doctors apointment upsets, car seats and premies!

Max im ok right in this moment, but today was hard. I was fine until I went to your growing sisters doctor appointment. Just being there in the office makes me so sad. I had lots of questions for the doctor and everything is going fine. Part of that scares me, everything was fine with you. He reassured me that im doing ok, but that he meant emotional. Im doing ok, some-days I dont feel it. I then learned that he will be out all of august because he is having a hip replacement. This made me upset, i need to keep my doctors consistant, the next time I go in will be the week of your birthday. Its hard now, so I dont know how im going to deal with that week and a diffrent doctor. I got so upset and stressed, while checking out.  The staff was being so nice, and she was helping me find a doctor. Two doctors that where available where the ones that were involved with your birth. I have no bad feelings towards them, but I cant seem them. I cant see them on the week you should be turning one. I was finally able to schedule with another doctor that I have only seen a few times, but that I like. Max baby I was so emotional. I had to call your dad, to get myself together. Something as simple as a change in doctor on the week your were born, had my crying to your dad. The bad part was after I left the doctors apointment I had to go back to work to install 3 car seats. They were three infant seats, I was ok emotinaly until the last one. It was a girl who went to my highschool, her and her husband gave birth to there baby early and she is still in the NCIU. She was born at 29 weeks and is doing well, she will go home when she makes 4 pounds. What made me sad is that this little baby is born early and is thriving, but you were born on time (a little late) and died. Max im not sad that babys is doing well, im sad that you are not here. It does not make any sense to me. It makes me so sad, I wish more then anything you were here with me.

My heart always seems to be broken, somedays it hurts more then others.