getting close.

I feel like im sitting down for the first time all day. I realized yesterday I really need to write you. Im sorry I have not been. Its just been really hard and I struggle with telling you alll my worries and frustrations. Max I am so overwhelmed.

I am missing you so much. As time gets closer to monday, my sadness in missing you grows deeper. Everything reminds me of you. Its just hard knowing you should be here, and I should not be aware of any of this.

And I feel guilty.... I feel guilty because I want your sister so much. I really want her to live, I really need her to live Max.

But I feel guilty also because of everything I hope to have with her that Im going to miss out with you.

I feel guilt because I guess I have been nesting all weekend maybe even last week. I have been doing things around the house that I have been meaning to do since we moved in. I have cleaned, and reorganized. I had the shelves put up in your room. Today I went out and got storage shelves for the bathroom and set those up tonight. I have wanted to do that since we moved in. I have done more in these past 2 weeks then I have in a very long time. The reason I feel guilty is because when I was pregnant with you I dont think I came close to the definition of nesting. The only thing I did was work on your room. It was fun to organize baby things and I organized the hall closet. I did nothing else. After you died I wondered if somehow that had a connection to you dying. Like maybe my body or the universe new you were not going to come home. With your sister I cant seem to sit still. I feel like I need to do so much. With you Max I was worried about things that did not matter, like the grass!

Max I hope you are ok with me. I hope you are watching over your sister. I hope you are among family, and friends. i hope you can continue to to watch over your sister and I hope you can have someone watch over Casey.

Max its going to be all the same people at the hospital when you were born. Its comforting but also scary. Im ok with everyone, but for some reason I found out the doctor that that actually did the C-section will be there. Thats the one thing that scares me. She had nothing at all to do with you dying, so I dont know why it gives me a bit of worry. But still Its ok. I hope you will be there with me. I know you are going to be heavy in my heart. I just hope you know I want you there to. I wish I could see you.

Max I love you, and soon (hopefully, your sister will be here)