had to function. I went to the grocery store on my own. I smiled at a baby, who smiled back. I ate dinner. Im ok.

All that being said I really miss you. Its crazy baby boy how much I miss you. How even on a day where I tried to be ok, and managed better, I still am so empty with out you. ha ha Max I wish I could show your picture to everyone I meet. SO I could show you off, and show that you were real and that I have a son, and his name is MAX! 

MAX! MAX! MAX! 

Max Athan Brant-my little love. 

Trying to be positve 9 weeks OR day 63 with out you.

Hi my little love. Today is 9 weeks or 63 days however you want to look at it. After you died it seemed like I would not get past each day. Each day seemed like an eternity. Well somehow I made it to 62 days. I still think about making it but its less daunting each day. Now its more like a week at a time. will I make it to the next week. Its mixed feeling because the further time goes, the further you are away from me.  October is almost over. Soon it will be December. I actually look forward 2012 for the idea that it is a new year. Not in the sense that im another year older, and childless. This December I will be turning 31. Max baby im one of those people who love birthdays. Well not this year. I do not want to acknowledge that im another year older. Nothing good will come out of having a birthday this year. Well other then having a free day off, that’s a plus.
Max im going to try my hardest again to be positive again. I have to go to a training this afternoon, which I don’t want to go to . Its going to be boring and I will have to focus a little more then i have to right now. I can go with the motions right now, but today I will be adding something else on. I guess it is a good challenge.
Max Im going to try again today. Try to keep positive and think ahead. Sink or swim right Max baby!

Max I love you so much, its amazing how much harder it is to try and be positive. It takes more energy to force myself to be positive and smile. It requires nothing to sit here and be lifeless, like how I feel. But good thing I like a challenge baby boy, and good thing I don’t want to feel lifeless.

Lifes test and looking for rainbows (goodnight baby day 61)

Some are born with more
and some born with less
so don't take for granted
the life we've been blessed
it's hard to understand
that we're only a guest
and each one of us
shall be put to life's test

(Ben Harper)

Well baby I did as best as I could try! There were some pretty low parts in the day, but I tried to be positive. Its weird because I dont feel like talking anymore. Its crazy how much you say during the day that really means nothing at all. Its crazy how when something HUGE happens it changes your perspective on EVERYTHING. Or is it just that im not happy. Do happy people talk about mindless things, because there brains are not full of sorrow. Max baby I used to be so much better at navigating life. But i think, that if I had not been challenged so much before in life, If i had not had to deal with trauma, with more challenges that most, If I had not learned how to survive, I dont think I could make it through losing you. I have learned to adapt on several occasions. I hate that stupid saying "your a survivor" when someone tries to tell you how strong you are. How about how do you keep going-WEll because I have no choice. Its either sink or swim. Max baby I hate not being able to breath, so I have to figure out how to swim. I know I will face more challenges as life goes on, life is not an easy road. BUT losing you has been harder then anything I have ever faced. Harder then growing up with a drunk, then being abused for 8 years by close family, then feeling second best to my dad's side of the family, then living with an eating disorder for 17 years, then living with someone with mental illness, then never seeming like I can focus, then finding out your sisters were abused by another family member while another one shielded me, then never feeling good enough,pretty enough, smart enough, then dealing with death of close family, my grandmother the greatest lady-NOTHING comes close to the pain/emptiness/complete sadness I feel from losing you. No of those things killed me, maybe they were preparing me to deal with this. Max baby this is killing me (not in the actually sense, but emotional ).  But baby boy Im not dead yet, Im still swimming this is the hardest fight of my life. You were worth it all. Well I made it till now, before I started to cry. But its ok.

