Sometimes my heart really hurts. The reason being I miss you. But also because im jealous of pregnant people and there complete happiness and bliss. Something I can never have again. I cant take that away from others, nor do I ever want to. But I my heart gets so heavy when I see that pure happiness,but its also full of fear that something bad will happen to them. But then my brain goes off again thinking nothing bad will ever happen to them. Just me and now maybe something bad will happen because I have those thoughts.
I was SOOOO over the moon excited for you, nothing was ever to go wrong. my bliss, my happiness, my excitement. Gone in an instant. I want to scream at people, why are you so hapy and excited, your baby may die. But why.... thats not fair. Be happy I guess, enjoy what time you have. In the mean time I still feel nothing for your brother. Im happy when I feel him move, but the connection is not like with you, and not like Alex. But I know I will love him. hoping he stays on this earth.
On a happy note, a friend had a baby today and that is a good thing! Its a person that I was only every excited and worried for. But the baby is here alive and well.
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