Max baby im struggling a bit. Im real sad and I miss you. Yesterday we came home from vacation and my mom told me that my Aunt Leslie died (your aunt also) I did not act sad in front of my mom, but inside all kinds of motions were stirring. See Max I loved this Aunt but had not seen her in at least 6 years. After the years of abuse happened and it came out, everyone on that side of the family stopped talking to us, like it was my sisters and I faults. They made it seem that way. They stood by his side. We lost all our family. Aunt Leslie stayed talking to us. She did not chose sides, I know she loved me. As an adult I was not nice, I barley talked to her. I should have called her, and talked to her more. The past few years her life has not been good. She was living with my grandmother in Maine, there house was condemned, Aunt Leslie went blind because of diabetes and had lots of health problems. My grandmom went in to a home and she had no where to go. Supposedly she went and stayed with my uncle, whose wife beat her up because she did not buy her cigarettes. Max I feel so bad, and guilty. Aunt Leslie growing up did so much for me, I know she loved us. She showed my growing up how much she loved me. Took me to my first counting crows concert, would take me back and forth to philadelphia for eating disorder treatment for my mom. Always remembered birthdays. She loved my mom. Im so very guilty Aunt Leslie took her life, she put 30 pain patches on, and took a bottle of pills. She even put pain patches on her lizards who were her everything. She must have felt so alone, and hurt. Im part of that hurt.
To make it even worse I feel like such a bad person because it brings up so much. I feel guilty for being scared to go to the funeral, scared to see my grandmother and how bad she looks mostly scared to see Aunt Bonnie and Sean. I have done so well the past decade and now so many feelings, mostly sadness and fear are coming up. Its so frustrating how trauma can just reappear when you think you have everything under control. How do I not go to the funeral because I cant face the person who ruined our childhood with years of abuse. The person that tore our family apart and left my mom with no one. Except Aunt Leslie.........
I never got to tell her I love her, and it does matter because she killed her self. Most people dont end there life because they feel loved. I know the empty feeling and she most have felt so incredible bad. For not calling her back, for not giving her my love I contributed to her pain.
Shane reminds me that I should tell people how I feel about them before its to late and I know that, but I cant. How can I cant seem to handle emotion until its to late.
I know I told you everyday how I love you. But you never answered me back and I never had to handle emotion. I did not have to shut down. The only person I seem to be able to be real and emotional with is your daddy. Everyone else I shut down until im alone (right now)
Max Im having a really bad night. I hope you get to meet her. I hope its not true that if you kill your self you go to hell. She was in so much pain all ready, that I hope she gets peace. I hope she has been reunited with her sister (Aunt Laura) I hope you are with her. I hope you get to know how big her heart was. Can you please tell her how very sorry I am. How I love her and will you thank her for me.
Max baby I have tried to be a better person since you left me. You changed my world. I have so much fear this little girl will die. I feel like maybe I am undeserving of such happiness and this is just another tease. Like she will be taken away also. I have been having lots of mucus discharge, Your daddy says its normal and that I had it with you. I reminded him that you died. So nothing with you to me is normal. Any little thing I thought was normal, is no longer normal. Please if you have any say in this universe of unknowns and sadness please look after her and let her stay with me. Im pretty much begging. I cant keep being around all this death and sadness. Im not sure how much more I can handle. I need this mucus to stop. I need this baby to live, I need people to stop dying. I need something positive in life before im completely broken. I know im sounding miserable today, and thats not fair to you. Im sorry.
Max I love you and im so sorry. I wish I was a better person and mommy to you.
Aunt Leslie im so sorry I was not there for you. I had no idea how sad you were because I was to self and caught up in myself. Your heart is so much better then mine will ever be.
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