Hello my little love. I hope you are well today. Max can you please watch over your daddy if you can do such a thing. He is trying so hard. I could care less about what ever he does I will love him no matter what. The thing is he needs something good to happen for him. He needs this to work. If anyone is deserving of life working out just once it is your daddy. I wish I could will it to work out for him. I fear he is never going to be happy with himself and feel like a failure. He is worth so much in my eyes.
Max I had a pretty bad morning. a paranoid morning. This is going to be a long pregnancy. I have so much fear that your sibling will die also. Work was hard. Its like because im pregnant I guess everyone now thinks its ok to talk about pregnancy and bash there kids in front of me. I dont want to her about there wives and there pregnancy. It makes my head full of even more fear. Fear for them that they will leave the hospital with empty arms. It also makes me jealous that they can be so happy and excited about there expected children. I will never have that. YES I am happy but only for the life I created with your dad. I cant be happy or blissfully excited. I know every possible outcome. But just because im pregnant does not mean I want to talk about it. Or I want to talk/listen about how excited they are. But they have no idea how much it effects me. But mostly I dont want to talk about mine. Then someone a new person (I dont think he knows about you Max.) He is nice but he is always complaining about his children. one of these days Im going to say something and its a matter of controlling myself. Max baby you have forever changed my outlook on life. I dont have time to listen to people complain about the greatest gift they will ever be given. Not everone bothers me, just some of the people I work with. Maybe what hurts is that they started doing all this once they found out I was pregnant. Like all of a sudden its ok, im over you.
On another note, expected mothers. I wonder if thats what there called becasue they are expected to have a baby. There is no guarantee in that title. I was an expected mother to you, and I did not get to keep you. Im an expected mother to your sibling, I wonder what the outcome will be. Oh a positive note. I think I just felt this one move.
Max I love you. Can you please say hi to all your other little friends. Other mom's babys. Could you say hi to your daddys dad. I really miss him. To grandmom and Aunt Laura. To my friends mommy. To everyone so dearly missed. But can you give love to those that are not being thought of as well.
Max I love you.
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