Max If I never get to be a mom again, I am honored I got to be yours. I have so many fears that I will never be a mom again (to a living baby) All my life Max I said I was not having kids, did not want them. If I did I was going to adopt, so I would not get fat. Max I knew I did. I always wanted kids. I was just not letting anyone know. Maybe I knew somehow I would never be able to have living babys. Maybe I always knew my fate. Then you came a long, the best thing in my life........well you died. Is this my fate.
I think I told you before how I drew pictures all the time of a pregnant figure, I never understood why then, but I guess I knew my fate as a teenager before I knew I did! I will see if I can find them for you.

Max the funny thing is im still positve. I loved/love you! I dont quit, I never have. Max you are my fight now. I went for a run/walk with Beanz and then did a real short run on my own. But Max baby I ran the whole time. It may not have been far, but I was not stopping. Max im not stopping with you either.

"God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us- in the dreariest and most dreaded moments- can see a possibility of hope."

Maya Angelou

Good morning day 62

Good morning little love. I decided I was going to be positive today as best I can. I did not want to go to work today, but I have to so I have to deal with it. I slept real crappy last night. I could not seem to stay asleep. Everything woke me up, including my own brain. I had so many weird dreams. Again I wish I remembered them so I could tell you. I did not want to get out of bed today. But I had to and Im going to try and be ok today. I have a job and need my job. Its a good thing when I went to Wawa yesterday, I bought an extra cup of coffee for this morning.
Max baby why is it that the only thing I want to do is be home. At home with your dad. I can see why depression can lead to people being unable to work. I can manage while out of the house but it sure is draining. I wonder when people are going to get tired of me and no longer will put up with me anymore. How long until I have managed to shut the whole world out.
Max baby im going to need to remind myself a lot today that, that I WANT to be positive today.

Hope in the form of a toad

Just when I start to lose hope, Hope comes along in the form of a toad. Max thanks for sending me this fat guy tonight. The thought of seeing a toad has never given me as much joy as it does now. I went to take Beanz out for his last pee of the evening. He is the one that saw the toad first. Beanz never wonders away from me. He knows to go to the back yard, well he wondered towards the driveway and stopped when he saw your toad friend. I thought the toad was scared so I picked him up and put him on the grass, by one of the toad houses we bought after you started sending me lots of toads. This fat guy was real cold. I hope he is ok tonight. Max thanks for showing him to me tonight. Hope comes in strange forms. 

I love you

Day with no tears---Dragonfly---goodnight day 61

Hey baby boy, I did not cry today. I think this is a first. so far its 7pm and i have not cried. I feel guilty about that which is strange. Why do I feel guilty for not crying, Why do I have to feel bad when I feel awful and when I feel ok. Things have been hard lately, I feel like the this second month seems to be harder then the first. Work is hard and I hate being there now. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 big steps back. Max today was a OK day! I am proud that I had an ok day. Or at least I should be. Max baby im worried that tomorrow my having a good day is going to come crashing down.
Max baby I went for a long walk with your dad and Beanz, I then came home and went for a run. Of course the run, stunk! I love running but Im so out of shape. It makes me feel worse that I suck at something I used to be good at. It still felt good to run, but just not productive. The thing that was great about it was the sky. I feel like if the toads go away because of the cold weather, I still have the big giant sky to look at and wish you were up there. The sky was extra beautiful today. I said your name out loud, I wonder if you could hear me.
Max I feel so weak without you.
I actaully made dinner for myself tonight (well if using the microwave and george forman counts) I need to start eating better. I wish I could completly get rid of processed foods. Its crazy how much bad things there are in foods. There is so much I put into my body that could have killed you.
Max I was telling your daddy that I thought it was strange that when I was pregnant with you I hardly ever needed my inhailer, now that im not I need it all the time. I cant breath.
Max please dont be mad at me for wanting to be pregnant again.
Max I decided to send my dad a text message because we never talk. I wish I had a better relationship with him, and all my other siblings. He said he was at church and asked me if Im going to church, I said no. He told me I must be joking. I asked him why do I need to go to church to pray. I thought he was everywhere and besides I have not been in much of a mood to go to church. Well that was the end of the conversation. This was from early afternoon.
Max i love you. I was sent a really cool story from the support group leader  from the remembrance service on infant and pregnancy loss awarness day. (yesterday). I think it is a really pretty story.

Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was gone forever. Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, she was determined that she would not leave forever. She would come back and tell her friends what she had found at the top. When she reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, she was tired, and the sun felt so warm, that she decided she must take a nap. As she slept, her body changed and when she woke up, she had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying. So, fly she did! And, as she soared she saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what she had ever known existed. Then she remembered her beetle friends and how they were thinking by now she was dead. She wanted to go back and tell them, and explain to them that she was now more alive than she had ever been before. Her life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, her new body would not go down into the water. She couldn't not get back to tell her friends the good news. Then she understood that their time would come, when they too, would know what she now knew. So, she raised her wings and flew off into her joyous new life!

Max I liked that story. I like reading things like that. I read some cool native american fables with toads. I will have to find them for you tomorrow. Max I LOVE you so much. This week is going to busier at work so maybe that will help my mood. I love you, and hope to find you in my sleep tonight. Im all ready dreading back to work tomorrow, but I should not fall into that kind of thinking. Max baby I miss you. Hope you are well, and surrounded by love.

Day 61 lazy sunday

Hi baby boy, its almost 11am. We got up around 9:30 but now your dad is sleeping on the couch. You sure do have some lazy parents. Its really nice outside today. I should be out there. I will later. Right now Im just being lazy!!! Even the dog is still sleeping. Max I had really weird sleep again. I had a hard time staying asleep. I woke up to so many weird dreams. I don't remember much, about them. I wish I did though. I wake up feeling so bothered every time. I wish I could dream about you. Max I feel bad that Im mean to my mom. Why do I feel the need to make sure she is ok. She is needy and needs attention. I just dont want to deal with it. If I ask her if she is ok, then I wont be able to leave it at that. Here I go being selfish again. You were my baby not hers. You were just an idea to her (well thats what I tell myself) . As mean as it sounds I wish that when I get pregnant again I could just move away and then come back if the baby is born. I kind of just want to get up and move. Run away. Be my avoiding self. But I guess I cant just get up and leave can I. But either way she is my mom, and I feel bad for her. I just cant handle her emotional needs. But I should not be this way, I could lose my mom in an instant. I could lose everyone in an instant.

Max Im ok today, but Im agitated. I hate theses feelings of agitation I get. I think part of it is also that im so bored. Internally bored. I cant focus and my mind races a million miles a minute. I know I should take the ADD medication, but I just dont want to. I know it will help my focus, but what I did not focus on. who cares if I dont do anything. Max i dont mean for this to sound bad, but there is no need for me to take it most days.

Max baby I told you im ok today, well right now yes im ok. I can accept that and go with it. I do wish your dad would get his butt up though! Maybe I should go make some coffee. Max our house is such a mess, we have no food in the house because I hate food shopping. ha ha but I dont care that much. I did do laundry yesterday and we mowed the grass. Maybe Ill drive to WAWA and get some coffee since we are all out here.
Max i love you, wishing you were here on this nice fall day. Oh my little love, I think its finally to cold for the toads to come out of hiding. Am I going to see you in other ways. Will the toads show up in different forms. How will I know?

I made you your own candle. Oct 15th Day 60

Max baby I lit a candle for you today, but I did not think it was good enough. It was just a candle. Your dad and I had to go to the store to get more soil to put around your tree. I decided I was going to make you your own candle. The fall season one, just was not doing it for me. I chose this sage green because it was one of the colors of your room, and baby shower theme. It needed to have your name, I was lucky to find some toads. I found baby feet and hand prints that made perfect angel wings. Its not my best creation but I made you your own candle. Oh by the way it smells sweet, not overwhelming just subtle sweetness. MAx Im not going to write much tonight because I want the light of your candle to shine.

MAX 

 Good night my little love. 

