Hard day.

Hi baby boy, I feel real guilty I have not been writting to you much lately. I just have so much fear inside of me and I dont want to just write to you about that. I dont want to write to you about your sister. On top of that I have been having a hard time comparing everything to you and doing what ifs. My friend also is having her baby today and I even have fear for her. I hope and pray she is ok, I need to here that the baby is alive and well. I always have so much fear for people. Partly becasue I know the joy and I know the heartache. The joy is what is expected not the baby dying and your heart breaking at the same time. My fear isn ot just for me its for everyone I know. Babies die. I wish you never died and I wish I did not have this perspective.
That being said my fear is taking over me and my brain.

Im missing you a lot and its that time of year again where the toads are not around. I take it like your not around anymore. Even though I want you to be. Its like seeing them reasure me that you are still with me.

I miss you beyond words. I have been struggling. I also feel guilty for only writing when im really sad. Today has been a really hard day for me. I cred a lot and am so grateful to your daddy.