Anxious..................

Max im very anxious and annoyed. well not annoyed just short tempered. Maybe just overwhelmed. Im tired, my feet really hurt and the reality that i have been preparing for a party for you, but you the guest of honor will not be there. Its getting to me. It must be because I just stopped. I have been on go most of today. I know having this party is a good thing, and that your daddy really wants it. Im just worried its not good enough for you. I get so anxoius over every little thing. Im worried no one will show up. (I know thats not true) but the anxiety is filling my head. Im worried that im going to be so emotional that I became rude almost and shut down. Im good at being very unemotioanl almost no affect. What if I cant funcation even though I know I have to.

Maybe your birthday party tomorrow marks the begining of saying goodbye all over again. Like reminding myself you are not here. The start of a long week. I have been doing well, I have been put together, and no one on the outside would really have any idea that im slowly falling apart again at the seems. I feel like my stiches are coming loose and im leaking slowly. I feel like one wrong look and I may break. How do I continue to keep it together. I will Max. Its what I do. Im controlled and im alone. My head is spinning with so much anxiety.

I miss you so much last year the weekend before you were born I was so exicited knowing soon you would be home. Wow I was wrong. Im kindof glad that the days dont fall on the same dates as it did last August. Your were born on a tuesday but this year your birthday is on a thursday. This is the first time in a long time that I have been aware of days and what I was doing. It used to consume me. Its stating to again. I remember everything. Im glad I do, I dont want to forget anything, but maybe becasue im so anxious and missing you so much that right now remember everything is not helping.

I made you cupcakes tonight. Your dad likes them. Of course I dont think they are good enough for you. its the way I am, if you were here in person I would still not be satisfied with my work.

Max I sent someone an email to thank them for donating towards your birthday and this was in the email. It really effected me in a good way. Im trying my hardest to focus on this thought

"There is a lot that makes no sense about life or the universe and if it means anything, I believe that although Max's physical body is not longer here, his soul is still here. If you think about it from a scientific standpoint, we know where our hands are, our eyes, our brain, our stomach....etc. But there is not one place in our physical body where someone can point to you and say, this is Suzanne, here is her consciousness, this is her love, her emotions, her feelings. That part of us is not physical and there is no place that our consciousness exists on a physical level. That part of Max did not die. And I believe you guys will one day be reunited again. I believe everyone will be reunited again with their loved ones."

Im trying. Tonight is real hard for me. Today was ok though.
Im so fustrated, overwhlemed but mostly sad.