my birth

Hello my boy. The days are getting closer until your brother is here. The an axiety is overwhelming at times. Other times I forget that its not you, I catch my self wanting to call this baby Max. I know I had these fears and concerens with Alex but, she was not a boy and her pregnancy was very different.

Max baby as always im having a hard time with happy pregnant people. Or I should say unaware of what could happen.  I am VERY aware of everything that could happen. What bothers me is how beautiful birth could be, how everyone makes not of that, its in pictures, media, everywhere. Natural birth is best and beautiful. Well I have no choice, but for me that is beautiful as well. I had the C-section with you and out came the most perfect little boy. Then your sister, and now this next one. Would I like to have natural birth, normal outcomes of course, but I cant. Im tired of seeing it everywhere. No matter what kind of birth there is, its beautiful.

Not many people get pregnat and from day one say they want a c-section. They want to be cut open and not get that immediate bonding time, or pure joy right away. The relief from pushing. Most people are scared of labor but want to do it the natural way. Some with drugs some without. But then there are those that need to have c-sections to control the outcome for the babies, Because it is whats best for mom and child. C-section birth may not be ideal, but its beautiful as well.

Maybe im tired of hearing perfect storys and knowing our is not. how awful of me is that!

Max again, I learned that if you were born on time, you would most likely be alive.  If I had an ultrasound, or the non stress test, they would have been able to see you were not doing well. This all could have been prevented.

Im struggling a lot lately. What If I cant like this baby, because he is a boy and I see you. What if he dies also. I have 17 days left. 17 days until we have another baby boy. I wish I could see you, hold you, have a sign from you that  you are ok. I miss you, in every part of my body. It still pains me everyday. I have just gotten good at pretending.

Another woe is me.... your sister knows who you are. She knows you, I truly believe. She points to your things and pictures and says Max. There is something special about her, and I feel like you are part  of that.