confusion

Max, I really wanted to keep this for you, but I wrote this today inreagrds to your sister. I think part of my problem is that I miss you so much, and things are getting really hard as time gets closer. I need her to stay alive. I cant do this again. Im all ready at the end of what I can handle lately. somedays I want to run away and hide. To find you and stay with you. But I know I cant. Please watch over your sister and help her stay with us. Also tell your daddys day, I am sorry, and we will do are best to protect your daddys mom. 

14 days until I give birth (via C-section) My anxiety is overwhelming and I have so much fear. Max my first died after a c-section because of after being induced a week late, failure to progress and heart decerations. He was pink and crying, 8/8 scores. Then he died 54 mins later. I have two weeks left of his sister alive and well inside. I want her to come out now, now so I know she is ok. But at the same time she can also stay in me forever. I know she is alive right now. What if history repeats it self, what if my perfectly healthy pregnancy ends in death.

However my biggest fear is that, people will be so excited over her and forget about Max. Some people will assume she will be my first. I don’t know how to be excited about this the way others are. I am still so affected by my son dying and missing him so much. I don’t want people to be excited about her, I don’t even want people asking questions. I just want her to stay alive. BUT then when she does how do I deal with everyone so happy with her. Will I be upset because I did not have this with Max. I love her so much all ready, but what if I cant love her the way I do my son.

Another thing that really gets to me over and over is that Max was my first baby, my everything. But after the c-section is where it ends. If she stays alive she will be my first experience of living with a baby. Its not how it should be.

I realize I have 2 weeks and in that time everything can go wrong and I should not worry about these things. I just want to give her everything I would have given and give to Max. I love her so much and I need her to stay alive more then anything.

Is this jumble of confusion all normal?