Baby boy the last few days have been strange, it has been very emotional and also stangly peacfeul. Friday I was such a moody emotional mess. I think part of it was jusst stress, but the other part was having to be socal amung people I know. That really stresses me out. Im not the same anymore, I feel like I dont realte to people. Then friends have there familys with them. Its still so hard for me to be around happy people. It just makes me so sad.

Saturday night I went in to super planning mode, all my anxious energy over your birthday went into seeting up my plan. My plan to help as many babies as I can in your name. I had such focus. So far people have really surprised me. Kindness always seems to touch me so deeply.  Max I hate asking people for things. I hate asking for help. But this is something that I have to do. I have to do it for you. You have completely changed my life and I hope in your memory you can continue to change other peoples lives.

Sunday I seemed to be in a peaceful mood, I felt like you were all around me in an amazing way.

Then that leads me to today. I had off today and I had mentally prepared to go to the bakery and order a first birthday cake for you. Well who knew Bakeries dont open on Mondays. I was prepared to go in and order a cake for my dead baby. Now I have to re-build that courage all over again. I should be getting a cake to celebrate with you, instead im celebrating the memory of you. That just plan sucks baby boy!