sadness over having a baby :( bad day

Max today was hard. Not hard like most days, I was agitated and frustrated today. Being with certain people who just agitate me. Im sure I was not the nicest and im sorry. But what really got me was, working at an event . It was a car show for work, It started to rain on us. Max baby it was raining so hard, and the wind was blowing everything. They finally called the event and shut it down. The rain and wind were to much. AS everyone was packing up, and fellow deputy was talking about his pregnant wife, and how she was having contractions. How he may have a baby before the weekend is over. Everyone was talking about how when we re-do the event this co-worker will have a 3 month old. The excitement round him having a baby made me so sad. Im not upset at him at all. Its just like Max you would be nine months and wonderful. Everyone should still be excited to see you. I should be showing you off and talking about you. I was so so so sad. THen there was another co-worker who had a baby about a month after you died. Of course that baby was there, and cute as ever. I have not right not wanting these people to be happy. I just wish I did not have to hear it. Wish everyone around me could not talk about there happy families, when Im hurting so bad inside. At these events I have to keep it together. Im so glad it was cut short, I went to my car and sobbed and sobbed. I miss you so much, I cant contain it. I have a hard time being around people. Normally I dont care much about other pregnant women as much as I used to. ITs being around those that know about you and my pain. I want people to be happy, It just makes me said when I I am reminded of how much I miss you.

When I got home, your daddy told me that maybe I should be more excited for your sibling. Its not that im not excited, im scared. Im scared I will never take your sibling home, except in ashes. Im scared that I will continue to miss you more and more. Im scared I will not be able to love this one as much as I love you. Im scared I will never be right again. I cant live my life anymore. Max baby you are my life and you are dead. I miss you more then anything.