Hello baby boy. I hope you are ok tonight. MAx this weekend has been up and down. A co-worker gave me his small above ground pool. Its awesome, its so much better then a baby pool. your daddy and I had a lot of thoughts about you this weekend. WE both at the same time thought we wished you were alive. When I was standing in the pool getting the bottom smoothed out, I kept thinking how great it would be to have you be here. Your daddy and I talked about how cute you would and how interactive you would be in the pool with us. It gets so hard sometimes. Then I read on facebook this stupid post someone had saying "all my kids are still alive so I must be a good mother" am I not a good mother because your are not alive. I was really hurt by that even though im sure it was not meant to offend anyone. I dont know that it even offended me, it just made me really sad and upset.
I had to go out to dinner tonight with my mom, it was not that bad. But every little thing reminds me that your not here and you should be here with me. Your daddy was talking about my moms kidney stones she had once and asked what was worse child birth or the kidney stones. That upset me. Just talking about birth upsets me. I dont think I will ever be normal.
I miss you so badly. SOme days every little thing comes back and hurts me!
Max thanks for being my everything and keeping me together. Please continue to watch over your daddy and your sister. Tell my other loved ones I said I love them.
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