(In memory of all loved ones gone before we are ready to say goodbye)

Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hi little love, sorry again I could not go to these things today. I think maybe your dad was upset that, I told him about them after they werre over. But he understood my reasoning and that I just cant. I also think he was upset when I told him that there was a party today for Julius and Mea. They are 2 of your cousins that have Oct birthdays. (well she cancelled it, so im off the hook) It was going to be at Chucky Cheese, Im not going there any time soon. I also told him I was not going to Thanksgiving or Christmas and that im going ot be sick. He told me that he is still going. Thats fine with me, im staying home though.
Max Im trying real hard today to be upbeat, but I feel like its making me agitated. Like I need to fight someone! Maybe your dad will let me wrestle with him. Max Im having a lot of crying spells, but not the kind where im crying all day. Its out of nowhere , I can read or see something and then just start crying. I thought I was past that point.
Max why am I so hard on my self, I think im my own worst enemy.

We went  to the gym, I decided I was not gong in, I was going to go for a run on a trail by the gym. I have been there before, but never noticed that right at the beginning there is a memorial. There is an angel on top and underneath there is a picture, of each age group including a child. The memorial is for lose who have died. I started to cry of course. This memorial was for those that lost there life to violence. You did but not at the hands of violence. I should feel grateful that you were not murdered. There was benches around the memorial that had sayings in regards to grief and loss. I don't have them right now. I did not have my phone, just the ipod. But I was able to take a video of them later I will share them with you. But anyway I think its what I needed. I think I needed to go on the path to see the memorial, to see the angel statue and quotes. Of course I was crying in public when people are getting ready to bike or run.
The run was not my best, I hate being so out of shape. Again being hard on my self. I hate failing, I used to be good at running and now its such a struggle. I cant seem to do much right Max baby. But I do know I love you!

Oh we got a letter today on how much it will cost for a frozen embryo transfer when we decided to do it. 5,000 dollars plus medication. But its a lot less then the whole IVF process again. When I told your daddy this started a frustrated conversation of money. Your daddy does not know but I saw him looking at your picture.

Im agitated today, maybe its anger. I dont want to stop writing to you. I wish I was actually talking to you instead. I dont want you to have a negative mommy. Im sorry. Your to important for me to be like this. I wish I could just let go and be ok. I wish I could just be happy for you. I wish so much.

Max I love you and miss you more everyday.

One of your Toad friends sent from Dallas. 

Day 60 national remembrance day.

Hi my little love. Do you know October is infant and baby loss month. Today Oct 15 is national remembrance day. There is a day to remember that you died. I find that weird becuase everyday I remember ! How could I ever forget. There are lots of things planned today, I just dont think I can do any of them. I feel weird, I dont know why I just do. There is a walk through the MISS foundation in Phila, and there is the service at Brwyn Mayer hospital. I did want to go, I just could not. Maybe next year I can. What I will do though is try my best to be in a positive mood, not be grumpy. I will light a candle for you today. I will talk about you, and as always I will love you. Max baby I dont need a month, or a day I have everyday of my life. Max I will honor you not in sorrow but in joy. (or I will try) . If I stay stuck or miserable I am not doing any justice to you and your precious  little life. Max I love you.

Thinking of love.....affection and how grateful I am instead of being so miserable!

Max baby I do my best not to put names in here, but I feel as though maybe this time I should. Im in a shitty mood, so this is my thank you to those who never seem to care, or make my darkness a little better. This list is just right now, there are so many more who should be on it. Max these are some of many who changed/affected my life in good ways. Most people wont read this or even know it is here. I dont think I would ever say it to someone's face because Im not good at being sentimental unless its written. Spoken affection is not my strength!
If someone feels as though they should be on this list, they should. I could go all night really. But here is a top ten for this very moment in my current mood. This list is not in any order.

1.Shanie-the love of my life. The one person who excepts me for all my flaws. My best friend. I would not survive this life with out you.

