9 months :(

Max baby I did pretty well today (until now! ). Its been nine really long months with out you. I was pretty productive. I left work early to see the neurologist. I love that doctor. He is by far the best doctor and one of the nicest people ever. I was pretty anxious and worried about all the possible outcomes of your sibling. But he said some really good things to me. He also has a personality that can always lift you up. I think if he ever wants to switch fields, psychiatry would be an excellent choice. Some of the things I have been feeling and doing he said were definitely from the ADD. I wont take medication and he would never force me to take it. But he encouraged me that im not lazy and my lack of finishing and even starting things. I feel like I cant get anything together and it makes me depressed. ha ha Max he told me with the baby brain and the ADD i will be a mess. It made me laugh. I was thinking you could really have fun with this messing with me up there in heaven.

MAx I was doing very well, until I responded to an email that somebody wrote to me. Max it was a friend that gave birth the night before you were born. the 15th . Her son was very premature. He lived and is thriving. He is your age plus on day. She has not said much since around the time you died (most people dont) but she sent me a really nice email around mothers day (maybe on mothers day) there was a line in there. She said she wanted to come visit you. It really effected me. She knows your dead. IT just effected me that she would want to be around where you should be and see you things. People can get to know you, even though you are no longer her. I don't know why but responding back I cried a lot. I cried for the first time today.  I just miss you so much. I guess today was busy with errands, the gym, and food shopping (which btw I hate!)  that when I got home and settled in the emotions have started to hit me. I would do anything to have you back. Right now everything aches, just to have you back. Max I never got to hold you alive. But I did get to kiss you check and Im so grateful. I will always have that moment. No matter what when this baby is born (hopefully) im not a demanding person, but I want to be able to hold your sibling just once alive, before this one is taken away from me. Max I feel like you were taken away from me and I WANT you back. Im struggling again today with why I had to lose you. I know your amazing, but I wish everyone else got to know.

Max im so incredibly sad right now. I hate how my heart feels like its breaking over and over. I will be ok. I have to be I always am. I hope you are developing and so amzing up there in the big sky. Happy nine months baby boy! Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for being my son. Thank you for giving me hope, and giving me the life thats inside me.