Hi max!im installing car seats tonight. Right now I'm on a break waiting for the next but I just installed one for a healthy premie named max. It made me a little sad because I don't have you here, but mostly made me think of you. Makes me miss you more then I all ready do. 

Love you my max!

Loving and missing you. Today is your 28th month. Crazy! Crazy that I should have a 28month old and crazy that you have been gone for 28 months!

I hope your brother inside me us doing well. I don't want to lose another baby. 

Everything scares me and this anxiety is probably not good. But I get side cramps on the same side that I had awful pains with you. It's diffrent but still scares me. I feel on my belly. I tripped once with you. Everything with you this baby has something very similar. Both from the Ivf batch, both boys. Both anterior placentas, both cramps in the same spot, both falls. Both boys.

My glasses when I look at the corner of my eyes seem to have this floating light.it makes me think of you. My light. 

I miss you little boy. Things are hard lately. Your dad is not doing well and it scares me, he needs happiness, he needs something to go right.

Your sister is amazing. I know you would live her! I wonder if you two would look alike at this stage. This baby in my belly reminds me if you and I'm scared. 

I love you

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving baby boy. I am so grateful for everything you have given me. For carrying you, for being able to love you so much. For you being my first born, my beautiful boy. For how you have changed my view on everything. I am grateful for life because of you. I Love you.

your having a brother

Hi little boy. I have been struggling to write lately. I have been waiting since Thursday when we had the 20 week ultrasound with your newest sibling. The baby did not want to cooperate very much, and we almost were unable to see the sex. WEll max you are going to have a brother. We are now going to be a family of three (hopefully with an alive baby) Its been emotional for me and very hard. I had a breakdown the night before the ultrasound. I could not sleep. I was so tired but could only think of you.  I was so sad in missing you. I had a really hard cry, one of the hardest in a long while. This baby sure has me missing everything that was so wonderful with you.

I realized that I am happy for those that are pregnant, but im also so jealous of the pure bliss that new moms, or moms with out experiencing the loss feel. Its pure happiness that I will never have again. Im happy when Im pregnant, but also very cautious and aware that any moment I can lose it all. Living every day in fear that this baby has died. I wish I could just feel joy. Not paranoid, scared and without the awarness that even if I go to the due date I could still lose this boy as well.

I wainted another boy, I thought I was ready. I also think if they told me the baby was a girl I would be sad that I did not have another boy. I WANT another boy but was not expecting the extra fear that comes with it. Please help me keep this baby safe. Help me feel this baby inside me. Please help me stay sane for the second half of this pregnancy.

I have been missing you a lot. Your sister keeps me busy and on the go. She can say your name and points to your things and pictures.

Max I love you.

Hello love. Im missing you a lot tonight. My heart feels heavy and sad. Tomorrow we find out what sex your new brother or sister is.  Im ready for a boy this time. I think either way I will be a little sad if he/she is a boy because i will always miss you and I know people will be like now i have a boy and a girl. Well I all ready have a boy and a girl! But then if your new sibling is a girl I think I will also be sad that I did not have another boy. Its complicated! BUT i truly just hope this baby is healthy and happy like your sister. I was sick with the stomach bug and all I could think about was what if the baby was harmed. Im still trying to handle lossing you, my heart and body cant lose another. It will be the end of me.

Your sister keeps me so busy! She is a handful and I love her so much. I wonder how alike you two would be.

The days are short, cold and dark. I dread this time of year in general. But lately ive been feeling positive I need to think happy thoughts for this 3rd one inside of me.

I love you!

Hi baby boy! I'm thinking so much about you lately! I sure do miss you and your cute little face. I heard a song this morning and cried for you. Pictures of you by the cure. 

I miss you

Happy Halloween my baby boy. Today was bitter sweet, I miss you. 

Alex's toys keep randomly going off and I wonder if its you playing games.

Love and miss you. 

Hi little love. I went out to diner tonight with 2 College friends. It was a good time but sometimes I'm so bothered by things, nothing anyone does on purpose and there things that should not even bother me! But things like talking about there boys, saying all the normal things that frustrate them about little boys. I don't have my little boy and its hard. Will always be hard. These normal innocent conversations still affect my heart. Then talking about needing therapy and being depressed because you hate your job. Yes I get it! I hate mine as well but things could be so much worse. I guess for me max my life perspective has changed and  I've learned to live and function at such a low.  I'm sure to others my sadness is nothing compared to theirs. I know my perspective is different and I have no ill feelings to anybody whose darkest hour is because they are not satisfied with there career. It's just tugs at my own emotions and insecurities.

