Septemer and the weekend

Like always I have been missing you a lot. But since September hit I have been real sad again, sad from the deep inside. Through my own processing  and looking into myself I figure thatit is because last year August was a big shock. I was preotecting by the shock, by the c-section drugs, by preparing a funeral. Then september hit, we had a service for you everything became real. I had to just be alone with my saddness and hurt. The season were changing as they are now. The days get darker early and fits with my mood. THere is a chill in the air, that in general makes me dread the winter, but last year and now it means time is gone. Drifting me away from you in further. At the same time it reminds me of the things I love, even though I never liked the changing summer to fall, I love halloween and the fall decorations knowing that you and I would not spend a first halloween together, knowing my only memories of you are of that amainzing pregnancy and then your birth and death. I guess I just figured out that spetember and fall is a reminder of my loss everything I dont have with you.
Last year I remember drinking so much coffee over and over. Pumpkin spice was in season and I just drank so much.

Saturday our neighbors had a party, Im not much of a social person in general and its even worse now. But we had to go. Things were going ok, until we were saying goodbye to go back home. The neighbors adult grand child that knows about you, told us congratulations, talking about my belly. The conversation all around us turned in to excitement. Normally this would be ok, but I wanted to run and hide. I dont want people to be excited about your sister. I dont want congratulations until she is here alive. I was hoping no one there who did not know us, would not ask the dreaded question, is this your first? OR how many kids do you have. Then people assume this is our first and want to give me all kinds of advice. I dont want any advice. Yes its all in good intentions I just wish I could hide away and wait to see if she stays alive. I walked home, you daddy stayed. When he got home he told me that one neighbor began asking about you Max. She wanted to know how far along I carried you. Your daddy told her the whole story how you were full term and then died 54 mins after birth. I really like that she asked about you and wanted to here your story. THat always makes me feel good. But I also felt sad, felt sad that I felt so bad about people bringing your sister up. Will I ever get over that. I guess I wish the excitement was also about you! Maybe thats what troubles me. I feel guiltily that I dont want people to be exicited, but part of it is I feel like im cheating you.

Today our other neighbors asked when we are due. It put me in a funk. Im due when ever she comes and then stays alive. Then they can ask. Because then if she stays alive there is no disappointment.

Then Max I wish I could prepare for your sisiter but I am just so scared. I wish she would come early. I wish she would come healthy but early. So this anxiety of her ding to will either happen or go away.

I heard a song today that made me cry, it was about a little boy dying from cancer. It was just sad and I miss you so much so it really affected me

Im sorry I have not been writing as much as I should.

Max I love and miss you so much.

Oh but the most amazing thing is that I continue to see the same toad every day for about 5 days now.