overwhelmed and sad

Max, my brain is not working. Im on overload, im stressed, im sad im just......... overwhlemd. There is some good in my overwhelmed, there is the kindness that I feel from people in there help with your memory.

But right now I am just so sad. I feel broken tonightI think I have been doing ok. My mind is racing so much, its not functioning. I had to go to the store to get food, when I left I had to think about what pedal is the break. I could not remember something that simple. I have everything on my mind,  Im sure if I were to take each task and do one thing at a time it would not be so bad, but looking at it all is so overwhelming. Maybe my grandmom dying is effecting me more then I care to admit, but selfishly. It brings up old feelings. I have so many bills and things to take care of that I keep pushing away. I will get to them after your birthday. I love your daddy but the stress he feels of his job, is pushing off on me. I know I dont need to take on his stress, but I do. I worry all the time, that something is going to make him crack, and what little stablity we have will go away.

Max baby why am I having a hard night, why am I crying, why cant I get it together. there are so many bad things and bad people in this world, but these past two weeks people have been so kind and generous. SO why am I so sad. Its night like tonight I want to craw in my bed, and stay there. Wake up to a different reality.

I need to remind my self how greatful I am for what I have, how much worse it could be. But if its going to get worse, I dont think I can handle it.  Tonight its taking a lot of reminding. I am so overwhelmed and sad. I dont even know how to approach any of this with your daddy, I know its only going to make him feel worse. Selfishly I dont think I can handle him feeling worse. SO hopefully tomorrow is better.

Im sorry im this way again, I have been trying really hard to be ok.