2.NCIU nurse- You have no idea I write about you. You have no idea about this blog, but your an earth angel to me. Your my last living connection to Max. True kindness of people has always impacted me, there is nothing you can gain from meeting with me. You were Max's nurse, you have no obligation to me after I left the hospital. You could stop talking to me tomorrow and I will still be forever grateful to you. I wish you knew how much your kindness and support mean to me. I hope I am not a burden.

3. Dal. Even with your stuff going on your read my rants to Max. You care enough to read how im doing. Maybe its because you know I wont actually speak to you (I mean how I feel, not, not talk to you) . I appreciate that you comment when I write to Max. It shows that not only do you care enough to read, but you also cared about my baby. I dont know if I told you, but way before Max died. The middle of the pregnancy Shane and I decided you were going to be the godmother. I love you and think your a wonderful friend, even when I dont act like one. Please dont ever bring this up again! You do not need to repeat my act of affection towards you. I will deny it. Even though I love you I still think Harry potter sucks, and I will never get into it.

4. Abbey-I think im lucky and have lots of friends. But people slowly drift away because they dont know what to say or how to act. When I say this I dont mean to be rude to other people, but things are different.  No one wants to be friends with the sad girl whose baby died. You are one of very few that seem to know, that now more then ever I need a friend. You always no what to say , and even when to say it. Just your random "thinking of you" has an impact. Your strength is amazing. On my way home today from work in my crying spell, I thought about that walk we went on in Washington DC when I was a freshman. There was so much hate all around us, but there was also love. There was more love then hate. I will never forget that and all that sadness I felt for everyone having to deal with that hate, and how love shined through all that hate and anger. Well your a symbol of that love and it shines off you. Years after college people go there own ways, work on there lives.  Your friendship means so much. Shane says your a calming soul. your one of those people who can make things ok just by being, even when they feel like they never will be. ( dont go and get a big head over this)

5. Laura- we have been out of touch for years. I dont have the fondest memories of HS, but I have memories of having fun with you growing up.  We have different situations, but there is the understanding that life does not always go as planned. The love you have expressed towards Max and being willing to share your precious mom with him, means more then you know.

6. Case-face- your strength is amazing. I try my best to be positive and so do you. Some days thats the last thing you want to feel, and the emotions take over. Cancer is a cruel bitch, but if anyone is going to put up a fight its going to be you. Your personality has always been contagious, your one of those people that everyone wants to be near. You are amazing. Oh and I will never forget how you saved me from embarrassment that one night in college! But because of that popcorn is how I meet my Beaver people. Also thank you for sharing your friend with me who can also relate to my situation

7. To the  handful People I have met who have also sadly lost there babies. Most people will never know about this, but i am grateful that you think of my Max while grieving your babies. For sending me pictures of toads/frogs. For allowing positivity and hope. For making me feel normal, and not alone. For an understanding that no one else can understand.
Also towards the support group leader, if you did not run the support group  I would not be able to go. For calling me back, after I gathered the courage to call the info line. For caring.

8. Melissa for your love of dogs, your humor and calling me "boo". Strangely thats the reason I decided to use my miserable mood, of anger, sadness, and guilt and put it towards something good. Im grateful for your wonderful humor.  Im so glad you care so much about all them animals, they need people like you.

9. Beanz, you are the best dog friend any human could have.

10. Max-for everything, for being my baby, for being the love of my life. For changing me-for the better.
For showing me love. For EVERYTHING.

Yes there are so many more people that im so grateful for. Just because I did not write about you right now, does not mean I am not appreciative.

Max Im still in a real crappy mood, but I feel ok. We are going to lay on the couch and do nothing. (just how I like it) Your dad is going to pick up food, and we are just going to be tonight. Well baby the crying has stopped for now. So I will run with it. I love you SO much and I will write to you tomorrow.

I love you so much and hate that I have to figure this world out with out you.