Max I'm 13 weeks with who I think will be your brother! That's a good thing, I hope this baby is healthy and alive. 

Max I miss you. I have been thinking of writting every night. I have no excuse I just have not! Sorry my little love.

I continue to miss you over and over. More and more. Now that we are doing this again, things have been very similar to you and it's super scary. A vanishing twin, placenta is in the same position, just brings me back to you and scares me.

Tomorrow I have to go to a lunch about you. Well an appreciation lunch where I will be acknowledged. Max first of all I really am shy, but second I don't want any acknowledgment for your memorial fundraiser, I do it for you no matter what. It's tomorrow and I just said yes today because someone I know asked me personally. I still may change my mind tomorrow.

I feel like sometimes life with out you gets harder when I feel like I'm suspossed to act like its eaiser.

Good night sweet boy

Max I remember this evening, by now I started having some contractions from being induced. I was excited, I was going to have you sometime in the next 24 hours. I was happy.

I have been happy since, but not the way I was before. My breakdowns have begun and I'm breaking. The good thing about being so busy is not thinking. The bad thing is those emotions still come and they it catch up fast and it hits hard.

I miss you so much it hurts. Tomorrow you turn two, my love.

Max the days are dwindling down and my chest is filled with so much sadness, and a void. Your missing. 3 more days until your birthday my little boy.

Your birthday is in 4 days. Bitter sweet my love.

Max your party was awesome! I was so worried and stressed but it was perfect. I live you so much Max. So far I have collected so many diapers in your memory as well as other baby thing! I love you. I miss you.

Max my love, your second birthday is coming up and I miss you SO much! I have not been writing but mainly because Im always sad. Max baby I'm pregnant again, and with the same embryos that were made when we got you! I feel like there your twins. It's early I'm only 4 weeks 6 days . Right now I don't know if its one or two. All I know is I'm scared and exictied. I feel like it could all be a repeat and the sane thing happens to this new ones you. I need this baby to be alright and mainly because this new one is literally connected to you.

Your donation drive is going ok, last year was better with supplies but the love and support this year is amazing.

Max I miss you more then I can describe .

I love you!

Hi baby boy I have been seeing lots of toads. I was getting worried because I did not see any. Once I started to work on your fundraiser they started to come. I miss you so much and those little toads make me so happy.

I really miss you and this year the fundraiser is hard. I feel like people are going to not care. As time goes by no one will want to participate any more. Then what do I do?

I love you. I Miss you. I need you.

Missing you and everything that I should have with you. Your sister is awesome but I still wish you were here with us.

I started working on your birthday fundraising flyer and wow I'm having a hard time. Did not realize that 2 months away would bring up so much. I was looking at your photos and I really miss you. All I have are 3 of you alive. The rest you are gone. Just really missing you and struggling a lot. But I'm the great pretender it's what info. I will get through for you. No one knows how hard this still is. A piece of me is missing. Alex is so great but I look at your pictures and then her. I see you in her so much and I just wonder, what if! What would you be like.

I miss you. I miss the toads. I need you.

I love you.

Angel lips

Will you come to me when I'm sleeping. Will you visit me in my dreams.Will you touch my checks with angel lips. Will you butterfly kiss me in the night. Will you whisper that you love me and tell me everything's all right.

In my every waking moment I know that your not here. I would give my last breath just to hold your little body and to pull you near.

Will you come to your sister when she's lying in your room. Will you watch her grow and whisper in the night. Can she see you even though I can't. Do you hold her hand when she's dreaming. Do you kiss her checks with butterfly flutters.

Do you know I love you. Do you miss me to. Will you hold my hand as I walk through life. Do you feel my tears as I cry.

Can you see that your daddy is breaking but try's to be so strong. Will you visit him in the nighttime when the nights seem so long. Can you visit him in his dreams, will you kiss him with your angel lips.

Will you come to me when I'm sleeping. Will you visit me in my dreams. Will you touch my checks with angel lips. Will you butterfly kiss me in the night. Will you whisper that you love me and tell me everything's all right.

Will you stay with me my baby, stay with me tonight.

Hi baby boy. Missing you. Just wanted to send you some Sunday love. Hope heaven is perfect and you are happy.