Hello baby. What im about to write is so conflicting to me. I had an ok day, it actually emotional was pretty good, I had to go to the store and there was fall decorations everywhere. For the first time since you died I actually thought about decorating. Putting things out. Im happy I feel that way but Im also sad. Im sad that i feel ok, that I want to decorate with out you. I know there will come a time that I do, and it will never feel right. But tonight that little glimpse of things I used to enjoy, came out. I want to be able to do things like that with out feeling guilty, with out feeling like Im letting you down. I know logically I wont, and that it is ok. But I still cant take away from the fact that I feel that way.
I also feel like since your birthday I have been able to relax a little. That was the worst year of my life. You should be here. But I feel like something is changing. Life is going on with out you. It really hurts me but it also has freed me a little. I have always known I need to live life for you, but maybe I can actually start. Again its so conflicting in my tiny brain.
My plan was to write to you for a year and then stop. Well I cant stop, I wont stop and mostly I dont need to stop.
Despite my emotions and feeling so conflicted today was a good day. I love you
I completely understand where you are at Suzanne! I know when you decorate your home, you are doing for Max, and Alex. When you are happy you bring meaning to Max's life. I a felt more in the last few months, that I have to be happy, because I am alive and Phoenix isn't, so I must find joy in this world for him. Writ Max when you want, there are no rules. He KNOWS you love him with all of your heart! Lots of hugs.
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